Hi, My name is Denny and I was diagnosed with PTSD after spending years off and on since 2007 in bed in extreme pain as a result of a injury in December 2007 that caused a incurable disease called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. According to the McGill pain scale, this disease is rated the worst pain condition/disease compared to any other. I know this may sound selfish when comparing pain conditions/diseases however the medical literature states this. The best way I can describe the pain is imagine someone pouring gasoline on you and then setting your body on fire as well as feeling like your being stabbed with many knives. It's also known as the "Suicide Disease' and the last time I went down in 2012 with 10 pain, I also developed Bells Palsy and couldn't see, hear, eat, or talk for around 9 1/2 months. I had to teach myself how to walk, talk, and eat again and once the pain decreased and I was able to get out of bed, I exploded with emotions including fear of the pain returning to that extreme level again. This was around November of 2013, and I was scared to death of everything including my house, my wife, people, and life in general. Today, i'm seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist and attending two support groups Coping and Grounding Skills. Although therapy is helping, I'm still unable to feel any emotions other than sometimes out of control anxiety and fear. I haven't been able to feel any love or positive feelings for years and wondering if and when I will ever feel those feelings again. I'm very moody with my wife and although I want to connect with my family, friends and people in general again, I've been spending most of my time isolating which I know is not healthy. I'm afraid to start moving around again and even taking showers since I'm afraid of doing anything that might trigger that pain again. I've been avoiding anything that reminds me of the traumas I've suffered with this disease as well as many childhood traumas that I thought I had death with through many years of therapy but also came back in my mind during the severe anxiety and severe depression I go through as a result of this disease. I'm motivated to recover as best as I can and hopefully eventually stop living in this fear which has disabled me. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was younger and that condition has also been a factor during the PTSD. I've had PTSD many times in the past from CRPS however since this disease progresses and the pain gets worse, the PTSD has significantly increased. Thanks to a regular treatment I receive on a monthly basis (Ketamine Infusions) for the CRPS as well as anxiety and depression, the pain has significantly decreased and my quality of life has improved so that I can walk and go places w/o feeling high pain.
Many family and friends think I should be grateful for this treatment and the fact that I'm no longer in bed fighting for my life and that I should be happy. Although I am grateful, I'm still trying to deal with the years of anxiety, depression, etc.. that I've been through and although I'm having more good days, I still have many bad days and find myself thinking constantly about the good times and especially bad times I went through. Although I feel very alone now, I know I'm not and that there are many other people trying to live with PTSD. I've come here for help, knowledge and support and hopefully will make some new friends that I can communicate with including phone calls. Under normal circumstances, I would be posting on the CRPS groups however starting last Summer while I was going through trauma/PTSD, a lot of my friends and people I didn't know were committing suicide or dying from complications of this disease (CRPS). Although I still visit, post, and talk with a few people from those groups by phone occasionally, I've been unable to handle participating and reading the posts from people because doing that triggers a lot of the trauma and PTSD symptoms and as a result, I'm unable to calm myself down. Even today, I still has flashbacks to what I've been through as well as life before the CRPS and PTSD increased. I constantly shake from this disease and feel very self conscious when out on public and others see me shake and either ask me why or make comments to me or others. I get very angry and then want to go home and crawl back in my hole and isolate. It's taken a lot for me to join and post today however I'm more than tired of trying to work though this all by myself. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this post and thank anyone in advance for their support.
Many family and friends think I should be grateful for this treatment and the fact that I'm no longer in bed fighting for my life and that I should be happy. Although I am grateful, I'm still trying to deal with the years of anxiety, depression, etc.. that I've been through and although I'm having more good days, I still have many bad days and find myself thinking constantly about the good times and especially bad times I went through. Although I feel very alone now, I know I'm not and that there are many other people trying to live with PTSD. I've come here for help, knowledge and support and hopefully will make some new friends that I can communicate with including phone calls. Under normal circumstances, I would be posting on the CRPS groups however starting last Summer while I was going through trauma/PTSD, a lot of my friends and people I didn't know were committing suicide or dying from complications of this disease (CRPS). Although I still visit, post, and talk with a few people from those groups by phone occasionally, I've been unable to handle participating and reading the posts from people because doing that triggers a lot of the trauma and PTSD symptoms and as a result, I'm unable to calm myself down. Even today, I still has flashbacks to what I've been through as well as life before the CRPS and PTSD increased. I constantly shake from this disease and feel very self conscious when out on public and others see me shake and either ask me why or make comments to me or others. I get very angry and then want to go home and crawl back in my hole and isolate. It's taken a lot for me to join and post today however I'm more than tired of trying to work though this all by myself. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this post and thank anyone in advance for their support.
