ED Ptsd eating disorder

[gtpgurl]

Because of my PTSD I have developed an eating disorder a long time ago. Mainly bulimia but I have had periods of anorexia and c&s.

I wish I could talk about it in therapy but I only brought up twice and each time I have she mentioned inpatient Treatment and I really don't do very good inpatient.

I feel horrible now that I am a mother and I still can't stop . I want so desperately to be a good role model I don't want my daughter growing up developing eating disorders.

I'm still trying to lose last 20 pounds of baby weight. I normally eat very healthy but I am always counting calories to try to lose the weight. I always end up feeling guilty even though its something healthy I have eaten and I end up throwing up.

I recently found out my boyfriend was looking at porn again (Porn is a very large part of my trauma) it has gotten worse. I am desperate to lose the weight and it just won't come off. I feel so ashamed I'm trying so hard to be a very good mother but I feel like a failure. I want so badly to not do it but it's almost like an addiction I can't stop myself once the thought enters my head (also have OCD). I don't know what to do and I don't know who to talk to. I don't know how to stop.

The shame and guilt I'm feeling over this is starting to cause very strong urges to self harm again, which I haven't really done since before I was pregnant. I just want to be a healthy normal person does not have all these problems. I just want to be a good mother and a good wife. I just feel so horrible I'm having a very hard time.

 

[Sweethellishlove]

It's the worst feeling not being able to lose weight. I go from binge eating to complete starvation. I will lose 60 pounds in 3 months but then gain it all back by binge eating. I'm pregnant now so I've just been trying to maintain and not starve or binge because it would be bad for the baby...it's been SUPER hard though. As for the porn, have you talked to him about it? I don't know how bad it is if he's looking at it all the time or what. I know porn can be a gateway to other things and is a problem in a lot of people's relationships. Just try really hard not to self harm, I know it seems easier to feel the physical pain rather then the emotional...but you don't want to do it for a reason...because you know the physical is worse then the emotional in the long run.

 

[gtpgurl]

I'm trying very hard to lose the weight. I'm basically only eating about 1100 to 1200 calories a day at this point because 1400 wasn't getting me anywhere.Eeverything I eat is extremely healthy fruits, vegetables, lean protein, barely any carbs and when I do its 100 percent whole wheat. I still get that overwhelming guilt once in awhile though and I'm throwing up even though there's no need to. I gained about 50 pounds in my pregnancy which I guess isn't too horribly bad. But still twice as much as I wanted to gain. Now I'm stuck with this last 20 pounds, I cannot get it to go away. I feel so disgusting.

We have talked many times about the porn. This is not the first time that I caught him looking at it. Evidently he was looking at pretty much every morning .

I have tried punching pillows and punching the bed, one of my old therapist told me that that is a good way to get out anger when you want to self harm but its not really cutting it. My self esteem is just so out the window. Being a mom is the only thing getting me through right now. I probably cut myself a thousand times by now if I wasn't mom.

Im just trying to stay strong. I know that he loves me. Our relationship is really good in every other way. its just this one stupid porn issue. I wish that didn't care. but it hurts me so bad.

 

[austint]

I am not giving advise but if the porn hurts you so much you hurt yourself to try to live up to an expectation you think he has in terms of sexual needs, I think you should evaluate what kind of example that sets for your daughter. Yes, I get you feel guilty about the eating disorder, but reading your post with an outside perspective it sounds like you wouldn't feel the need to self harm so much if you were in a relationship where your emotional needs were met. Sometimes emotional needs aren't just what our partners do, but what they don't do out of mutual respect. If porn is so important he looks at it everyday when he knows you are not OK with it, maybe you should think long term; do you want your daughter growing up in a home where she will more than likely be exposed to that on a regular basis.