Sufferer Ptsd, My Friend, And Babbling Thru An Anxiety Attack

[Wen]

Hi Everyone! I'm new here and have spent the last few days reading other people's posts and researching everything I can. I was diagnosed with Chronic PTSD a few weeks ago tho I know it's been with me for a few years, and it's actually due to several trauma's I experienced over many years. One set of traumas stem from getting into 4 major car accidents in a span of 10 months (4 yrs ago) and non of them were my fault. I also had abusive relationships in the past and those issues are rearing their ugly heads. Right now I feel like I'm drowning in overloaded emotions and want to crawl out of my skin. There's so much more I can go on but I'm trying to focus on one thing right now and that's my friend.

I try to explain to my friend what I'm going thru, what I feel. He even went online and looked up PTSD to try and be more supportive and helpful. I had told him I have memory issues after a hard session with my counselor, and I know it's my head trying to hide it to protect myself. (My memory really sucks while I'm in the throws of an anxiety attack too). Well this morning what I got was "I read on a lot of sites and you should record your sessions and play them back. You will listen to them but not feel it's you so you wont get upset and it will remind you of what you talked about". I have no idea where he found that info, but just hearing that made me cringe and tell him no way. I will not do that and feel if I do it will make me feel worse hearing everything again. He, of course argued with me because so many sites said this. Funny, not the ones I read. I don't know, forgive me, I'm babbling. I just know typing this is sparking my anxieties. He claims I'm making great progress cause he hears it in my voice when we talk. Mind you I barely talk to him, he does all the talking. I try to tell him what I go thru and I don't feel progress. He says it's because I'm looking at myself and if I could see me like he does then I would know I'm making progress. It's like he believes he knows me better then I do.

I'm sorry I'm babbling again, which I do when I start spiraling. So many people tell me to "get a grip", "just think happy thoughts", "don't worry, you'll be ok", etc and it makes me feel worse. And then I deal with a friend who feels he can help but it doesn't... I just feel lost. I feel like he and many others don't understand unless they have PTSD or my counselor. I will mention my friend has Aspbergers which I know makes communication harder, and I should maybe back away but still, he's a friend. Is there a way I can help him understand and guide him so he can help me and not cause me further issues? He spiraled me last week telling me how a driver in front of him was going too slow so he "started riding her ass". 2 of my accidents were rear ends so this freaked me out and I told him to change the subject. He wouldn't thinking he could explain it better and make me feel better. It didn't.

As you can gather I really have a hard time talking about things in a logical manner. I'm shaking, filled with terror, want to runaway (tho I have not clue where), headache, want to throw up and hate these feelings I can't seem to stop. Soon I will start twitching which is so embarrassing. I have issues with my friend but in reality I can't stand having PTSD, I don't want it, and I just want to scream and find a pill that will make it go away. I understand it's a long hard road, but I've been on it for a few years, it's getting worse and I'm turning more and more to alcohol in order to cope. I guess I'm hoping someone understands what I'm trying to say because I actually don't. Is that normal for PTSD too ?

 

[ghotiff]

You will listen to them but not feel it's you so you wont get upset and it will remind you of what you talked about".

I have read about this, but I don't remember the source, could be a really poor source.

I don't believe that this theory would work for me either. Please continue to trust your gut on this one. While it might work for some, for others it could be really triggering.

 

[ghotiff]

Your quote:
He claims I'm making great progress cause he hears it in my voice when we talk. .... He says it's because I'm looking at myself and if I could see me like he does then I would know I'm making progress. It's like he believes he knows me better then I do.

I have had people do this to me too and I believe they intended it to be supportive. I don't think it's helpful. Most of my issues are not visible, so there is no way for someone outside of me (other than maybe a professional) to accurately judge.

I think you might be wanting a type if support from him that he could never give you (he is not qualified in PTSD).

 

[InsideAWord]

Many people may categorize certain personality traits that they view as negative under the category "symptoms of PTSD," or they just notice that their personality has done a 180 since their trauma. But, don't worry, I understand what you're saying when you say, "I hope someone understands what I'm saying because I really don't." Whether that's due to similar personality traits or PTSD, I couldn't tell you.

So, you're obviously bothered by your friend's efforts to provide you support and help. But, based on what you've said, he sometimes will overstep his boundaries and insist that what he's mentioned will help you. So, what you're experiencing may be an issue with him smothering you. A boundary issue.

