Relationship Ptsd Combat Vet

[Justmehere]

It is not good for someone with PTSD for others to risk their lives and safety to be with them. It is at best, enabling more abuse.

If you were sure he was going to do something while screaming about killing (killing you? Him? Someone else?) and you believe he did this because of PTSD, something that the is treatment for but no cure - what good will come if you staying with him?

It is inappropriate to excuse or explain abuse as being due to PTSD - but let's try to move past that.

If you believe his behavior to treat you so badly and put you in fear for your safety, is due to PTSD, there is a likelihood that it will get worse as you get closer to him. If he is already screaming of killing people (how the heck is that due to PTSD?) and you are running out of his place in fear... I don't think there is anyone here on this forum of PTSD supporters and suffers who is going to tell you, oh yeah, you should totally go back to that guy. Even if it was "just" 60 seconds of that happening. Or 2 seconds.

It doesn't matter what he is "normally" like or how perfect he is the rest of the time. He still did that. And I don't think there is anyone who will encourage you to try to make this work. It's not good for him or you to excuse what he did in any way or to stay in this.

This is a community of people that knows abusive situations when they come up. His behavior to make you fear for your safety is potentially putting you in a situation where YOU could develop PTSD.

It's your choice to stay or go. You came here for advice from people who know about PTSD, and it's feedback you can take or leave. No reason to start yelling at us things you have already written before. It is pretty clear you want to blame it on the PTSD in order to stay in the relationship. PTSD or not - what he did was abusive and dangerous and no one is going to encourage you to let more abuse into your life.

You wrote in your first post that he is not allowed to have guns because of being hospitalized. That is a HUGE red flag in and of itself. Most people who are hospitalized don't have second amendment right to own firearms taken away. That only happens if there is a court order that he can't have guns. This guy has been a threat to safety before. That's why he can't own guns. This wasn't a 60 second glitch of everything going from perfect to terrible. There were serious problems long before this one incident.

 

[bell]

Hey guys! I am new here and am female, but accidentally pushed male for my sex.

So, I'm a little late to the party, but what the heck does this sentence actually mean?

We also usually end up having sex basically every time I see him.

Also, is this actually a real relationship? Like for real grown ups? Because, maybe I'm wrong, but: a) your arguments as to why this relationship is so great sound like you're 14 and b) I think the whole point of being in a relationship is enjoying the person's company, not just getting naked with them. If I was in a relationship with someone and they wanted sex with me *every* time I was with them, I would seriously question the reality of what was going on. Just because you're always having sex doesn't mean this is all healthy, because real relationships are comprised of a whole lot more.

I have sex with him because I love him.

You do know that love is more than sex, right? Because you sound like to you two, all it's all sex and no substance. (And I'm reiterating it, because this seems to keep coming up in your -feeble- arguments about why this relationship is one to keep.)

To be honest, in reading this thread, it sounds like neither of you are mature enough to properly deal with what's going on, meaning that if this relationship continues as it is, it will only lead to heartbreak.

 

[TIFFk]

Hi @windswept ...I am so sorry people are jumping at you like they are. I thought this was suppose to be like a support group. Allthough I realize what @windswept said came off very bad and insulting to people who suffer with PTSD I think you all should not be so judgmental of her..I'm sure the reason she came here was to learn ...if she already knew all there was to learn she wouldn't be on this site....I feel like you could have found a better way to tell her how she was being insulting without making her feel worthless.

 

[Tinyflame]

I would hope that no one wants to make anyone feel worthless, and I do think people tried to overlook misinterpretations or words that could construe an underlying insulting undertone. (Words often reveal beliefs). But I do feel they are trying (at least I was) to point out the dangers, & the dangers of a bit of knowledge.

Perhaps I or we do not convey it well, but we do understand because we are living it. We too often don't know what to always do to limit or stop our own meltdowns.

 

[StarChild]

I feel like you could have found a better way to tell her how she was being insulting without making her feel worthless.

1. You're mixing things here @TIFFk: It's not her who feels worthless by reading our post on this thread, but you!
2. By writing what you wrote and how you wrote it, you gloriously crossed the line and did exactly, what you're blaming us for; You became judgemental... So welcome to the club!
3. Sometimes it's simply no nonsense time! If someone doesn't like, that they don't get to hear from us, what they want to hear, then simply don't post!
4. It is not our duty to make you happy = to give you what you want to hear. - But to be honest with you and help you as good as we can! And that's exactly what members here tried to do right from the beginning. Despite insult after insult, as even you had to admit:
   

   I realize what [DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/28628/"]@windswept[/DLMURL] said came off very bad and insulting to people who suffer with PTSD I

5. Support comes in many forms. And really, if you read each and every answer that were written, you'll realize, that there's quite a variety of support. And in the end, it boils down to this: Take what you like / can handle and dismiss the rest. It's as simple as that.
   
6. And, (but this is my very personal opinion): Show some respect when coming new into a community. Instead of an attitude of entitlement and expectations and in her case, even an attitude of know-it-all.

Well, that's all I'm going to say. I'm not willing to discuss any of these matters further. For I feel, in this case it's pointless.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My last reply wasn't for @windswept, it was to the others in this thread who say this guy is abusive. Shocking as this attitude is coming from seasoned members. Maybe we should all go live on separate desert islands in solitary so we don't risk ACCIDENTALLY hurting someone in the middle of a flashback. People are incredibly short sighted as to say a sufferer is abusive for their actions during a flashback like that. Apparently intent is out the window, so by your reasoning, everyone who kills someone should be put to death because killing is killing! It doesn't matter if it's premeditated or a freakish accident. Death is death, someone needs to pay! (Do you get my point yet?) I get a bit tired of everything a sufferer does being labeled as abuse!

