I'm in this same boat. He admitted to me a couple of weeks ago that I needed to hide the Xbox remote because he used it as a way to block everything out. If he's not on the Xbox, he is on his phone, if he is not on his phone he's checking the tablet to see if his farm or whatever it is "that stupid ass game" is in need of his checking.
I do not want to take the spotlight away from you, but I'm also at a point where I'm trying very, very, hard not to loose own myself respect let alone maintaining the love that seems to know be but a distant facade of what I thought I knew.
My EX-Fiancé downgraded to boyfriend, and sometimes now my roommate, also lover "on a good day" friend was diagnosed "officially" on 12/30/16. Long story short he was a truck driver, got ran off the road and woke up in a ditch. Which took him to that dark Iraq war days where the paramedics had to calm what seemed like a suicidal vet thinking and refusing to accept that he had "lost his limbs" and didn't want to live to a couple of days later callIng me to tell me he was in the VA Psych Ward, and would not be able to pay the last of the bills we still had in his name from our engagement and just thought I should know. WAIT...,WHAT????
I being the responsible caretaker that I am immediately flipped out and an ocean of emotions flooded my entire being. We had been apart from the beginning of sept until this call. Only 3 months, I know... but he has always had a very mean streak and gets very vindictive when we would go thru these "breaks" I chopped our fights, and time away up to him being a truck driver and never having to face me and say the cold mean things to my face as his way of coping with our breakup.
I lived some of my own sad days those 2 weeks that the VA kept him after his accident. Crying myself to sleep, questioning his behaviors over these past 3 years and wondering if this was a sign from God that we would be ok, and that he needed me now more than ever, or would I find myself regretting the decision to move him back in???
Well, I just couldn't bring myself to let him go. I have been determined to help him when he's down and not turn my shoulder despite the issues we've had. I am very independent, with a stable career, 2 amazing children who adore him and not to mention I love the hell out of this man that treats me like a doormat! So here I am, now 2 months into this PTSD diagnosed discovery situation and I feel like I let a damn stranger into my home. A very lazy, isolated (from me) stranger to be exact.
Ok so, with all that said I did something tonight that I am really hoping I will not regret in the morning... I took his laptop, cellphone, smart watch, farm growing stupid tablet, his keys to his car, oh... and his wallet. WHY? Because he has "female -friends" not in a sexual sense because did I mention he is a hermit?! Ugh....
Anyways after asking him regularly if he's still spending hours listening to a trucker woman friend of his, bad mouthing, and treating "us" like we've never been serious and hiding his friendship with her from me ( hence he is my EX fiancé) and being told no, after no, after no that he's not doing that anymore. I checked his phone today while he was in the shower. I was shocked it wasn't locked!!! And low and behold they've been chatting it up again!
Here is the problem... he's using me, not working, not bringing any money to the table AT ALL. He acts like he's too tired or can't remember what his meetings are about, he claims to not know any of his triggers, except that I am one! Anytime I ask him why he feels it is ok to disrespect me or why I should keep allowing it he turns into a cold cruel I know you are but what am I bully. He was once the man I looked at that I swear radiated with love for me.
I am also blocked from his social media accounts, and he now has passwords on all devices... which was both deal breakers for us when we committed to becoming a couple in the beginning.
It's not just this... I asked him the other day why could he not take 2 mins out of his game playing, you tube day to make the bed? He got annoyed. Then I said why do you think I'd like the bed made? He's paced, and hugged, and and said why? I then reminded him that I was the one that used to not make the bed, and he used to get on to me about not making it. This is where I struggle the most. Things we built a relationship on that had formed our foundation are no longer requirements to him.
I don't know about anyone else but he also comes to me usually when he next early afternoon, very calmly and "normal" and will tell me that I'm right, and that he's going to do better, or will say hay I just made the bed! Etc.. yet, now he's back to the unworthy, despair, distructive behavior day in and day out that PTSD loves to bathe in, and I'm simply exhausted and feeling very foolish. Especially, after seeing the way he talks about me so negatively behind my back. Usually, he's fabricated this persona to this friend or on his FB page that isn't actually accurate so even though it hurts like hell, I know the truth.
So, YES tonight I put my foot down and told him tomorrow he doesn't get to fill his day up with destructive distractions, and he no longer gets to use or disrespect me. He is not violent, and has never been so I'm not scared of anything like that. If he leaves or I kick him out he only has the VA to go back to, and I hate that too because they will dope him up and he will be back to square 1. Too high to care!
Do I let go? I mean he's sharing his trauma with his friend. Shutting me out. Tells me he doesn't need my help, and isn't going to tell me anything because then I can use it to hold over him. I've tried explaining to him that his way of thinking tells me he doesn't see us together long if he thinks I'm gaining anything to hold over his head! I'm trying to keep him from completely shattering what's left of our foundation, trying to be the one person who is always here for him, and wanting nothing more than for him to learn to get a handle on what his life is now!
I'm feel like it's one thing to say it's the PTSD, and another to not try to stop making poor decisions. I want him to succeed and find inner peace some day, but if he does will I have given my own away at the expense of his? That I'm afraid is something I can't allow! The thought of him trying to control his life right now, and kicking him out feels impossible. He's sick, and even though it's an invisible illness so to speak I can't help but feel protective of his well being, even if he doesn't think he needs me.
I'm tired, and venting, but if anyone wants to chime in I'm more than happy to hear your comments. If you read this and can relate then well I guess we aren't dealing with sufferers alone, despite how they make us feel.
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