Relationship PTSD Relationship Breakdown

[HisWife22]

Surely PTSD wouldn't do that?

I was going to respond to this - but @Friday did it way more eloquently than I could have.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this pain. Your responses here show that "what did I do" instinct that I feel every damn time. It's like a rush of adrenaline, heat, through my body. Leading to the inevitable questioning of myself. It's like I have to talk myself down off the ledge and remind myself constantly that it's not me, it's him, it's the ptsd.

You are being incredibly brave and are doing the right thing. You have said what you feel and you are resisting the urge to reach out, you're sticking to your convictions.

What will you do if he does reach out again, have you thought that through?

 

[DentedCan 2.0]

Good morning,
I've just been through an incredibly challenging breakup. Me and my partner were together for 8 months. 7 of those months were incredible. We were long distance. Roughly 4 weeks ago, I noticed his texting declined and all form of effort was slowly dwindling. It was discussed several times but nothing improved. At this point I wasn't aware he has PTSD. As time slowly moved forward things got worse. I noticed he'd messaged an ex but avoided talking to me (probably to try and have normal conversation) as ours was getting heated frequently. I went down for his birthday, bought presents and surprised him with a cake. He told me I shouldn't have bothered and didn't really acknowledge me for the day. It killed me.
He told me he didn't want to hurt and bring me down but that it would be best to just move on whilst he sorts himself out. Trying to be the loving partner, I hung in there texting and calling to let him know I was by his side.
Then one day... Saturday just gone. He totally stop replying to me. He hasn't blocked me or deleted my number but he's just totally ignoring my messages. Feeling upset and frustrated I didn't know what to do. The whole thing has brought me down and I was questioning where I went wrong... maybe I triggered something? Maybe I pushed him away? It literally went from being so loving and happy to being told I have no feelings and don't know what I want. His words were 'I'm an empty shell'. Yet he never failed to make me believe how much he loved me before this started. Naturally I got frustrated at parts but I was fighting for him.
Fast forward a couple of days and decided I couldn't go on like this. I sent a lovely video message saying how much I loved him and that I didn't hate or blame him for his actions and that if he ever needed me I'd be there. It broke my heart but I tried to do it with a smile. Unfortunately I'm not sure if I'll ever hear again but regardless of how I'm feeling sending that video will hopefully pick him up and allow him to believe in himself. I would never block him but for my sanity I've deleted his number and have to try and move on. It's painful because it's the first time I've felt proper love. Although I maybe didn't always do the right thing and pushed, my intentions were always good. I really hope it is THE PTSD and not him. Any comments would really help. Best wishes.

I can relate to every word. For me it’s been 6 years and this last ghosting/break up has lasted 3.5 months. If I try to reach out it only drives him farther for longer.
I like you and many others wonder if this is the life I want for myself and I can tell you… it’s not. I’m still grieving…. The man I love (he’s him 40-50% of the time) and the future I thought I had with that part of him. I realized soon before we broke up what a long term relationship with him would look like and it wasn’t/isn’t my ideal. I sacrificed a lot of my needs and wants to be with hom, to stay, to hang in through the days, weeks or months he’d isolate and in return…. I get ghosted any time there’s stress.
He went from loving me one minute, crying and begging me to see him around “this corner” to dumping me the next and telling me we aren’t good together. He’s ghosted me for 3.5 months this time and quite honestly I’m tired of it. I want consistency, communication and commitment….. he can’t give any of it. It’s the most intense heartbreak I have ever felt in my life, the cycles of love bombing and gas lighting… it’s always been there… PTSD driven or not; that’s him.

 

[Livinginhope]

Good morning,
I've just been through an incredibly challenging breakup. Me and my partner were together for 8 months. 7 of those months were incredible. We were long distance. Roughly 4 weeks ago, I noticed his texting declined and all form of effort was slowly dwindling. It was discussed several times but nothing improved. At this point I wasn't aware he has PTSD. As time slowly moved forward things got worse. I noticed he'd messaged an ex but avoided talking to me (probably to try and have normal conversation) as ours was getting heated frequently. I went down for his birthday, bought presents and surprised him with a cake. He told me I shouldn't have bothered and didn't really acknowledge me for the day. It killed me.
He told me he didn't want to hurt and bring me down but that it would be best to just move on whilst he sorts himself out. Trying to be the loving partner, I hung in there texting and calling to let him know I was by his side.
Then one day... Saturday just gone. He totally stop replying to me. He hasn't blocked me or deleted my number but he's just totally ignoring my messages. Feeling upset and frustrated I didn't know what to do. The whole thing has brought me down and I was questioning where I went wrong... maybe I triggered something? Maybe I pushed him away? It literally went from being so loving and happy to being told I have no feelings and don't know what I want. His words were 'I'm an empty shell'. Yet he never failed to make me believe how much he loved me before this started. Naturally I got frustrated at parts but I was fighting for him.
Fast forward a couple of days and decided I couldn't go on like this. I sent a lovely video message saying how much I loved him and that I didn't hate or blame him for his actions and that if he ever needed me I'd be there. It broke my heart but I tried to do it with a smile. Unfortunately I'm not sure if I'll ever hear again but regardless of how I'm feeling sending that video will hopefully pick him up and allow him to believe in himself. I would never block him but for my sanity I've deleted his number and have to try and move on. It's painful because it's the first time I've felt proper love. Although I maybe didn't always do the right thing and pushed, my intentions were always good. I really hope it is THE PTSD and not him. Any comments would really help. Best wishes.