 

[scout86]

All I want to add is that I was trying HARD to be moderate in my responses and give the OP the benefit of the doubt. When I read the remark about the guy being "salvageable" what I "heard" was a litany of stuff about "worthless, no good, damaged goods, never going to amount anything, etc" I've had enough people in my life who have had a superior, "I might condescend to throw you a few crumbs if you make the effort to live up to my expectations" attitude. I was EXTREMELY offended. But that's me and my reaction. I don't have enough information about the OP to be sure where she was coming from or what her attitude actually is, and I know that. So I wanted things to run out far enough to get more accurate information. And yet, she kept saying things that, to me, were both stupid and offensive.Not to mention that they suggested she might be asking for "help" but she really didn't need any because she already knew how this works.

I don't think you "support" people by telling them some version of what they want to hear when that's WAY off the mark. And that comes from someone who's spent a lifetime trying to survive by reading people and giving them what they seemed to want. For me, not doing that is "progress". On the flip side of things, if the opening round of this conversation had taken place in person, where I didn't have take the time to think about what I was saying.... let's just say I would have been much LESS diplomatic.

Personally, I thought the responses were pretty good.

And, @Solara , you got 2 thumbs up and a standing ovation from me for that last post.

 

[TIFFk]

@TreeHugger I agree that several people offered support and several people expressed how insulted they felt in a way that was helpful to her ,however several others did not. I realize that this is a sensitive subject and every word I type is potentially offensive but my intentions are not to offend you or anyone else. I am not trying to be disrespectful .I'm in no way saying anything she said was acceptable. And yea your completely right I do feel worthless. Maybe I shouldn't have assumed she felt worthless as well. I suppose since I'm always on the edge of suicidal I assume everyone else is too. I'm always afraid that something I say will be the final straw that pushes someone to suicide . I guess in a way I was trying to protect her as if she was me ,but she's not.

 

[scout86]

I guess in a way I was trying to protect her as if she was me ,but she's not.

You're right, she's not.

And, YOU'RE not responsible for how anyone else chooses to react to something you might say, or not say, either. All you can do is speak your truth, as kindly as you know how. How someone else decides to react is their responsibility. You are only responsible for you.

 

[Justmehere]

@Solara - while I don't fully agree with you, I think you make some important point and bring a very important balance to the conversation.

I have been abusive to people in the middle of a flashback. Just because I'm doing it in a flashback doesn't mean it's not abusive to them. Hmm. Maybe abuse is the wrong word? Maybe hurtful is a better word? I have screamed and yelled at others. My doing this has lead to others crying, and being scared and emotionally hurt. Does the fact that I have PTSD and it happened in a flashback change That they were hurt by my actions? Not really.

Does it change what the outcome should be? Yes. But should my hurtful actions be labeled as something other than hurtful? I don't think so. My action to yell and scream in a flashback hurt other people - and when other people didn't put up with that with me, it helped me get help.

Most of my trauma came at the hands of two parents who had unmanaged PTSD. Some of their behavior was due to PTSD. The fact that my abusers had PTSD does change some things about what to do about what happened - but it doesn't negate the fact that I got hurt. I was abused. I nearly died at their hands for things they did in PTSD fueled breakdowns and flashbacks.

For example, my father pushed me out of a moving car at 70mph in the middle of a PTSD flashback. The fact that he has PTSD means that he needs to get treatment. If he did ever learn to manage his symptoms and truly apologize for what he did, maybe we would have a remote relationship. It would be extremely stressful for both of us to try - so I would have to have my own stress cup and his stress cup to be pretty empty if we even tried. And if we did try, I sure the hell won't ever get in a car with him again. Ever.

While I have never physically abused someone, being screamed at is scary to people. Some people are especially affected by it. I don't blame them and I deeply respect them if and when they decide to make sure they are not around me where I could scream at them again. Even though treatment has helped eliminate this problem from my life, I still don't feel any ill will towards them for continuing to make sure they don't get screamed at by me again. It's about them more than anything.

My feedback to the poster was more about her than the guy with PTSD.

I think we do have to consider the role PTSD plays in a person's actions, but never to the point that we negate the impact of those actions on another person - from screaming to physical abuse.

In this particular case, I don't think either party yet has the skills to navigate whatever is going on, in a way that can hold both compassion and proper boundaries for the suffer.

I also think it's scary to me to start saying screaming about killing people is a PTSD symptom. I have PTSD. I have screamed at people. But I don't scream about killing anyone - and I'm quite concerned that anything would reinforce the idea that having PTSD makes people violent.

Those are my thoughts coming from my experiences. Clearly, I can't have a completely objective perspective - which is why I'm glad for other perspectives too. :)

 

[MarineWife_2007]

With PTSD/TBI you don't get to choose just as much as they don't get to choose. One day they can be perfectly fine and the next they're just not. You don't get 100%. You get what the good Lord gives you and you put your love for them first and you cherish your good days, your "normal" days and you hold on tight on the days where it all falls apart. It's a hell of a ride and it's not for the faint of heart. Loving someone with PTSD/TBI is hard, but if you love them, then you hold on tight to those good days because that's what pulls you through the bad. The ups and downs are enough to rip any couple apart but I would never walk out on my husband when he's having an "episode". Being there and seeing my face, hearing my voice telling him it's okay is what pulls him back to the here and now. If you're not strong enough and understanding enough then you need to walk away. Don't string him on and think you'll "salvage" it when he's 100% because like I said, 100% with no issues, no flashbacks, no migraines, no seizures, just isn't going to happen.