Relationship Ptsd Bf Has Life And Relationship On Hold For 5 Years Now.. What To Do?

[DeedeeRSM]

I think I'd zero in on his view of the relationship and why he thinks it's A-okay to be deceptive.

Yes I have asked him on many ocassions..he says he can't behave normal now and I can't expect him to be a normal boyfriend right now because of his mental state. I fully accepted this. But always said I do need some form of reciprocity and show of goodwill. For example, by taking care of himself by going to therapy, by small gestures when he does feel better that show me he's trying.. I don't know just in his own way.

It has gotten to a point where I just tolerate everything he says or does. Like I said, when I disapprove, he gets angry. Then afterwards the guilt trips start.

I'm the one listening to all his stories about how unhappy he is about life and his non-existent career, I'm the one he complains to every day about not being able to sleep. I'm totally fine with this, I love him and I have supported him all along, but he needs to be wanting to help himself too.

I just can't accept it any longer that he complains about every aspect of his life to me, but at the same time does everything he likes to do for fun, does not take care of his mental health by slacking therapy, and then on top of it all puts me last on his hobbies schedule. Like Ruckster said, I feel shelved! And whenever I try to break, he guilttrips me. He acts as if he is my child :S and I should be his tolerating mother.

Just fed up.

 

[nursenurse]

You have every right to be upset. What about some counselling for you? Put your own life into perspective, why you are accepting less than stellar behaviour for yourself. PTSD is difficult at the best of times, I find from being on these forums that if crappy attributes were there in the first place, they are heightened. He does not get a free pass on life because he has PTSD. There are bills to pay, people to see, places to go. Can you honestly tell yourself that you would happily accept someone who does not even wish to aspire to better their situation in life? That story would get pretty tired pretty fast. Imagine a lifetime. Successful PTSD relationships have the attributes of regular relationships, there has to be some give and take. It may not be equal all of the time, but relationships never are. 3 years of one sidedness??? :banghead::banghead::banghead: Whatever you do, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM the way things stand.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

What about some counselling for you?

I actually signed up for a co-dependency group, but I haven't had the time to attend..have been so busy.
After my final exam next week, I'm going to call the group again and set up a starting date. I know I've been co-dependent sigh.
That goes back to childhood issues, that's why I'm supertolerant once I love a person.

He always says I haven't been supportive at all, all I am is a good listener he says :bored:
Says I'm ungratefull because he pays for dinners and I don't appreciate it by ''stressing'' him. And by saying that he means things like the example I mentioned above in the post about postponing me.

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM

ohh no thats not even possible, at this point I dont want it any longer. But before that, he didnt want to move in here because he thinks my house is too small...he needs an extra room for himself he says. In the past 3 years he has been looking for a rental for himself but he hasnt liked any house so far. I personally think he is comfortable at his parents', which would also be fine by me, if he were helping himself to get better or do something else thats productive.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You contradict yourself all over the place. You said you wanted to go to the game with him. THAT is entering his soccer world!

Then you say you EXPECT him to cancel his soccer plans but get pissed when he says he won't, simply because you didn't ASK. Gee, do you think that perhaps he could read you and infer that you wanted him to cancel his plans?

You still judge him as lazy and say you're not judge mental. Geez, well apparently you're the type who wants to blame everything on your sufferer and take no responsibility for your part in any of this. You should have just said in your first post "tell me what I want to hear".

It's irksome when a supporter comes here and refuses to try and understand, preferring to blame it all on PTSD.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

I think everyone who responded got the underlying issue here except for you. You keep holding on to the ocassion of soccer.
I was looking for answers about whether this behaviour was part of PTSD or not. As I stated very clearly. Not to be ''told what I want to hear''. Thanks for your input though.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

It's irksome when a supporter comes here and refuses to try and understand, preferring to blame it all on PTSD.

I wish you would read before you post an answer.

 

[nursenurse]

A little distance for now. I am glad you are seeking counseling for you, it should help a lot.

 

[BloomInWinter]

@Solara, please refrain from further attacks on the original poster. This is a support forum, not a place to attack newcomers by picking apart their words and speaking as if you know the entirety of their lives based upon their post(s). Your comments directed at this member are using hostile, disrespectful language. There is no need for CAPS and bang marks "!" as those are the equivalent of yelling.

It seems you have assumed facts not in evidence. I believe your comments are increasingly unfriendly and unhelpful in this thread. I think you owe her an apology.

@DeedeeRSM, this is just like anywhere else on the internet and some responses are more helpful to our own situations than others. Please take whatever is helpful and ignore the rest. I'm sorry you've received some unkind responses. It is possible to block people you don't care to read.

Good for you for seeking a healthier situation for yourself.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

Thanks BloomInWinter :)

 

[Nicolette]

I've moved this thread to Supporter relationships which is more appropriate for a supporter wanting feedback and insight. On that note; the responses should be relevant and be your opinions but let's not respond in an unfriendly manner when not warranted thank you.

 

[Snowangel1225]

At this point I would cut my losses and walk away before I invested any more time and energy into a relationship that is going nowhere. If he were making efforts to help himself, it would be different. He has chosen not to. He absolutely has that choice...it is his life. You need to chose a better life for yourself and stop waiting and hoping that things will change. If you choose to stay in an unhappy relationship, then you are choosing to stay unhappy.

 

[The Albatross]

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. It is good that you acknowledge that you have asked for some reciprocity and show of good will. It is clear however, that the boundary has been tested repeatedly and ignored. It is a manipulation (the anger, then guilt trips) for him to get his own way if you buck his view of things and don't go along with him 100%. Over time you have taught him that you will tolerate this.

It wears you down because of the emotional demands placed on the relationship and you personally ARE like a parent/child.... not like an adult relationship. "King" (because clearly he wants to call all the shots)... "Baby" (because unmet needs real or perceived lead to tantrums, guilt, manipulation or crying... and it's blame avoidance because if HIS needs aren't met, it's always YOUR fault).

Very glad to read about intending to go to a codependent group... in the meantime, even reading the book Codependent No More can be a real eye opener.

Totally unhealthy relational dynamic for two adults. PTSD or not (and I'm the one in my relationship that has PTSD, so I feel pretty confident I can say that from personal experience).