SeptemViginti
New Here
Hello all,
I am a man who just turned 30 years old who is diagnosed with PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder. My biggest triggers are abandonment and neglect, with the normal accompaniment of feeling unsafe in many social situations.
I've joined this chat amidst the loss of a lover who I have grown close with quickly over the last two months. I showed every part of myself that I could in the time that we've spent with each other and I am struggling with hypervigilance and a constantly high level of body stress. Like a rescue dog who is new to an environment of care, I am searching for a safe space to sit down and feel comforted though all I can do right now is guard my back and move away from something that makes me too anxious.
I have suffered from PTSD, consciously, since my diagnosis in 2013. At a young age, I had understood that something was wrong that I was subject to forms of abuse I did not understand, and that I would need counseling and therapy services as soon as I could get them. The amount of neglect in my childhood seems to know no bounds, and therapy was never offered nor a consideration for me. I started therapy in 2011 when I finally had health insurance and the means to pay for it. Since then I have had relationships with many different therapists who have brought several different tools to my life, breathing/"noticing exercises"/meditation/diaphromatic breathing being the greatest tool I've found success with thus far. It has been difficult to afford therapy consistently and insurance changes often force me out of my standing therapy relationships as has recently happened to me.
I was sexual abused at a very young age and it has taken me over 10 years since the first time I had admitted that to actually believe it with confidence and not shy away from what that means. Following the sexual abuse, I was witness to a range of violent abuses towards my mother. I would like to go into details about these things in a healthy and supportive environment though I have struggled to find that venue for years. I recently read educational materials on child welfare and it was eye opening to see the definitions for child abuse hit so close to home. I'll post them below:
"Types of Child Abuse
Child abuse can be subdivided into four large categories or types: neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse and emotional abuse. Although precise definitions vary from state to state, child abuse and neglect reports referred to CPS agencies are generally based on federal guidelines and include:
Neglect: Child neglect is physical neglect, child abandonment and expulsion, medical neglect, inadequate supervision, emotional neglect, and educational neglect by parents, parent substitutes, and other adult caretakers of children.3
Physical Abuse: The Fourth National Incidence Study (NIS-4) defines physical abuse as a form of maltreatment in which an injury is inflicted on the child by a caregiver via non-accidental means, including hitting with a hand, stick, strap or other object; punching; kicking; shaking; throwing; burning; stabbing; or choking to the extent that demonstrable harm results.17
Sexual Abuse: The National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect defines child sexual assault as “Contacts or interactions between a child and an adult when the child is being used for sexual stimulation of the perpetrator or another person when the perpetrator or another person is in a position of power or control over the victim.”18 Any time a child is engaged in a sexual situation with an older person, it is considered sexual abuse. This includes actual physical contact (such as fondling or rape), forcing a child to watch sexual acts or pornography, using a child in any aspect of the production of pornography, and compelling a child to look at an adult’s genitals.19 Although child sexual abuse is reported up to 80,000 times a year, the number of unreported instances is far greater.
Emotional Abuse: Emotional abuse includes making a child feel that he/she is not loved or that he/she is bad or has no value (demeaning or belittling a child, not allowing a child to have friends, name calling and other similar behaviors).1"
I can cite my sources and compile more of that information in another thread if anyone is interested. It was helpful for me to see that I was not alone in my upbringing because I meet so many other people who cannot understand what I've gone through, or rather I could say that I very rarely meet others who have been in the same situation.
From that list, I have a history of Emotional Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, and Neglect. Welp. It looks like I got the whole gamut.
I left my home with my father, quite abruptly, the day before my 18th birthday. After having separated myself from my active triggers I started down the path of being with myself void of danger and slowly started to understand what a not so obvious trigger was. I have lived on my own a couple of times, lived with partners many times, and lived with friends a few times. Each of these arrangements have their pros and cons, though I have always tried to respect those that I have effected in my struggle by learning from the past and applying it to future relationships.
