Ptsd Is Ruining My Relationship With Everyone

[Deleted member 29311]

I've screwed up so badly today and I'm completely in the wrong this time, I'm taking responsibility for my actions.

I had another really bad ''freak out'' (I get them about once every 1 or 2 months) and my girlfriend happened to be the one who was there when it happened.

As a side note, my parents had invited me over for dinner tonight, more on this in a second..

So the past few days my mood and outlook on people and life in general has been plummeting extremely quickly once again and I could tell I was going to have another meltdown (freak out) soon. Last night I told my girlfriend I wanted to go on a date with her again just the two of us to get away from distractions and she suggested tonight.

Anyway I planned to go to a museum downtown, which was a huge mistake. I don't mix well with crowds and downtown so by the time I got there, I couldn't find parking and for some reason I snapped and started swearing at everything and going off on huge, negative, hateful rants. With my clouded judgement and stupid emotions taking over, I ended up saying a lot of messed up things to my girlfriend which I later apologized for, since I'm not trying to direct my anger towards her but towards everyone in general, I have a bad problem with resentment and also denial about my problems and behavior.

I said ''f*** the museum let's go back I knew this was a mistake'' and drove back home where we hung out for a bit then decided to go to her place to make dinner together. Like I said, my mood has been extremely bad and unstable lately and today I lost my mind when we were making dinner, I swore at her again and stormed out saying I'm done with everyone and I don't want to see, talk or interact with anyone I'm tired of people.

Now of course I don't mean this but my anger's extremely high today, I'm unstable and unpredictable. My dad sent me a sarcastic txt about me not going to dinner to which I replied ''f*** you'' as he caught me in the worst moment possible.

I'm such a screw up and I'm hurting all of the people who love me I'm such a failure and I don't deserve love or even friends. I'm being honest I don't want anyone to tell me it's not my fault or I'm not a failure because right now I really am, I've screwed up too many times and ruined my whole life.

 

[Deleted member 29311]

I take out my anger and problems on those who love me, I'm emotionally abusive, I'm not any better then the people who hurt me I'm a piece of crap I hate myself so much it's not even funny, honestly I'm a complete screw up I don't want to do this any more man I'd rather drown myself out in drugs or commit suicide because I hate who I am as a person and I don't fit in with this world.

Now my dad told me not to talk to him any more and that I wasted my last chance with him, I know he's being serious too.

 

[GrayOwl]

Hey bro. You can cuss me out if you want.
As far as friends and family, do you want to get rid of them?
I am not trying to be difficult or an ahole with that question. Yes, or no?
Sorry about your Dad. That's not permanent. Nothing is. He'll be back.
And you can mellow.
I never thought I would.

 

[Deleted member 29311]

I'm a ticking time bomb and it's just a matter of time before I lose it and commit suicide.

 

[GrayOwl]

Something is probably bugging you.
That's when I act out badly.
I'm learning to try to figure out what's going on upstairs rather than f bomb my family and friends, which I used to do often.

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Hey bro. You can cuss me out if you want.
As far as friends and family, do you want to get rid of them...

I don't want to cuss anyone out.. I hate who I am man I'm being serious I'm such a bad person it's not even funny. Every day I walk around with so much rage and resentment, every day I say I hate people and I hate everyone but deep down it's not true I hate myself and I hate my life. I'm constantly in denial although I've been destroying my life, it's falling apart I barely have any friends any more, my family wants nothing to do with me, my girlfriend says we lost our connection because of my problems, I can't hold down a job, I'm broke, etc.

I'm not trying to get rid of my family.. I love them with all my heart unfortunately I have a really bad mental problem I'll be honest I don't know if it's just PTSD because I'm insane, the way I speak about everything and my outlook on everything, my anger, is so screwed up and so far from reality, I'm having a bad meltdown right now and I don't know where to go or who to talk to which is why I'm ranting here.. I know this sounds intense and people must think I'm really screwed up in the head which I am I know..

 

[GrayOwl]

Job, finances, PTSD, relationships, somethin. All the above? Other stuff?
As I got older I mellowed. Part of getting older. Thank God I gave myself the chance o get old and mellow a little. With that and a few of the things I've learned I actually enjoy a few days and hours now and then. And I don't drop the emotional holocausts on those close to me anymore. Thank God. I used to make sure no-one survived.

 

[Nevermore]

Hey @CMan
I just wanted to say I understand and can relate. This happens to me too - like a tide swelling full of toxic feelings and hateful words. Luckily or unluckily I'm alone and when this happens I isolate. And I drink.
I'm in a swell right now so I'm grateful for your honesty in posting, don't feel so alone.
The difference between you and the people that hurt you is that you're aware, you have no desire to hurt another.
I don't get this very often any more so I know it improves.
But yes PTSD (or cptsd in my case) has ruined a lot of my relationships - either in the anger coming out or in the absences when I choose to isolate rather than endanger others by my company.
I don't know what the answer is!
You're not alone! Hang in there

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Job, finances, PTSD, relationships, somethin. All the above? Other stuff?
As I got older I mellowed....

Really?.. I'm being serious I've treated people who love me like crap unfortunately because my perspective and connection with reality is so skewed. I wish I could go back in time and change it all but I can't, it's permanent damage although fortunately some are still sticking around and aren't giving up on me..

Btw I'm definitely starting medication now because I think life has been throwing enough hints and stuff at me and I've been destroying my life to the point where I have no choice, I won't last if I don't take medication starting tonight. I'm starting meds for the first time in an hour and I'll see how it goes.

 

[GrayOwl]

Exactly. You care about your family, girlfriend, yourself. Don't deny it. It shows.
I saw Nevermore's posting. Exactly to that too. It comes in waves. Get past this anger, and catch a more positive wave. They come.
I asked you that question because to me - I can see damn well you don't want to get rid of them. Sorry I was blunt. And I truly hope I didn't offend.
I've had great conversations with you in the past - there is a great person in CMan. Try to take a chill pill and let this happen. One hour or one minute at a time. That's all you have to do. There's a LOT of other people on this site that believe in you.

 

[scout86]

Sorry you're in that spot! Been there. Not fun. Getting this stuff sorted out is a work in progress, for sure. No matter how hard you try or how much you want to, seems like it's not possible to get it right all the time.

Something my T once said that might apply to you is "We need to get you more stopping off points between 'everything is fine' and 'the end of the world is here!'."

Meanwhile, don't get too carried away beating yourself up. Get busy making amends and coming up with a plan to do better going forward. It sounds like you have people in your life who care about you. That's worth fighting for.

 

[Deleted member 29311]

Exactly. You care about your family, girlfriend, yourself. Don't deny it. It shows.
I saw Nevermore...

GrayOwl you're one of the most respectful people I've ever spoken to online or in person haha you haven't offended me : )

And honestly thank you for your kind words and support.. you have no idea how much it means to me, I really want to stop thinking so negatively about the world it's really been awful and I know I don't believe in that, I know there's so many good people out there like you and others on this site, as well as people I meet in person. My mental problems have destroyed my perception of reality and I need to stay focused, take medication and get help, I don't want to be a hateful person or have these massive angry freak outs..

It breaks my heart once my emotions subside and I look at what happened.