Sufferer Ptsd From Childhood Abuse

[Echo]

Hi @Foxglove - welcome. Stay with us; it really helps to be on this forum. I am in a similar position to you, except it is my father who abused me. My mother has always known and never did anything. They both heard me being raped when I was 20 on a family holiday and did nothing to help me on the day or afterwards. My mother always, always takes my father's side and he hers. It is an unbreakable contract somehow between them. My mother would most definitely rather I died than admit the truth. More important to her is her safety, her status in the world and her fantasy of the perfect family life, none of which must be disrupted at any cost.

I am in the process of speaking my truth too, and yesterday I, too, realised that the one sister of my three who has so far supported me, and brilliantly so, just does not want me to speak out and is distancing herself. I get totally how hurtful this is. I can only presume that my silence has allowed them all to live lovely lives in denial and none of them have the strength, unlike us, the victims, to face the truth. So, yes, we are the strong ones. We are the survivors.

In the build-up to this, I have realised that I have to extricate my sense of self and identity from that of the family. My therapist points out that I have drawn a sense of belonging and safety from a nest of abusers. Now I have to build it around positive, life-affirming things. I have lost many friends since the onset of my PTSD, but the ones that remain love me for who I am. We have to build a life with friends as family, and partners when we are ready. It is a very tough pathway, when others around us will never have to do this and do not understand the pain. But here on this forum you can make a start, like me, because we are surrounded by amazing, strong, wonderful people who do understand.

Don't let your weak, abusive family steal your future from you. Make it as brilliant as you are. And you are.

 

[BeatenMan]

FoxGlove, please take the power back from your family. They dont get a choice in you life if they are going to be in denial. Stepping back from family was one the hardest but most rewarding tasks of my life. Just get through the day Fox, and then tomorrow wake up and do it again. Before you know it, you gain a better perspective on your situation and your family. It sucks horribly, I know it does, but from a guy who walked it, it got better for me. I had to take all the guns out of my house and give them to someone else, I had to take precautions to protect myself for the bad days. When in the the thick of the pain, just focus on what you have to do to get through today. Dont look at the big picture in those times, just get through the day. I really hope it gets better for you soon, this forum is invaluable as far as support and perspective go. Ive found the people who have walked this journey are the most compassionate on the planet, dont let your family take that away from you, you are strong and brave to just be on here. Keep pressing on Fox.

 

[katiekat]

Fox, I know its not fair. I have learned life isnt fair, and I come to expect certain things. But I have also learned that I need to adjust my expectations of other people in order to cope with them. If your parents have denied your claims, then that is all you can expect them to do in the future. If you continue to have expectations for them other than what they are capable of, you will continue to be hurt time and time again by them. You also need to set healthy boundaries for yourself regarding them. Figure out what kind of interactions you are willing to have with them, figure out all your possible problems that might arise in certain situations, and then set your boundaries before entering into situations. Even make them known to others. What matters is what you believe your truth is, and that you manage your life in a healthy way.

 

[Foxglove]

Thank you everybody. It is so nice to know that I am not alone. I cried a little this morning when I first woke up thinking of my family, but after that cry I have been doing ok. I think today is going to be easier than yesterday. I am taking all of your advice to heart. I really do need to help myself. I am not sure if I can ever have a relationship with my parents again. Maybe one day, but as for right now I am just going to stay away from them because they hurt me too much and I am realizing, like you all are saying, that they are not going to admit the truth or help me. Only I can do that. I know I will still struggle and have difficult times but I am realizing I cannot expect them to help or tell the truth as they never will. Thank you all for your kind words and I wish I could give you all hugs.

 

[Echo]

@Foxglove - big hugs from me, too. I am just where you are and it is SO painful, but it is the only way forward. And it is up to our parents to face themselves or not, as the case may be. We are giving them the chance to do so, but it is probably wise to presume that they will never change and to seek out lovely people instead. Here's to building great lives for ourselves.

 

[Foxglove]

Thank you, Echo and good luck to you and your recovery!

 

[BeatenMan]

We dont have to make forever decisions in the beginning. If family is causing us more harm than good now, do what you need to for now. Taking care of ourselves is the priority. Once we have progressed in recovery, then we have the mental stability and capacity to make the big decisions on how to progress with the family point forward. Hope that makes sense.

 

[katiekat]

I agree with the previous comment. Do not make any hard plans right now about anything (don't tell yourself you will cut them out of your life or will never speak to them again, etc.) I think one thing that has really helped me is to learn to live in this moment, right here, right now, and to stop planning and worrying about what you will do in the future. You cannot control the future. You can however control what you do, think, feel and say right here in this moment only. 5 minutes from now is not even a guarantee, just like maybe in 5 years your parents may decide to take some sort of responsibility (but don't count on it). Im not trying to be morbid, just giving you a new perspective, and to make you realize that you can only truly LIVE right in the moment. The rest is us just making stuff up that may or may not happen-and sometimes that is not helpful, especially when we are troubled by it.

 

[Foxglove]

Thanks again BeatenMan and katiekat!

 

[tillybee]

Trigger?? New here took this step sexually abused by father at 13 then 21 yrs later brother tried?? I'm not sure what I'm going to do or how to get better I can't read your stories just yet but want to say hello xxx.

 

[Foxglove]

Hello, tillybee. I'm sorry to hear about your abuse. I hope you will keep posting. You should get some therapy. I still haven't started mine but it is my goal. I definitely need it and if you're suffering PTSD, you need it too. Hang in there!

 

[tillybee]

Thank you Foxglove, therapy noted, I had one therapist but I think he wanted to send me back where I came from lol .........On to the next one then