Relationship Ptsd Bf Has Life And Relationship On Hold For 5 Years Now.. What To Do?

[Deleted member 1860]

Does it matter if it's PTSD or just him? In the end the behavior is the same.

I see a LOT of your disapproval because he isn't what you want him to be. Honestly, if he is fine with his life, who are you to be so judgmental? After 5 years, it's safe to say that this is how things are going to be.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

Why would you assume I'm judgmental? Please explain..

I dont think I've shown any sign of being judgmental. The whole reason for my thread here was to find out whether I should trust my instincts, or to believe it truly is because of his PTSD.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

To me it does matter if it's the PTSD or not, the behaviour might be the same, but he tells me it will change when he gets better.
So I need to know whether to believe this or not.

He wants to hold on to me and get married one day. I'm trying to figure out whether it's worth it or not. I don't think I'm judgmental for doing that.

 

[nursenurse]

His words mean nothing, really, if he has not tried to help himself in any way in the 3 years you have been together. There is nothing good that I have read in your synopsis that would indicate a viable, healthy relationship, PTSD or not. You are being used and may even be contributing to a co-dependent relationship. Trust your instincts. If you think something is wrong, it probably is. And no one will berate you for leaving someone who obviously does not value you or your relationship. Except him, maybe. And if you do cut him loose, and he comes crawling back, I would not accept him until he can prove he has been in therapy for at least a year or longer. He needs to be doing that for himself, not for you.

All he sees is what he wants to do. Why this is something you have pursued for so long is beyond me, but then again, somewhere along the line you saw potential, albeit with rose coloured glasses.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

Yes nursenurse, this is exactly what I mean. Your last line nailed it:

somewhere along the line you saw potential, albeit with rose coloured glasses.

I've cut him loose before and he does indeed come back every time. It might be time to leave. I noticed that I start to be more and more indifferent towards his issues. He guilt trips me every time I tell him that I cannot be focused on him and his issues all day every day and that I need some form of reciprocity as well, at least appreciation for me understanding and adjusting to his behaviour and schedules.

I think I will sit back and just wait to see if he will actally do something for himself. I've tried this before, and he just accuses me of ''wantin to move on with an easier guy''. Which is not true at all.

 

[nursenurse]

Don't even contact him, honestly, let him contact you. Be busy when he wants to get together, show him you have a life. And then get one, lol! Sounds like you are already busy anyway. Really take time to decide what you want. You will have a college education, a job, many experiences to bring to the table. He will bring.....? You might even end up bored with him, which by reading what you have written, would certainly put the zzzz's in any relationship from the beginning. Life is too short. Get out and get living yourself.

 

[LilBit]

That sounds odd to me. From what I have read here many if not most sufferers try to push those they truly love away because they DO love them and feel like they deserve an easier life. Mine does that with close friendships even. Doesn't want to hurt you. Realizes who is superficial and who is not. Tries to warn off those who might end up hurt. I just think it sounds self-centered. From what I read, many sufferers here feel guilt about being a burden or a hurt to their loved ones, feel guilt -trips, not GIVE them.

 

[nursenurse]

No such thing as an easy guy. However, kind, considerate, available, are qualities that all folks can exhibit, including our sufferers. They aren't aliens, they are human like us. Methinks you got the dud.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

Someone told me on this forum before that untreated PTSD can cause a sufferer to develop coping mechanisms which include behavioral disorders such as narcissism. It's funny, my bf recently said about himself that he's a narcissist. I laughed it off.

You are right nurse nurse, and that's what my instincts tell me also.
I understand if he has issues that come with PTSD but not being able to come to a solution for little things in life together, even to his own ability is unacceptable.

Lilbit,

but I am not trying to have a romance or make a life with my sufferer, just a close friendship.

This is in fact the case for my bf and me. But only when I accept all his behaviours. The minute I show disapproval of anything, he gets angry with me. I've now learned that both sides have to try to be friends with the other, not just one side. EVEN THOUGH one of the two may have difficulties in life. I think it should all be about ability. It's all about the effort. I would be totally fine with his effort, as much as he can. I have no problem whatsoever with being the one that puts in more emotionally. It would have at least shown me his words are true.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I'd zero in on his view of the relationship and why he thinks it's A-okay to be deceptive. He's too high maintenance for my book, and it would be very intriguing to me that he seems able to do many things... but not work. Kick him to the curb and this time keep the door shut and frankly... it's none of his business if you did decide after 3 years with him that you want to move on with an "easier guy".

Very interesting how he phrased that. Apparently he seems to be very aware of what a difficult person he is. King baby, we called them in AA.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You say he's a selfish lazy person.... But don't think this is being judgmental?!? He isn't you. He obviously doesn't see himself as a failure but I get the feeling that you do as you slam him for his life choices and then list every little productive thing you do with your life.

Soccer is his deal. I'm not surprised that he doesn't want you in his soccer world. The thing about many women is that every facet of their lives overlap. Friend, family, work, school, hobbies, all in one big pot. Not so with men. (I'm SO like a guy in this sense). The woman doesn't understand why she can't just tag along in the guys activity. He wants his fun soccer world to be separate from you. You see it as selfish, I see it as a protective measure. Then again, I doubt you'll be able to see the other side of this issue fully because you have no need to do this boundary setting and separation of parts of your life. We do it to feel safe. We do it to protect ourselves.

You two seem very mismatched. You seem like a type A person, him a type B.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

No Solara. If you had read my posts then you would've known that he tells me he's unhappy himself. I'm acting on the basis of what he tells me. Also, if a person doesn't do anything productive for anyone beside himself, but is able to do all the fun stuff he wants, he is going to come across to me as lazy. Regardless of anything.

Secondly, I never said I want to be in his soccer world, that's something you made up right now and I don't know why.

I said I would like for him to make time for me, and either cancel his dad or his soccer in that particular case. Not to include me in his soccer. You mean when I said take me to soccer with him and then dinner afterwards? That's something he HAS done before, ad it was HIS idea. I was only implying here that he could've thought about other options which include me, instead of just pushing me over to the next day.

I think you are being judgmental here about me :).