Sufferer Ptsd + Depression In College

[recoveryqueen11]

I've been struggling with depression since December when I had my first panic attack from past rape trauma (I have been raped twice so far in college). Grew up with an intense emotionally abusive mother who also suffers from a laundry list of mental issues. I was exuberant and stress free before my disorders were triggered and thought I was on my way to living a decent life despite what I had faced.

My PTSD symptoms started around February. I get very hyper vigilant on the street just walking to class worried that the men I see on my way are going to rape me. I get so panicked and fearful and their faces just light up as I get more scared (which makes me very concerned with the average male's response to a woman who is clearly traumatized). I have been having panic attacks lately all over my college campus and am very embarrassed and wish they would stop happening so I could go about my day normally again.

I have been in therapy since January, tried Lexapro but had really shitty side effects so I haven't tried medication since then. I have some days where I feel like myself and not depressed or panicked or anxious at all. But I still have days that are very overwhelming and stressful and finals are coming up for me and I'm very unsure of how I'm going to finish this semester.

Yesterday my therapist was strongly urging me to check myself into a hospital and I can't decide if that's what I need to do. I'm not in immediate danger to myself, I've been having some more suicidal thoughts again after a break but I don't think they will lead to much. My therapist wants me to try medication again but I'm really scared of the side effects but I want something to work. I really do want to get better.

 

[InsideAWord]

Hello.

I'm also in college and dealt with pretty extreme panic attacks shortly after my trauma. It got to the point where I would have a "fight or flight" response and, after being on campus for only 15 minutes, I would basically high-tail it out of the classroom and run back home. It sucks, especially if you take your studies seriously. The panic seems to drown out everything else, though, when you finally escalate.

I started out on Lexapro and it definitely eased some of my anxieties. However, after 3 months, it wasn't really working so I had to switch. Ironically, my psychiatrist put me on Concerta, a known stimulant for focusing, and that has done the trick to keep me grounded. But, that's just what worked for me.

The medication issue is tricky -- the philosophy behind medications for mental illness is that you will use the medication to ease your symptoms so you can focus on recovery and coping. The ultimate goal is to then eventually and gradually wean you off your medication until you're functioning just fine without medication.

If you're having a hard time dealing with reality without medications, I would try to think about it. Not all medications are the same, and some medications may work for some people whereas it won't work for others. e.g. Some people swear by Seroquel and think it does wonders for their symptoms. I personally hated Seroquel and its effects, so I asked to switch. There are medications similar to Lexapro, but there will be something different that may mesh with you better.

The decision is ultimately up to you. But, if you're just beginning to process the trauma and symptoms, it might help to take the edge off. Then, hopefully you'll hit the point in your therapy when you can begin weaning off medication.

Best of luck.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello,

You may want to talk with your colleges disability services. I am not sure where you are but they can be very helpful and they deal with many disabilities including psychological. They can give you accommodations in your classes that may help you out.

Have you thought of taking some time off from college to give you a chance to recover and get more help? I took a few years off, started college and took some more time to recover and get stable. It did a world of good.

Best wishes.

 

[recoveryqueen11]

I am enrolled in my college's disabled students program. Summer is coming soon and I'm only planning on working then so I'm hoping that will be some time to recover, stress from school has been one of my main triggers all semester.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi and welcome :)

I'm a college student too, and I also have sexual abuse related PTSD.

I used to be terrified for about 75% of the day and I thought I was going to lose my mind. Luckily, I was prescribed the right kind of medication at first try and it's really helping me. I can now study full time (though not without struggles, obviously), I can have fun and I'm a LOT less anxious.
Like @InsideAWord already said, medication can be a good thing, for it can lessen your symptoms so that you can deal with the root of the problem. But everyone is different, so talk about it with your psychiatrist/GP first.

You do seem very stressed/anxious to me (judging by your post) and I think it would be wise for you to get a solid and safe support system, preferably a combination of the right amount of therapy and family and/or friends that you can trust.

Your phrasing does worry me a little, saying that you've been raped twice so far while in college. Have you talked to the police? Are you at risk at running into your abuser(s) again?

If you ever want to talk about what happened or anything else, feel free to send me a personal message.

You're worth fighting for and you deserve a happy life.

 

[Changing4Best]

If you have a suicide plan in place, you need to be hospitalized. If not, you might be able to swing it without the trip to the hospital, but maybe more therapy sessions would be wise in place of the H. Do you know any grounding techniques? Like focusing on things in the environment and your feet touching the ground. Sights, sounds, aromas and smells, temperatures, etc. Do your best to get your focus off the suicidal thoughts, but if you can't, go to the H. Don't take the chance!

 

[recoveryqueen11]

You do seem very stressed/anxious to me (judging by your post) and I think it would be wise for you to get a solid and safe support system, preferably a combination of the right amount of therapy and family and/or friends that you can trust.

Your phrasing does worry me a little, saying that you've been raped twice so far while in college. Have you talked to the police? Are you at risk at running into your abuser(s) again?

Thanks for your reply! I'm not necessarily directly at risk of being raped again, I'm just cynical in general that colleges are not safe environments for girls who don't want to be raped. I didn't report either of mine because I didn't think it would work out too well and my college is dealing with a lawsuit right now about mishandling sexual assault cases.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Recoveryqueen,

Welcome to the forum! :)

College is very stressful, especially during finals as the results of the exams carry so much weight on an overall grade. It is really normal for people who have PTSD to find an increase in their symptoms during stressful periods and that is why it is so important to really focus on self-care, self-soothing and other symptom management tools.

Medication is very personal and it can take a lot of trial and error before an effective medication (or combination) can be found. There are also a lot of things you can do that can help with symptoms and this site has a lot of information about that.

Rape is traumatic and it is not surprising that you find yourself being hyper-vigilant in the environment which they occurred. Whether you report them or not, I hope you are working on this with your counselor or therapist. There is also a sister site you may find helpful: MySexAbuse.com.

Debbie