Ptsd "not All Wounds Are Visible" What Are Yours?

[Heather]

My wounds are:

Sexually abused by my dad when I was 11 years old.

My cousin shoved his hands down my pants when I was 13 y/o.

Drunken incident with a guy in college went to far, leaving me feeling violated and dirty.

Brother-in-law sexually assaulted me 7 years ago.

Mother was emotionally and verbally abusive which was very damaging to self-esteem.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

1) I was neglected and depressed as a child.
2) I had no friends and I used to be bullied in school
3) I lost my first ever real best friend when I was 13. She died of cancer.
4) The child sexual grooming started. I was 'dating' a man in his 30's at 15.
5) The child sexual abused started and went on for years. With me 'dating' men much older then me while I was a minor. I saw this as okay because I was groomed and trained for sex.
6) I was show myself to groups of men at 15 or 16.
7) Was finally given help. I started the first few session by tiring to explain my parents and step parents. After a few times I was told that there was other people she needed to help with more serious problems. We never got to the depression, no friends, the bulling or the sexual abuse. I see this as my fault. I should have started with that.
8) More men. More abuse. 30 something man tired to get me to marry him. He was already married with kids.
9) Got in relationship with someone my age. He started with being very controlling.
10) Boyfriend started raping me.
11) He raped me a lot
12) Got pregnant.
13) Raped prom night. Someone the hotel heard me screaming. Probably thought it was the TV. Boyfriend started tiring to kill me and then stopped.
14) Lost baby a few days later.
15) Left mother's house at 18 while still in high school. Raped more often.
16) He started using knifes to hold me down while raping me
17) Moved in apartment with boyfriend
18) Boyfriend would rarely leave me by myself
19) Left boyfriend.
20) Moved back in with mother
21) Got job and car within 1 month after boyfriend. Knew I needed help but unsure how to ask
22) depressed and drinking.
23) Saw a therapist but could not afford to go see him. Never told therapist about the drinking, sex, sex for money, suicidal thoughts.
24) mother tiring to kick me out.
25) fighting at home all the time. No safe place.
24) Wanted to go to hospital but afraid of the bill my parents would make me pay. Afraid the hospital would send me away
25) started thinking of ways to kill myself
26) out of control. driving around at night to find somewhere to kill myself
27) had sex for money and food. Could not afford car. No longer going to therapy.

Probably missing stuff.

 

[StarChild]

When I was in my thirties I had to visit a chiropractor, for breathing was hurting me more from day to day. He examined me and made an X-ray. Then he asked me with astonishment "I can see scars of fracture on two of your vertebra's of your thoracic spine and another one on the rib next to one of them. And one muscle right under your shoulder blade is totally degenerated. Did you have a badly accident in your early childhood?" I didn't answer him. Just was so ashamed...

No, I had no accident... It was my "loving" mother's fist who has done that to me. Yes, she always has beaten my on my back in her rage, and always with her mighty fist. Like a hammer steady, powerful and gruesome. When I finally was unconscious I was thrown into the cat's toilet. I was about 2 years old when she started to beat my on my back.

It's just one of my scars. And right now I can't go on writing more. I start to tremble badly and have to fight against nausea. But I always hear that terrible sound of my back. As if one would beat on a pumpkin...

 

[safenow]

For me, that sound is like a watermelon being cracked open. (((( SweetLullaby ))), if you allow me to. (((( Ayesha )))) (((( Heather ))) (((( everyone who posted on this thread, or who will post here )))) , I hope you all will allow me the honor of hugging you in a safe, caring way. Think of me as an aunt or grandma who loves you all and wishes I could have been there to protect you.

I have external scars and internal scars. The x-rays of my body showed the damage that had been done before I was six years old. Now, there are more scars on top of those scars. I think the mental damage done was worse than the physical. They are harder to live with.

 

[winterose]

I have way too many things to put here. Sexual abuse, physical, emotional.

 

[intothelight]

There are too many traumas to list, but the greatest wound of all was not to be loved by the people in my life that should have loved me the most. It is in knowing that I was everything, an excuse, scapegoat, something to control, something to take anger out on, something to use, etc., except a loved daughter and wife that created the worst of the pain.

To be hurt by circumstances in life, inadvertently hurt by those that love you, or even hurt in someone's moment of anger or other negative emotional state, does not cause the degree of pain for me as knowing that I did not matter to some other than a means to their end.

There is no single pinnacle moment in regard to the trauma, it was years and years, and multiple traumas. Some way along the way it left a big hole in me where I viewed myself not worthy, afraid to trust, closed off, angry, and at all times fearful. Its taking a long time for that hole in my soul to heal. I am not what they thought I was, nor at times what I thought I was. I am worthy of love, kindness, respect, honesty, compassion, and all the good things of this world.

I am finally learning to treat myself this way and to expect or accept no less from others.

 

[Pencil]

This is an interesting thread, almost like a micro-version of trauma diaries.

But even the micro-version is too much for me. But yes, not all wounds are visible, and the invisible ones are the most damaging, also because the abuse itself was invisible - hidden behind closed doors.

 

[p-no]

I could "like" only one post in this thread but would like to let you know that I read all of them.

