Welcome to the forum! I've only been a member for a short time, as well, but I've experienced real relief, just in these few days--I'd not only given up hope for such, but forgotten what it felt like.
I understand completely regarding not being able to open up to a therapist--or general-in face-to-face interactions. I came from a family where to do so, at all, was attacked as weakness.
In fact, I was so without any such concept, or frame of reference, that I was immediately "fired" from each therapist I began seeing--I didn't even know what I was doing wrong, and none ever told me. That's how "sealed off" I was.
In periods when I was in a "decompensated state" (I now realize) on the other hand--what flooded out of me was simply too much...and I was fired for that immediately.
So it was either one end of the spectrum, or the other. In other words, I understand.
In my experience, those who have the most difficulty "opening up" have the most trauma to deal with (although it can often be cultural, as well, as some of my own was).
I don't know what your culture-of-origin is, of course, but it may be worth considering trying to find a therapist of the same or similar cultural background. That was crucial to me, I now realize--though it took a long time for me to put that together.
With severe trauma, there can initially be a kind of "opening of the floodgates" phenomena, which can be debilitating, in itself. That's why it's important to have the right kind of guide, and a competent one. I'd encourage you to not take personally any inability to open up to a particular therapist, or consider it as a sign that "therapy is impossible for me". For people with serious trust issues, it really is a matter of finding just the right one...and not stopping until you do, due to discouragement at not having found that person, so far.
It's not easy. It naturally seems easier to go on the way you have (a natural human fear of the unknown, of course)...but I've learned that if you have symptoms serious enough to affect your quality of life at any point, keeping at it with purpose is preferable to merely continuing on, and remaining "stuck"...It's often only a matter of time until a breakdown occurs, of its own, under such circumstances. And years of just barely existing can be wasted in the meantime. I know that was the case for me.
I wish I were speaking from experience as "one who made it through to the other side". However I'm only now beginning this journey, myself. But I'm relating to you what I've learned from much reading, in the meantime, and hope it's taken as supportive encouragement, rather than as someone suggesting that "you're just not trying hard enough", or that it should be easy.
I, too, have had violent nightmares, as well as numbing, and intrusive thoughts, all my life, and it's not easy--either to stay there, or take the risk of moving forward, and experiencing more the pain of opening yourself up to confronting such feelings head-on.
I'm very sorry for your experience. I do know how hard it is. I'm glad you've found the forum, somewhere for support that can make you feel less alone and uniquely damaged. I know it's been very helpful for me, even in a short time.
Take care, and best wishes