Losing friends hurts. Losing lovers is devastating for me. My most recent relationship has ended amidst a bit of a triggering fit of mine. I've been hyper-vigilant for days and I regret most of the things I have said to this person, my friend, the person I have trusted the most in my recent year, and I am dealing with a lot of guilt for what behaviors I keep that lead to abusive relationships.
I recently read through an article that outlines warning signs of abusive relationships and I freaked out when I felt like I had perpetuated most of the things on the list. It was horrible to look in the mirror and I struggle to find any love for myself right now. I also made the mistake of calling out my suicidality and then turning off my phone which resulted in a call to the police and a welfare check at my home. I have been struggling to sleep and I cry tirelessly in the mornings when I wake up and in the evenings before falling asleep. I am not alone, now that my roommate is back home, and I have filled my evenings with seeing friends and putting myself into social engagements that I can commit to, if only for an hour.
I have a lot of emotional intelligence, desire to learn and adapt, and strength to confront my faults. It just sucks feeling alone in the world. It sucks feeling like I am unlovable and that no one would ever be willing to work with me and my mental health issues. It sucks to be so overruled with fear and body stress that I feel unsafe no matter where I am, both in my waking life and in my dreams. It sucks to have a family that doesn't understand, and even more worse, that perpetuates the abuse that they created. It sucks to have friends with happy lives who don't understand and cannot devote time to lending a hand or a shoulder or a simple text message. It sucks to have lovers who see me at my worse and cannot separate me from my behaviors nor can they separate my behaviors from their own insecurities. It sucks to hurt people while I am hurt and ultimately end up battling the worst of PTSD completely alone, in my own head.
I am a giver, and I am quickly finding that my time here may be spent lending my skills and encouragements and growth to others in an attempt to see my own strength and celebrate my achievements. With that said, I hope that I can take a step back from my caregiver role to open up my heart to being cared for by those who understand the struggle of PTSD and have made a conscious effort to be involved in the healing process for others.
Thank you for reading and I hope you know how just how fabulous you look today.
I am a man who just turned 30 years old who is diagnosed with PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder. My biggest triggers are abandonment and neglect, with the normal accompaniment of feeling unsafe in many social situations.
I've joined this chat amidst the loss of a lover who I have grown close with quickly over the last two months. I showed every part of myself that I could in the time that we've spent with each other and I am struggling with hypervigilance and a constantly high level of body stress. Like a rescue dog who is new to an environment of care, I am searching for a safe space to sit down and feel comforted though all I can do right now is guard my back and move away from something that makes me too anxious.
I have suffered from PTSD, consciously, since my diagnosis in 2013. At a young age, I had understood that something was wrong that I was subject to forms of abuse I did not understand, and that I would need counseling and therapy services as soon as I could get them. The amount of neglect in my childhood seems to know no bounds, and therapy was never offered nor a consideration for me. I started therapy in 2011 when I finally had health insurance and the means to pay for it. Since then I have had relationships with many different therapists who have brought several different tools to my life, breathing/"noticing exercises"/meditation/diaphromatic breathing being the greatest tool I've found success with thus far. It has been difficult to afford therapy consistently and insurance changes often force me out of my standing therapy relationships as has recently happened to me.
