Children model the parent they most identify with, (personality, temperment, roles, etc.) all factor in, so it is not necessarily based on gender of the child. Parents are the most significant role model in the childs life during the formative years. Children may not understand what is going on, but are none less effected by situations.
When someone is angry, breaks thing, slams doors, punches walls, this is domestic abuse and there is an underlying message--- Its the door, the wall, or the object-and you may be next. It is only a matter of time for an escalation to physical assault.
Few batterers do change. When they do, it is IMHO, due to their won insight and loss or fear of loss. However, if a partner threatens to leave or even does leave, that does not seem to be the determining factor. First I think it is within them, nobody else can make them change. Secondly, when their partner is leaving but really does not want to, is afraid of being alone for any variety of reasons-(religion, fear of making it alone, financial, lonliness, feeling failure, sake of kids, outside pressure), the abusing partner also senses this and may make short term improvements without changing their beliefs, and the behavior returns when the leaving partner comes back. I think when we are genuinely willing with confidence, to not have a partner rather that tolerate, the chance for change is best, but no guarantee.
I have also heard many women say that the abusive parent is a really good father though. I dispute that strongly. A good father does not hurt the person the children love most, does not intimidate, threaten and abuse the childs mother. They are risking their childrens well being as much as a father who drives drunk, it is just less visible in the short term. The effects are insidious.
I can say that I had my first daughter and was married to an abuser. Never knew what kind of mood he would be in when he came home. I did things to keep peace. I was always on eggshells. Years later I remarried and life was calm. I realized that when I read my kids a bedtime story, I was really there, I was present and spontanious. First time around, I was not really ever there, I was reading but my words were probably flat-as I was trying to remember what I forgot to do that might set him off. When we are worrying, we are not there for our children. I am so sorry for what I missed with my oldest daughter.
Mary Jones-the fact that you are here and questioning is evidence that you are a very caring parent, and a very strong person. You must feel safe and help your children to feel safe.
