Ptsd Rage

[Ruth]

My boyfriend (Adam) and his sixteen year old daughter moved in with me about three months ago. They are aware of my PTSD and are very supportive. My last relationship ended very poorly because of uncontrolled PTSD symptoms which resulted in me hitting him in front of his kids. Adam met me shortly after I began treatment for PTSD and has never seen me in a rage (although he has experienced some of my other PTSD symptoms in all their glory.) Today I raged. I'm not sure what set me off. I had a tough day and I was hungry when I got home. I was making lunch and Adam was trying to talk to me while I cooked. I snapped at him and told him to stay out of the kitchen. He then stood outside the kitchen and continued to talk about his day. I don't really recall what was said but I felt my blood boil and got that all too familiar cool feeling on my forehead. It took every ounce of self awareness that I had to ask him to leave. Thankfully he did. I was shaking and so very angry. I ate quickly and left. My heart was pounding and my adrenaline was pumping.

I feel like I have zero control when I rage. I went to a park and watched the birds and tried to write in my journal. All I could think was how angry I was. After 45 minutes or so I went back home. I get so tired after I rage that I can barely function. Both Adam and his daughter (Paige) were home when I got there. I was touched by their thoughtfulness the lights were dimmed, the blinds drawn and they were both quietly reading. I took a shower and laid down. Several hours later Paige woke me and asked if I could give her a ride. Adam had already left for work. So that's my story.

Here's my problem: Adam feels like he did something wrong. He is at work for several more hours but he has sent several texts saying he is sorry. I thought long and hard before responding and made sure to deflect blame from him and Paige. Assuring him that he did nothing wrong and that I am trying to get better. I've been very honest about how I can get violent and expressed my desire to change by going to treatment, support groups and taking medication. There is a small part of me that fears I will get violent in the home again. I don't fully understand why he is upset as our conversation was brief and there was no yelling or hurtful comments. I feel like Adam is walking on eggshells around me. He is a strong vibrant man; I don't understand how or why he is internalizing my illness. I fear he is becoming emotionally co-dependent. What do I do? My first instinct is just to leave. But I don't want to. I'm not good with emotions and I am not looking forward to talking with Adam tonight but I know it will hurt him more if I do not. I do not want to hurt him in any way, shape or form. All I can think to do is tell him that I love him, that he is not responsible for my behavior and that I am working on getting better. How do others deal with PTSD rage in the home?

 

[Kintsugi]

I don't have a ton of advice on rage at home though I have a lot of experience. Leaving to do something intentional, self-caring, and non-spiteful is the best remedy I have in my book, and it sounds like you did that.

It seems like Adam is being very compassionate, and perhaps in that compassion, he is crossing the line from trying to be supportive to feeling accountable. Maybe if you presented it as a matter of respect in which he respects that your issues are yours to own, and though they may affect him, you do not feel comfortable that he is feeling guilt/placing the blame on himself. That attitude won't be healthy for either of you, and if you put it into terms of respect, maybe he will not feel so put-off?

 

[Frankie Coffeecake]

Hi Ruth,
I think that taking a walk and taking the time to step away and relax was a great move on your part. (I love the journal.) Sometimes when you rage, you can only do one of two thing scream and lose it or calm yourself down and be alone. I feel like when I rage I also get very tired afterwards. What I have been doing is reading Waking the Tiger. Its a book about trauma. I feel like my finance doesn't understand, it's hard to understand PTSD when you aren't going through or haven't been through it. I have trouble falling asleep sometimes and I have him read it to me, not only because it puts me to sleep to feel safe in his arms and have him read to me :p but also because I feel like it helps him understand why I feel the way I do and how my brain is wired for the time being. Maybe you can do something like that to help him and his daughter understand what you are going through. It's always great to have more support and understanding, you can never have too much of that :)