Sufferer Ptsd From Childhood Abuse

[HAlex]

Hi everyone, I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD. I have had depression and paranoia for years, but about three months ago I started having 'episodes' and flashbacks. I went to a psychiatric unit for about six weeks and was discharged recently. (Because of my progress :) ).


I was brought up in a very abusive home, my stepdad would physically, emotionally and sexually abuse us. It's so hard to live knowing what happened and that if I wasn't naughty then he wouldn't have done those horrible things.

I feel so guilty and bad for what my sister and mum went through, and was constantly told it was my fault.

I am gradually beginning to understand now how a child didn't control what a fully grown man did.
I went through two years of heavy drug use and sleeping with men constantly, just because I couldn't cope with reality and needed to distract myself. I felt dirty and worthless after being abused, so I needed to get the control back, hence the men. As for drugs, they just took me to another planet. I'm so glad that I now know that drugs just made things worse and when I look back at all of the things I have done I just feel even more ashamed.

I am starting EMDR therapy next week, so hopefully I can get some opinions and pointers on it too?.

I really have turned my life around, and plan to keep on heading forward.

I am hoping this forum will help me get through these days, because even though I get support calls daily, I need someone who understands. I really hope I can help some of you guys, and you can help me :) .
Thanks! X

 

[y5L]

So glad you're here!

This site has been so super helpful for me to consider new perspectives and new strategies. And obviously it's also really comforting to share the hard things with people who can really understand because they've been there!

 

[silkleaves]

Welcome @HAlex ..! Its great to hear that you were able to progress from impatient care. I can relate to turning to being with different men in an effort to get control back. The horrible feeling afterwards is the worst, but I keep turning to it, as a way to validate myself and also have control over some aspect of my life. And who knows, maybe that feeling of being worthless / being good for that one thing is so familiar to me that I keep doing it, even though I know I shouldnt.

Anyway! Its encouraging to see you so hopeful and how far you have come. Thanks so much for sharing!

 

[Notsowild]

Welcome to the forum @HAlex... I too have PTSD from childhood sexual and physical abuse. Don't ever feel it was your fault. You were just a child. I felt a lot of guilt for my younger sisters abuse. But we need to put it where it belongs - our fathers.

I've tried a lot of different therapies and found CBT very good. I've been very interested in EMDR. So I'll look forward to hearing about your experience.

 

[AqueousAndroid]

Welcome! Thanks for being so open and hope to see you open up more on this forum. I too come from a past of bad decisions. Up until reading your post, I hadn't really given much thought as to if it had anything to do with trauma, though your and my stories are different in that regard. In any case I'm curious to know more about EMDR, not even sure what that all entails, really. I've been in DBT before, which was a decent experience.

*rambleramble* Anyway, thank you for posting, and hope to see ya around more :)

 

[GWhizz]

Welcome to the forum @HAlex. I'm pretty new here but I'm becoming something of an addict lol *blushes*. Look forward to hearing more from you and offering any support I may have to give. As you may note, a lot of people on here can relate in some way or another.

Well done for making it out as an outpatient basis - I'm glad you have that daily support now and your working on things. It's hard to do, but a great sign of your strength that you may overcome things.

[QUOTE="HAlex, post: 717781, member: 26964"It's so hard to live knowing what happened and that if I wasn't naughty then he wouldn't have done those horrible things.[/QUOTE]

I'm still struggling in this blamegame too, but as you rightly pointed out - you could not control the actions of a grown man. Glad you can see that

 

[ghotiff]

Congratulations for progressing so well.

I too suffered childhood sexual abuse and understand how hard it is to truly forgive your child self.

Welcome :)

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum! :)

One of the greatest benefits of this site is being among members who really understand. I hope you find the information and support here helpful.

 

[HAlex]

Thank you all so much for the lovely welcome messages :hug:.

I can already tell that joining this is the best thing I have done in a long time!. It's so comforting to know I'm not alone!, and there are people who really understand!.

Thanks guys :) You have all just made me a happy lady!.