Lauren Rose
Bronze Member
It's been ramping up again over the past few months. It's time to move on to the next stage of my healing but I am TERRIFIED! Miserable afraid of breaking under the weight and strain of "too big" emotions. I know this is absurd as I have mechanisms in place to keep myself safe - and sane. So here I am picking up where I left off so many years ago on this forum. In my dark dark times I spent many hours, days in here being comforted and normalized (thank you so much) and now I am feeling the need to reconnect, reground because dark times are coming. I am being dragged kicking and screaming into more trauma work but I am also exceptionally grateful because I know the freedom and lightness of coming out the other side. I will know a greater contentment. I just need to survive the storm. I am riding out these hard emotions by creating a "breathing" space in my bedroom. This is what I wrote on Instagram/Facebook. Pasting because I said it well. My heart's desire is to be a light of hope for those in the blinding darkness of PTSD ... that there is light at the end of that tunnel and low and behold .. it's NOT the headlamp of the on coming train! This time.
“Sometimes I can’t find my breath when I am inside a PTSD low. So I am managing it by creating a breathing space to help sooth my bruised emotions. PTSD low: when a life threatening trauma(s) from my past feels like it’s happening again and no amount of intellectual conversation can convince my fight or flight response. Only time” --Lauren ?.
PTSD sucks. I remind myself that it’s going to be okay. It just is. And like many other conditions, it is an invisible disorder masquerading in a plethora of varying degrees of damaging behaviours that can be almost impossible to pinpoint. Thankfully the trauma treatment I have received has equipped me to identify what is actually going on and over the years through trial and error, I have mechanisms in place to keep myself safe - and sane - while I wait for time to do its thing and ride it out.
When I hit a low, first thing that usually happens is that current of anxious energy within me ramps up. Then I start to have difficulty keep an even breath. My body always cues me that something is happening long before my intellect kicks in. I have learned to not have to be in the know about what is happening, but simply begin the process of taking care of the symptoms as they present.
There is so much freedom and relief in knowing that I may or may not ever know what brings on a PTSD episode. Something I saw? I smelled? I heard? A series of events that caused me to doubt my position in humanity? Something I picked up from someone else? A dream? And on and on and on.
I have learned that a really good way of not becoming incapacitated is to do something tangible. My bedroom has no direct sunlight so I decided to create a succulent garden on top of my dresser. I found a 2 foot grow lamp and an amazing wrought iron stand for little cactus planters. I put my wee fountain and the various "thinking" statuettes. It is something I can take my time and allow my creative expression room to ... breathe. Smile.
“Sometimes I can’t find my breath when I am inside a PTSD low. So I am managing it by creating a breathing space to help sooth my bruised emotions. PTSD low: when a life threatening trauma(s) from my past feels like it’s happening again and no amount of intellectual conversation can convince my fight or flight response. Only time” --Lauren ?.
PTSD sucks. I remind myself that it’s going to be okay. It just is. And like many other conditions, it is an invisible disorder masquerading in a plethora of varying degrees of damaging behaviours that can be almost impossible to pinpoint. Thankfully the trauma treatment I have received has equipped me to identify what is actually going on and over the years through trial and error, I have mechanisms in place to keep myself safe - and sane - while I wait for time to do its thing and ride it out.
When I hit a low, first thing that usually happens is that current of anxious energy within me ramps up. Then I start to have difficulty keep an even breath. My body always cues me that something is happening long before my intellect kicks in. I have learned to not have to be in the know about what is happening, but simply begin the process of taking care of the symptoms as they present.
There is so much freedom and relief in knowing that I may or may not ever know what brings on a PTSD episode. Something I saw? I smelled? I heard? A series of events that caused me to doubt my position in humanity? Something I picked up from someone else? A dream? And on and on and on.
I have learned that a really good way of not becoming incapacitated is to do something tangible. My bedroom has no direct sunlight so I decided to create a succulent garden on top of my dresser. I found a 2 foot grow lamp and an amazing wrought iron stand for little cactus planters. I put my wee fountain and the various "thinking" statuettes. It is something I can take my time and allow my creative expression room to ... breathe. Smile.
