Relationship Ptsd Dating Checklist!

[jenkins123]

No longer with my sufferer, but still onsite for aftermath self care. I actually try not to read new supporter stuff as find it hard to see that well remembered pain and confusion of the early days (and years that followed!). So, with that in mind, please all take this with a large pinch of humour as well as certainty that I might get some of it wrong, but anyway here's my supporters checklist when first 'they' announce their ptsd and ask you out:

Are you actively seeking or in treatment for it?

Do you accept that it affects not only you but how you interact with others, especially those you care about most?

And if so, are you willing or able to work on that bit too?

Will you try to communicate clearly with me when you need space so I know what to do?

Will you listen to and accept my boundaries if clearly expressed?

Okay, let's go for that drink :)


Supporters (and even sufferers), feel free to add your own!

 

[dms]

This is a Great checklist! I wish I had it in the early days of my past PTSD relationship. Be Blessed!

 

[JessMar0126]

This is great! Thanks for posting this. I am going to use this as a checklist if my sufferer decides to indeed move back to the Midwest like he says.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Thank you for the list. Cheers!

 

[Azsun]

I really like this. Thank you, and I intend to use it. It came at the right time. I am seeing my boyfriend tonight for the first time in nearly 2 weeks after the first period of pulling away following a trigger event. The first trigger event since we started dating about 6 weeks ago. We have talked every day during these 2 weeks, and he really tried to do his best to explain to me what was happening.

I joined this forum and began reading about PTSD. Our relationship is new, so tonight I don't plan on asking or demanding too much of him and do intend to just continue being supportive and see how he is feeling, how much he offers on his own. If it feels right I might use some of these check list questions, but if not tonight, soon if I find this rough patch has truly passed.

He did tell me that he does not go through many of these rough patches any more, but he recently saw someone he hadn't seen since he was in Iraq. I completely understand why it happened. He has also been very honest with me and has shown the medications he is taking. He recently moved to my city, so I don't think he has began any therapy here, or if he is open to it. I do know that he has been to the Veteran's hospital to get set up there. It seems like he has a good "handle" on his PTSD, if that's possible, and so It's encouraging.

Thanks again for the suggestions check list of questions. :)

 

[mixtapeheartache]

Azsun, I am so glad to read your story. My relationship, if it "is" one still, is only about 6 weeks old as well. Amazing that he spoke with you, mine shut me out completely for 5 days, but I am not sure if its the PTSD or just not interested suddenly in our relationship.

:-/

 

[jenkins123]

I'm glad this list is being well received, even moreso that it is agreed with by some sufferers, as perhaps that reinforces the fact that well managed sufferers welcome boundaries being set, and this is important for supporters to know, in fact one of the most important things I tried-and many times failed- to learn.

But I'm no guru, I'm fours years on/off with my sufferer, whom I love dearly still of course, but if I applied this list to him today, some answers would be 'no', meaning no matter how ready for a relationship, and to fight this beast together I was, HE was not ready, able, or willing. So I am currently using those thoughts to help ME know I did nothing wrong AND couldn't have done anymore. Another important part of a ptsd relationship self care.

 

[kiwi]

Thank you for this - makes good sense. I've been dating a wonderful man for almost 12 months and during that time it's been a sea of waves but we have experienced some fantastic calm patches .... however recently the 'turtle attacks' as we call them (which is when he retreats into his shell and doesn't come out for anything....) have been frequent and really hard to manage. My emotions I need to remain out of harms way (deep) which is fine for the moment as we work though this, but I am scared that this is how it will be. I'm going in with my eyes open but its real hard.

We are lucky to be able communicate openly about his needs and why's but ........... and 'but' is the position I find myself in. It's been 1 week since I have seen him now (we usually see each other at least daily for a coffee) - I have given myself some key milestones, to keep myself emotionally healthy and strong and If I cannot achieve these then I will forever remain his friend but I will need to move on ..... I think ??? So hard when you love them so very much in every way :o)