Ptsd Related To This?

[Grace511]

Hi All,

I was diagnosed with PTSD this past Monday after some testing. My therapist asked me what traumatic thing happened in my childhood that could have caused my PTSD. I told her that witnessing domestic violence between my Mom and brother HOWEVER I think there is something else.....

I have never told anyone about this so please bare with me....

When I was 15 I was hanging out with a female friend of mine (I'm a female) and a guy she really like. He brought one of his friends and we all went to a parade in a local city of mine. The guy my friend liked started paying attention to me (He was 18 or 19 at the time). We ended up getting a REALLY CROWDED city bus to go to the parade and he put his hand up my shirt into my bra and started fondling me. At that very moment I wanted the ground to open up and just take me away. I was frozen with fear and panic and didn't know what to do because we were on a crowded bus and I was just scared to death. No one could tell what he was doing because I had a huge sweatshirt on that was 3 times too big for me. He stopped for a second and I crossed my arms over my chest so he couldn't do it again.

After 8 years, I am very uncomfortable around men who show me any kind of interest. For example if a guy asks me my name or asks me if I go out or just looks at me with interest I get really hot, sweaty and my face gets really flustered and red. My heart starts to beat really fast. I also have an issue with really crowded places.

Is this all because of this issue? I know what happened on the bus is my fault because I didn't scream stop but I was just frozen with fear.

I know I should talk about this with someone but I'm scared. I don't know what to even refer to this as...was it molestation, sexual abuse or just inappropriate touching?

 

[I Can Do This]

I think your "frozen" reaction shows that this was already your coping device from childhood. The touching was a traumatic event to you - and that shows up in how it triggered your childhood coping mechanism. You didn't know how to respond so you froze.

Each event that overwhelms you or feels traumatic will cause you to react as you did as a child - freeze. These later events do not cause your PTSD - but triggers it so you are dealing with your previous pain, and now your current pain on top of it. Whenever you freeze - you are bringing your past into the present and that is what PTSD is in its basic form.

Does this make sense to you?

 

[Grace511]

Does this mean I was previously inappropriately touched as a young child and may not remember it?

 

[mamachick]

Grace-I don't think it means that you were necessarily touched inappropriately when young and cant remember, but something caused you to freeze. My mom was alcoholic, depressed, rageaholic, but at times, could dress up good. I witnessed a lot of domestic violence early and was neglected. My T says that is cause of ptsd, although I have had very functional years, will never be same if these things did not happen.

I was about 12 or 13, on a crowded elevator with my mother in a professional building (men in suits), when someone stuck their hand up the back of my dress and I froze. I tried to understand this. I still don't really know why I froze, but suspect that since my family make these bad scenes and police came and this was traumatic for me, my response was to freeze rather than make a scene. I feel like I know exactly how you describe you felt. It was like nobody else was aware-the only reaction I knew was freeze or scream, nothing in between. This was not your fault. I also understand your reaction. I think the solution is in assertion, not an easy task, but it is achievable. To have that, I think the key is we do have to convince ourselves that we have rights. Not your fault.

 

[Grace511]

I also experienced domestic violence as a child. I mentioned this to my T and she said this is the cause of my PTSD. I haven't mentioned the inappropriate touching to her though...should I mention this? I want to work through this because I don't think its healthy that I cannot receive attention from males without getting so uncomfortable.....

 

[I Can Do This]

Yes, you should mention it to your T because anything that prevents you from having the life you want is a problem. But Grace, you have just been diagnosed and you are trying to understand PTSD. It is important to relax a little while you gather information. I think what you learn about PTSD - and how it relates to you specifically - will empower you. When you can see that different events in your life have "felt" the same in your body - you will be able to follow that feeling, like a thread, to the first time you felt that way.

For instance, just because the touching bothered you and you froze, does not mean that you had this happen to you in childhood. It means that when you are in a situation in which you feel powerless your response is to freeze - and that began in childhood. The situations throughout your adult life can be wildly different from your childhood and still cause you to feel exactly the same kind of powerlessness. Where you notice this happening is an area of your life that needs to be worked on so that you no longer feel powerless and can respond with different behavior.

 

[mamachick]

Well said I Can Do This.
I agree-talk to your T about it.