I identify a lot with yours, intothelight.

Peace.

 

[Pencil]

I am unsure what the official stance is regarding 'complex trauma' - whether it now 'exists' or 'doesn't exist' based on its inclusion / exclusion into/from the DSM 5. But the argument that it doesn't exist, as it is not an official diagnosis, is a little like the medieval worldview that Europe was just about the center of the universe as it was the sum total of the earth. Just because the other continents had not been discovered, it does not mean that they did not exist at the time. The territory had simply not been mapped.

But this is not the main point I want to make. The main point (clears throat), is that we are all still stuck with one 'diagnosis', namely PTSD, while many of us don't have PTSD. I know I don't. I wish the experts can sort the theory out so that we can start holding our breath for DSM 6 to include a separate diagnosis for complex trauma/early relational trauma/developmental trauma disorder. You see, my racial classification, or diagnosis, is that of European / PTSD, whereas in reality I'm Cherokee, or Pygmy, or Relationally Disordered (surely I can invent my own terms to refer to something that exists, but has not been named yet) and would really like to start existing alongside the British, Dutch, Italians, etc.

And now the main point (double clearing of throat) is - that in complex trauma or developmental trauma disorder, the wounds are, by definition, invisible, outside of conscious awareness - very much like the water the fish is unaware of. It can't be treated by EMDR, for example. But where conditions exist for early relational trauma / DTD, the chances are that traumatic incidents that will or could lead to PTSD will also take place. Double whammy for some people.

This seemingly random commentary was 'inspired' by the title of this thread; thinking about my own history, I realise that the 'ptsd bits' are easy to point out, while the 'complex trauma/relational' bits are too vague, the most important events took place before I was two and the impact is too diffuse, as well as pervasive, to present in a neat package.

I'm probably not expressing myself clearly, but I can see many people, especially in this thread, referring to the two distinct types of injury, and noting that the 'complex' type is experienced as more problematic.

 

[NarcSis]

PTSD cause - traumatic obstetrics call during course of work as a paramedic.

Things that have come up as "traumatic" exposures but non-PTSD inducing at the time (now anxiety inducing):
- 12 years of paramedic work, specifically; suicide by train, 2 'struck by train' survivors, woman killed in car accident, 4 yr old child killed in car accident, 2 year old choking death, 14 year old hanging, 17/18 yr old fire victims, 2 traumatic deliveries, 8 yr old struck by car, 17 yr old seizure died, 48 year old witnessed cardiac arrest, (the list could go on and on, these are just the most anxiety inducing)

- personal "trauma"; resuscitation of mother, death of brother in car accident, death of 10 yr old student to suicide, death of 8 cousins to suicide, death of cousin to car accident, exposure to at least 5 stranger deaths growing up (public hanging/public asphyxiation,car accident scenes), witness to death of 2 year old struck by car, passenger in 3 serious car crashes and driver in two.

This list is by no means exhaustive, it's simply what I can remember right now. I would like to point out though that none of these occurrences bothered me until AFTER I developed PTSD.

 

[Me Myself and I]

If you all allow me I'd like to send warm hugs to all of you!

May each one of you overcome your traumas, and be able to reach health, happiness and above them all peace with self and the world!

We shall become stronger persons I'm sure.

 

[shoulderblades]

Gang molested when I was 3½ years-old, my gut feeling is repeatedly through to about 4, maybe 4½ years-old. Sexually molested by a fellow classmate in the classroom when I was about 8 (if the teacher knew it was going on, she did nothing to stop it). Mum had borderline personality disorder and a bunch of extreme anxiety problems; had to deal with her having severe eating disorders, a constant string of bad and abusive relationships, her unpredictable mood, being shouted at or spanked hard for utterly benign things when she was in a good mood just a few minutes earlier, her alcoholism, her drug addictions, having to cook my own meals as young as 5 years-old because she was often passed out from taking cocktails of prescription and OTC drugs with alcohol, watching her have drug-and-alcohol induced seizures and not knowing what to do or what was wrong.

Abusive grandparents, who verbally and emotionally assaulted and abused me throughout my teenhood. Was sexually molested by a doctor when I was 13. Became a full-time carer for Mum when I was 14 after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer; was constantly emotionally and verbally abused by my grandparents and family, Mum's illness blamed on me, was repeatedly told that I made her sicker, that it would be my fault if she died (which she did). Had first mental breakdown not long after Mum died. Got caught up in a fundamental Christian church, was emotionally abused by church members. Got pregnant, had a traumatic pregnancy and birth, was put in a psych ward for six months. Battled with severe depression, anxiety, anger issues, self-harm, was in an abusive marriage.

Had another mental breakdown. Witnessed a horrific motorcycle accident that happened right in front of me, shook me up for weeks (I'm still affected by it years on). Began drinking pretty excessively, having reckless sex, 'survival' sex, was spinning out of control towards a third mental breakdown. Was raped twice in a space of three weeks by two different men, which I've only begun to acknowledge was rape. Ended up in another severely emotionally abusive relationship, which basically broke me. Thankfully am now in a very loving relationship; my girlfriend is the one who's helped me come to address and acknowledge all the trauma I've been through and this is the first time I've really started talking about all of this. Phew.