Sufferer Ptsd From Childhood Abuse

[Foxglove]

*trigger warning*
Hello all. I have recently been diagnosed with ptsd as a result of my childhood abuse. I was severely abused by my brother and my parents never stopped it or protected me. They just looked the other way and denied it whenever it came up. Well, I shoved it all down inside and bottled it up until last year when I exploded from holding it in so long. Since then I have begun to speak out about my abuse and tell the truth. Before I spoke out publicly I called my mother sobbing and begged her to go to therapy with me so we could talk about the abuse and maybe I could understand why she allowed it to happen and get better. I told her I was suicidal. Her response was to deny it and she quit speaking to me for months.

This caused me to be even MORE suicidal as I now knew my mother would rather I kill myself and die than admit what happened to help me. I have been called a liar for being the only one in the family with the balls to tell the truth. My sister supported me in the beginning agreeing with me about the abuse. After my mom turned her back on me I went public with the abuse talking about it online. This must have embarrassed my sister very much because she immediately changed her story and said I must be exaggerating things because I have depression and anxiety. I am really struggling now that the last person who supported my story has abandoned me. I'm not saying it's her fault. I get that she is embarrassed and doesn't want to be involved and perhaps even in denial, but it has taken a HUGE toll on me and I have become extremely suicidal and having even more frequent flashbacks of the abuse since she joined the others in denying the abuse.

The other night I spent three hours googling "sure fire ways to kill yourself." Because I cannot take this pain anymore. I cannot feel it anymore. It is too much. I just cant. In the past I have tried cutting my wrists and swallowing a bottle of pills only to wake up pissed off as hell that I was still alive. That's why I was googling sure fire ways to do it. Also I have spent all of today and this evening trying to figure out how to get to the bridge in my town to throw myself off of it. I don't have a car and have no way to get myself there. I am really struggling with this and need help.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thank you for putting a trigger warning. Welcome to the forum Foxglove :)

 

[Foxglove]

Thank you. I would feel terrible if I triggered someone else who is struggling and made them feel worse.

 

[Hope4Now]

Foxglove, don't do it. You can get through this with support. Get to the ER. Keep writing on this page. There are lots of people here who want to listen and support you.

 

[Foxglove]

Thank you. I am struggling so hard to get through this. I am not going anywhere tonight as I have no way to get to the bridge anyway. I understand I need help. I am seeing a psychiatrist who has diagnosed me with ptsd, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. I agree with all of these diagnoses. I need to get in therapy she says. At the moment I don't have insurance and cant afford it.

I plan on applying for Medicaid in the next few days so maybe I can get some therapy. The suicidal thoughts have been eating me alive today though. I have good days and bad days. Today has been bad. I hope to have more good days until I can get to therapy. My doctor wants to put me on lithium but says she cant until I get some lab work done and she can see the results to see if it is safe for me to take the lithium. Hopefully if I get Medicaid I can get my labs done, better meds, and therapy. Thank you so much for reading.

 

[Loner]

I hope you don't kill yourself. This world needs more brave caring people, and it sounds like you are one. I am so sorry for what you have been through. Life is often lonely and people are often uncaring and cold. It sucks. feel free to message me any time. Personally, I would suggest using this forum and trying to get into therapy, I would not suggest looking to lithium for help. The pharmaceutical industry is largely parasitic and all about taking your money, in my opinion.

 

[Foxglove]

Thank you, loner! It makes me sad that strangers care about me more than my family, but at the same time, I am grateful for you strangers and your kind words.

 

[katiekat]

Foxglove, thank you so much for posting! I am also a victim of childhood sibling abuse by my brother. My mom favored him because he almost died as a baby. I am the youngest and only girl in my family. My abusive brother is less than 2 years older than me, and my oldest brother is 5 years older. My mom turned a blind eye to my brother's behavior and I was often blamed for it, they would say I instigated fights and didn't want to be bothered by our fighting. I was only diagnosed 5 months ago (I am now 30 years old). It explains a lot of what i have struggled with all these years.