I was sexual abused at a very young age and it has taken me over 10 years since the first time I had admitted that to actually believe it with confidence and not shy away from what that means. Following the sexual abuse, I was witness to a range of violent abuses towards my mother. I would like to go into details about these things in a healthy and supportive environment though I have struggled to find that venue for years. I recently read educational materials on child welfare and it was eye opening to see the definitions for child abuse hit so close to home. I'll post them below:
"Types of Child Abuse
Child abuse can be subdivided into four large categories or types: neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse and emotional abuse. Although precise definitions vary from state to state, child abuse and neglect reports referred to CPS agencies are generally based on federal guidelines and include:
Neglect: Child neglect is physical neglect, child abandonment and expulsion, medical neglect, inadequate supervision, emotional neglect, and educational neglect by parents, parent substitutes, and other adult caretakers of children.3
Physical Abuse: The Fourth National Incidence Study (NIS-4) defines physical abuse as a form of maltreatment in which an injury is inflicted on the child by a caregiver via non-accidental means, including hitting with a hand, stick, strap or other object; punching; kicking; shaking; throwing; burning; stabbing; or choking to the extent that demonstrable harm results.17
Sexual Abuse: The National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect defines child sexual assault as “Contacts or interactions between a child and an adult when the child is being used for sexual stimulation of the perpetrator or another person when the perpetrator or another person is in a position of power or control over the victim.”18 Any time a child is engaged in a sexual situation with an older person, it is considered sexual abuse. This includes actual physical contact (such as fondling or rape), forcing a child to watch sexual acts or pornography, using a child in any aspect of the production of pornography, and compelling a child to look at an adult’s genitals.19 Although child sexual abuse is reported up to 80,000 times a year, the number of unreported instances is far greater.
Emotional Abuse: Emotional abuse includes making a child feel that he/she is not loved or that he/she is bad or has no value (demeaning or belittling a child, not allowing a child to have friends, name calling and other similar behaviors).1"
I can cite my sources and compile more of that information in another thread if anyone is interested. It was helpful for me to see that I was not alone in my upbringing because I meet so many other people who cannot understand what I've gone through, or rather I could say that I very rarely meet others who have been in the same situation.
From that list, I have a history of Emotional Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, and Neglect. Welp. It looks like I got the whole gamut.
I left my home with my father, quite abruptly, the day before my 18th birthday. After having separated myself from my active triggers I started down the path of being with myself void of danger and slowly started to understand what a not so obvious trigger was. I have lived on my own a couple of times, lived with partners many times, and lived with friends a few times. Each of these arrangements have their pros and cons, though I have always tried to respect those that I have effected in my struggle by learning from the past and applying it to future relationships.
Losing friends hurts. Losing lovers is devastating for me. My most recent relationship has ended amidst a bit of a triggering fit of mine. I've been hyper-vigilant for days and I regret most of the things I have said to this person, my friend, the person I have trusted the most in my recent year, and I am dealing with a lot of guilt for what behaviors I keep that lead to abusive relationships.
I recently read through an article that outlines warning signs of abusive relationships and I freaked out when I felt like I had perpetuated most of the things on the list. It was horrible to look in the mirror and I struggle to find any love for myself right now. I also made the mistake of calling out my suicidality and then turning off my phone which resulted in a call to the police and a welfare check at my home. I have been struggling to sleep and I cry tirelessly in the mornings when I wake up and in the evenings before falling asleep. I am not alone, now that my roommate is back home, and I have filled my evenings with seeing friends and putting myself into social engagements that I can commit to, if only for an hour.
I have a lot of emotional intelligence, desire to learn and adapt, and strength to confront my faults. It just sucks feeling alone in the world. It sucks feeling like I am unlovable and that no one would ever be willing to work with me and my mental health issues. It sucks to be so overruled with fear and body stress that I feel unsafe no matter where I am, both in my waking life and in my dreams. It sucks to have a family that doesn't understand, and even more worse, that perpetuates the abuse that they created. It sucks to have friends with happy lives who don't understand and cannot devote time to lending a hand or a shoulder or a simple text message. It sucks to have lovers who see me at my worse and cannot separate me from my behaviors nor can they separate my behaviors from their own insecurities. It sucks to hurt people while I am hurt and ultimately end up battling the worst of PTSD completely alone, in my own head.
I am a giver, and I am quickly finding that my time here may be spent lending my skills and encouragements and growth to others in an attempt to see my own strength and celebrate my achievements. With that said, I hope that I can take a step back from my caregiver role to open up my heart to being cared for by those who understand the struggle of PTSD and have made a conscious effort to be involved in the healing process for others.
Thank you for reading and I hope you know how just how fabulous you look today.
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