Ptsd Dating - I need a men who is capable of agression to feel safe. Am I alone to be like that?

[Eva1981]

Hey all

I got ptsd because of SA and can date nearly only soldiers. I need a men who is capable of agression to feel safe. Am I alone to be like that?

 

[Sideways]

I need a men who is capable of agression to feel safe.

Everyone is capable of aggression.

The things that vary are what triggers the aggression, and how the person manages it.

 

[Friday]

Am I alone to be like that?

Nope!

Although I’m not limited to combat vets, nor are they all created equal… I take it one giant leap further, in that I don’t trust anyone until I’ve seen their violence in action. Both their deliberate application of violence, and what they’re like / their own internal limits when they lose their temper &/or lose control.

The only time I ever broke this rule? I ended up marrying my abusive exHusband. Nope, nope, nope! Never making that mistake, again!

 

[Ecdysis]

Nope!

Although I’m not limited to combat vets, nor are they all created equal… I take it one giant leap further, in that I don’t trust anyone until I’ve seen their violence in action. Both their deliberate application of violence, and what they’re like / their own internal limits when they lose their temper &/or lose control.

The only time I ever broke this rule? I ended up marrying my abusive exHusband. Nope, nope, nope! Never making that mistake, again!

I agree with this. I want to know what a person is like on their bad days, in a fight, when they're dysregulated.

If they hide it, it makes me super suspicious.

Like Friday, I broke that rule once with a guy who was soooooo good at hiding his flaws and his shitty side and it was the biggest regret of my life cos it ended very, very badly.

 

[squeedle]

I've always been drawn to characters in movies or on tv who are extremely able to kill someone (think soldier, police, etc.), but is extremely controlled in deciding when he would use that ability. A very strong male who who can be equally gentle. The two extremes are so sexy to me.

In real life, I've never let a man get close to me. Ever. (If I were at all sexual, I would prefer males.)

 

[OliveJewel]

The person I married yelled at me, threw stuff in the house, and yelled at his dog. He did all that within the first month of me knowing him and we got engaged after six weeks. Aggression was very familiar to me and I preferred what was familiar. I think one of the biggest challenges of recovery is turning away from what’s familiar. And learning that familiar is not the same as safe or comfortable.

 

[Eva1981]

The person I married yelled at me, threw stuff in the house, and yelled at his dog. He did all that within the first month of me knowing him and we got engaged after six weeks. Aggression was very familiar to me and I preferred what was familiar. I think one of the biggest challenges of recovery is turning away from what’s familiar. And learning that familiar is not the same as safe or comfortable.

Thanks you for sharing. Actually the people who assaulted me were " kind" and "caring". And very loved by the rest of the family. I think what I look for is a man who if someone does something to me reacts and protects....

 

[Weemie]

Nah, am the opposite. I am done at the first sign of aggression. I've spent ages working on my own violent tendencies, and as much as possible do not want my interactions with others to feature this. As much as possible I seek peace, and pacifistic solutions. Traditional concepts of strength and weakness, bravery and cowardice, honor and dishonor - are just meaningless to me.

There is strength in vulnerability and diplomacy, and there is courage to walking away. Everyone has their breaking point. If you apply enough force, you can make people do whatever you want - or, failing that, just kill them and be done with it. But truly reaching people, affecting their opinions and emotions and minds, requires thought.

You can't make people really hear you with pure brutality. They will just fake it until they wager they can escape your grasp, or they will lose their lives along the way. Think of all the ways that so many of us struggle - a majority of this is caused by intentional, deliberate manipulation. A person has convinced you of something, emotionally. Not simple brute force.

Problem solving interpersonal relations without violence has been a lifelong undertaking for me. Understanding the value of negotiation and compromise, not merely brandishing a weapon or preying on a person's fear.

Those are the skills that matter most to me. I don't need another violent thug, one (myself) was enough.

 

[Eva1981]

Nah, am the opposite. I am done at the first sign of aggression. I've spent ages working on my own violent tendencies, and as much as possible do not want my interactions with others to feature this. As much as possible I seek peace, and pacifistic solutions. Traditional concepts of strength and weakness, bravery and cowardice, honor and dishonor - are just meaningless to me. There is strength in vulnerability and diplomacy, and there is courage to walking away.

I admire your mindset :) thank you for sharing

 

[Applecore]

The person I married yelled at me, threw stuff in the house, and yelled at his dog. He did all that within the first month of me knowing him and we got engaged after six weeks. Aggression was very familiar to me and I preferred what was familiar. I think one of the biggest challenges of recovery is turning away from what’s familiar. And learning that familiar is not the same as safe or comfortable.

Brilliant comment.

 

[Applecore]

Hey all

I got ptsd because of SA and can date nearly only soldiers. I need a men who is capable of agression to feel safe. Am I alone to be like that?

All men are capable of aggression, so are all women. Soldiers have been trained in discipline and obedience, not independence of thought.

A complete wimp of a man can be a violent rapist, and a the most "feminine" of women can murder her own children. I know that because I have interviewed the mother of a woman who murdered her own two children with a kitchen knife. I have also interviewed the mother of a woman who was raped by a gentle "mother's boy."

I happen to be close friends with soldiers who have legally killed people in combat, and I know who they are through and through. Their soldiering has got next to nothing to do with their treatment of women, except that each one of them was accustomed to using prostitutes when they were on the front line, and then back home. While this isn't the rule for all soldiers, it is for the ones that I know.

And by the way, soldiering isn't primarily about violence, but service: one of my British veteran soldier friends went to the Polish-Ukrainian border at the start of the war, to serve hot soup to frozen refugee mothers and children. That was after he went down to the Russian front as a volunteer fighter, and left because he saw he would be a waste of resources there. He was horrified by very young, inexperienced British colleagues who went there purely with the intention of killing people - he found them utterly juvenile, if not psychopathic.

While you're certainly not alone, I honestly believe you might have some false preconceptions about soldiers, if not men. If you've had traumatic experience of sexual abuse from men, it's completely natural that this can shape your view of the world. You're certainly not alone in that, and group therapy with fellow survivors may help develop multiple perspectives as your external reference points, which are so important to our personal psychology. I really think that would be a good idea.

Sorry to be blunt, I am genuinely trying to help.