I think you are so incredibly brave to go public with your story, I don't think I could do that but i am so glad you have. Ever since my diagnosis I have been a lot of research and have found very little on sibling abuse and it feels like society is marginalizing the issue which hurts because that is how it's handled within the home. It seems like no one will speak up about it, and that is why I think you are so much stronger than you think... because you are talking about it. People like me need you to help us feel less alone in this taboo subject of sibling abuse. So thanks, and know that you are needed more than you probably realize!!

 

[franciemarnie]

Denying someone's reality of abuse is horrible. Simply horrible.

But your certain knowledge of that reality and your sense of self will grow so strong someday that nothing anyone says will change your sense of being. Hold on. Keep moving towards therapy. We believe in you. We know. We understand.

You are tremendously courageous.

 

[Foxglove]

I TRIED to go to bed, but I just laid there in the dark with the intrusive thoughts of my abuse and my family not caring if I live or die so OF COURSE I couldn't sleep. So, I just got out of bed and signed right back into this forum.

Katiekat, I think sibling abuse is many times denied and brushed off as sibling rivalry. I know all kids fight with their brothers and sisters at times, but there is a time when it crosses the line into abuse. What my brother did to me was not sibling rivalry. What he did to me was sick and twisted. He is my parent's first born and they have always favored him as well. I would also like to let you know that my parents blamed ME for the abuse too! WTF? My mother always told me, "You shouldn't have made him mad." Ok, I'm sure sometimes I made him mad, but there were many times where he just started abusing me for absolutely no reason. I am a female and he is a male 4 years older than me. And they blame the little girl for her own beatings. Why do they blame the victims? Thank you for those words, katiekat. They really mean a lot. It seems like our stories are really similar.

franciemarnie, thank YOU as well. I have never been called courageous ever before in my life. I have never felt courageous either. But maybe I am. I will be honest, my ptsd makes me furious and full of rage at times when I remember what was allowed to be done to me. Many times, that is when I would go online and publicly speak about it. I'm not sure if it was courage or just rage but I do feel like I can't hold it in anymore. My mother said I was trying to ruin her life when I posted about the abuse online. I didn't call her out by name or anything. But obviously people who know us in real life know who my mother is. It really made me furious when she said I was trying to ruin her life. I feel like the problems I have had my entire life, the depression and anxiety and ptsd have ruined MY LIFE especially lately as it has flared up so bad. I cannot work and don't even have a car. I feel helpless. It is seriously debilitating, so I feel like my life was ruined by the abuse. To allow your child to be severely abused and then when they finally tell the truth about what happened to simply say "You're just trying to ruin my life." is incredibly selfish and disgusting.

Yes, I am full of rage and anger at times. And other times I am just so sad and depressed and in so much pain. I hope everyone here knows you can message me at anytime too. I might not be the best at giving advice as I am currently lost myself but I'm a good listener.

 

[joeygn72]

I have a similar situation. My brother was severely abusive,when I was taken from my mom and put in a boys home my house father was sexually abusive. Years and years later my mother still won't talk about any of it. I say that to say this,your parents reaction to you now is a defense mechanism they have put in place to protect themselves. I'm not insinuating you have empathy for them just realize your desire for them to be upstanding parents now is prob. futile at best.

For years I wanted these people to pay for what was done to me....... Sadly enough it's not gonna happen and I end up like a dog chasing his tail which in turn causes me stress and kicks my symptoms off. It's time I stopped trying to hold them accountable and realize that my attempt to make them take responsibility was damaging me further. I have been damaged enough I don't need more help.... I hope you can find peace... My advice is to take care of yourself.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Foxglove,

Welcome to the forum!

Nothing hurts like denial and I am sorry you are experiencing this with your family. I just want you to remember that no one can change anyone else and the only thing we have control over is ourselves. You didn't pick your parents, your siblings or the abuse, and unfortunately it was the situation that you were born into. But now you do have the freedom to choose and choose to take care of yourself first. Keep yourself safe and work to make your own life the best that it can be.

Debbie