Not sure if this will help you much, but yesterday evening I got a message telling me he never wanted to be in a relationship in the first place and he can't do it. After 2.5 years of push-pull, and becoming properly intimate for the first time last week! Which is probably why he's saying this now. It's all too much for him. And, you know what, as much as I care for him, it's all too much for me too. He will shut me out again, maybe he'll come back in a few weeks or months, who knows? But what I do know is that after I've shed a few tears, after the river I've already cried over this man over the past 2.5 years, I need to get on with being me. I want to laugh (a lot) and be with someone who doesn't freak out when they get close to me. This is a cycle. He's done it to me before. It is the PTSD, but it's also him. He won't get help. He might well be a narcissist. It's exhausting, and I don't want to keep doing it. I can't keep doing it.

Perhaps, in a way, you've saved yourself years of heartache and it will all be condensed into these few weeks ahead? You will get through them. If your guy gets help, he may one day be able to explain himself better to you. I hope, though, whatever he does, that you find peace again and get to a place in your own head and heart where you're ok with not having in your life. Take care x

 

[Blue89]

It's honestly so nice to read this comments. It shows me that I'm not the only one dealing with this. What I would say if he got in touch again, I have no idea. That's the thing, he probably won't due to embarrassment. My family also worship him. As I said the last thing I said was I loved him and he could get in touch when he feels ready. I'm starting to sleep again... disturbed but I'm still waking up to look at his social media. I know he's been online but he's turned off all his active statuses on FB and WhatsApp so that I can't see he's been online but I know he has so there's some comfort in knowing he's okay. I try to switch off but the moment I think he's just disappeared, it kills Me and the cycle starts again. Even a message to say thank you or anything but I've had nothing. Yet... I'm still trying to tell myself it's not his fault although it does appear incredibly cruel considering he knows I've been through an incredibly toxic relationship once and I was treated shockingly bad. He also knows I have seperation anxiety but nothing that I have said has obviously resonated. When I think back to when I told him, he was totally blank. This was after he told me about himself. Thank you all for your comforting words.

Not sure if this will help you much, but yesterday evening I got a message telling me he never wanted to be in a relationship in the first place and he can't do it. After 2.5 years of push-pull, and becoming properly intimate for the first time last week! Which is probably why he's saying this now. It's all too much for him. And, you know what, as much as I care for him, it's all too much for me too. He will shut me out again, maybe he'll come back in a few weeks or months, who knows? But what I do know is that after I've shed a few tears, after the river I've already cried over this man over the past 2.5 years, I need to get on with being me. I want to laugh (a lot) and be with someone who doesn't freak out when they get close to me. This is a cycle. He's done it to me before. It is the PTSD, but it's also him. He won't get help. He might well be a narcissist. It's exhausting, and I don't want to keep doing it. I can't keep doing it.

Perhaps, in a way, you've saved yourself years of heartache and it will all be condensed into these few weeks ahead? You will get through them. If your guy gets help, he may one day be able to explain himself better to you. I hope, though, whatever he does, that you find peace again and get to a place in your own head and heart where you're ok with not having in your life. Take care x

Aww I'm so sorry to hear that. You're a wonderful person living in hope and you have helped me no end. In many ways, I could have done with having a conversation with you as you're talking from experience. You've been a rock to your partner and he will realise that he's lost a diamond but by then you will hopefully find someone to treat you with the happiness you truly deserve. Please be sure to take care of yourself too and from the bottom of my heart thank you for your responses. X

 

[Livinginhope]

Aww I'm so sorry to hear that. You're a wonderful person living in hope and you have helped me no end. In many ways, I could have done with having a conversation with you as you're talking from experience. You've been a rock to your partner and he will realise that he's lost a diamond but by then you will hopefully find someone to treat you with the happiness you truly deserve. Please be sure to take care of yourself too and from the bottom of my heart thank you for your responses. X