I personally think it's great that your friend is making an effort to show you how much he cares about you by gaining more understanding about the shit-storm that is PTSD. But, he will never understand what PTSD does to a person. So, his intentions are there but the follow-through is lost on him. Plus, he has Aspbergers, which also means that social cues and empathy is can be difficult for him.

I would just tell him "listen, dude. I would love it if you would just listen to me when I need to be heard, be there when I just don't want to be alone, and give me my space when I need it. But, don't instruct me on how to deal with my therapy because I have to do that if I want to get better."

I work with students and many of them are on the Autism spectrum. Sometimes you have to spell things out like that for them because they won't pick up on that.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Justmehere]

Hello and welcome to the forums!

PTSD can be a really confusing and horrible experience. First there is the battle to survive the trauma itself, then to survive and heal

I agree with others. It would be good to have a conversation with him and clearly tell him what will help. You can tell him that having someone to listen is helpful, but that you don't want advice or suggestions, unless you specifically ask for them. If he can't respect that boundary then you may need to take some space from him, but I would first try communicating some really clear boundaries with him. It does sound like his response to you is really about his own insecurities or perhaps his lack of picking up on social cues due to his Asperger's.

With or without Aspergers, many people have a really hard time knowing someone they really care about is in pain, and feel compelled to try and fix it - but it's really about them and their inability to manage their own pain and stuff in their own life. It takes time to find the people who know how to sit with someone in pain and not rush in with solutions.

I think it was really smart of you to tell him to change the subject when he was talking about the car accident. Keep doing more of that when he brings up a topic that you are being triggered by. You may have to do it quite a bit at first, but it will get easier over time.

People have told me things like "get a grip" and "stop psyching yourself out" and "be positive"... if it was that simple, and that's all it took, then I would be totally healed by now! And I would stop paying so much for therapy... I'm so sorry you hear that a lot too.

PTSD is a horrible awful thing to experience and suffer from. Self medicating the pain with alcohol is actually probably making your symptoms worse over time. I'm glad you are in treatment and I hope you keep up the hard but good work you are doing to get better!

 

[intothelight]

Hi Wen,

Welcome to the forum!

There is a huge sense of loneliness with PTSD, especially when the best that most people can offer are the platitudes you described. That is also why this forum is such a huge help, because a member can interact with people that really understand.

Your friend is trying to help, but maybe his own issues make it difficult. There are times where a friend just needs to remain a friend and really can;t be a support person. I hope you find some of the support you need here.

Debbie

 

[Wen]

I want to thank you all for listening, responding and most importantly, understanding. This is the first time that I feel others really understand and I'm filled with a small amount of relief this morning - thank you!

You are right that I need to be straight forward with my friend and will have to do that several times as he doesn't get social cues well (tho he would argue that). Since he's realized he has Aspbergers and learned more about it, he has seen it as a positive and believes it gives him advantage above everyone else. He sees things in patterns thus he feels he sees things the correct way so all of his "opinions" are actual facts and he's right about what he feels. This has lead to many arguments between him and I. (Example: "You can think life is in shades of gray but the reality is everything is black and white"). The rest of that conversation didn't go well.

I have so much going on in my life and so many daily emotions, fears, confusions and anger I'm dealing with that I really need to not focus so much on how my friend effects me. I guess I do it because he is someone who really wants to help me and I appreciate that. So many others don't want to try and understand so I hide it from most everyone. Not easy when I react to things while we're driving around and triggers are very common occurrences then. If only there was a "chill pill" that everyone tells me I need to take.

I know I've been battling PTSD now for a few years tho I wasn't aware that was this issue. I thought so many things were wrong with me. Being diagnosed helped with the mystery, yet knowing what's wrong, researching everything I can on it just scared me more. It's like I've been sailing thru a bad storm and just recently learning it's really a level 5 hurricane. I keep screaming "Get me outa hear! Make it stop!" but it doesn't change. My counselor is teaching me ways to cope but this is still all new and I'm terrified.

I am going to focus on the positives tho and try to grab those when I can. Even right now while typing this, having the knowledge that people reading this will actually understand makes me feel better.... less alone and more understood. Today I am truly thankful for this website, forum and everyone who commented.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Welcome to this safe place to be yourself and to get understanding and information and support.

Unless someone has been through it they will not understand since you have no outward scars and all of your are on the inside.

Keep on working through, there is hope and healing, I do not know how long it will take you.

You did not get this way overnight and you will not heal overnight. It takes a lot of hard work on changing yourself and getting rid of your illusions and false beliefs.

I wish you the best on your healing and recovery.