You're very welcome. And I'll still be checking in here from time to time as I've become invested in so many people's journeys. Hang in there, you will come out the other side. And so will I x

 

[Blue89]

So I thought I'd give an update. I got in touch yesterday for the first time in a week. I saw he'd commented on a exes post and wanted closure. What I had back was an awful reply saying he's now off work and the worst he's ever been with his PTSD. He maintains he wants no one at the moment and has no intention of running off with his ex but that he wants to be left alone and needs to sort himself out. He pushed me away for avoid hurting me and told me not to contact him and everytime I do even in a nice way it makes him feel worse. I responded with an apology (for what I don't know) but said I would not contact again until he felt ready. I see no future because I can't handle it but a friendship would be nice. Regardless of the condition, he is still contacting his ex even in a non-sexual way but didn't have the respect to contact me. That speaks volumes in my eyes but I'm not going to dig that up. I will let it lie and move on knowing I did all I can to stick my him. I can't comprehend what he is going through but he also has no idea what this has done to me. After sending my final message, I also said my mother sends her love and rather than Acknowledging what I wrote. He simple replied. Send my love back and paid no attention to anything else I said with regards to supporting or the disrespect shown by messaging his ex. I feel that there is only so much that PTSD can be blamed for. I'm not taking anything away from his pain because as he said its very real to him but I do believe how we handle things is everything. As I said, I won't be contacting again now and whether I will hear again or not I don't know. I did tell him to block and delete me if it helps but he's done neither of those. Sending love to anyone else going through this. X

 

[Livinginhope]

So I thought I'd give an update. I got in touch yesterday for the first time in a week. I saw he'd commented on a exes post and wanted closure. What I had back was an awful reply saying he's now off work and the worst he's ever been with his PTSD. He maintains he wants no one at the moment and has no intention of running off with his ex but that he wants to be left alone and needs to sort himself out. He pushed me away for avoid hurting me and told me not to contact him and everytime I do even in a nice way it makes him feel worse. I responded with an apology (for what I don't know) but said I would not contact again until he felt ready. I see no future because I can't handle it but a friendship would be nice. Regardless of the condition, he is still contacting his ex even in a non-sexual way but didn't have the respect to contact me. That speaks volumes in my eyes but I'm not going to dig that up. I will let it lie and move on knowing I did all I can to stick my him. I can't comprehend what he is going through but he also has no idea what this has done to me. After sending my final message, I also said my mother sends her love and rather than Acknowledging what I wrote. He simple replied. Send my love back and paid no attention to anything else I said with regards to supporting or the disrespect shown by messaging his ex. I feel that there is only so much that PTSD can be blamed for. I'm not taking anything away from his pain because as he said its very real to him but I do believe how we handle things is everything. As I said, I won't be contacting again now and whether I will hear again or not I don't know. I did tell him to block and delete me if it helps but he's done neither of those. Sending love to anyone else going through this. X

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through @Blue89 It totally sucks. For what it's worth, I suspect he can keep in touch with other people (including his ex) because they aren't important to him and the interactions don't cause him extra stress and emotion. Down the line, if friendship is on offer, please think very carefully about whether that's in your best interests or not? You may be able to handle it, and not let it hold you trapped in a cycle of hope with him, but I know I couldn't.

I had a phone call from my (ex) sufferer on Friday. Basically what he said was he really cares about me, that I'm the best woman in the world for him, that I'm the most important person in his life, that he trusts me more than anyone else, that he shares more with me than anyone else, that he finds me super attractive, we fit together so well and that making love was more wonderful than he could ever have imagined BUT apparently he never wanted a relationship in the first place (with me or anyone), has never intimated otherwise, and he can’t have one. Ever. He can't handle the responsibility.

It’s very sad, but he gave me the choice of friendship only (irrespective of the fact that only last week we had sex for the first time in a 2.5 year 'relationship' and it was initiated by him!) or nothing.

It’s semantics really, as it’s the labels of ‘relationship’ and ‘us’ that he seems to have a huge problem with. It's all very contradictory. He really wants to stay friends and doesn't want to lose me, but I mustn't think it's going anywhere. And we can't be physical again. He says he long ago accepted that he would never again have a proper relationship where there’s the expectation of it moving forward. Completely confused and gaslit me a bit by making me feel I'd imagined our conversations about where it was going, but it was a Hobson’s Choice he gave me as far as I was concerned. Friendship only or nothing. So I chose nothing.

It gutted me to say it, and I think he hadn't really thought it through. I feel I've reneged on my promise to always be in his corner, no matter what. But I can't be just his friend. I don't feel that I ever was 'just his friend'.

So, I would say again to you, please heal yourself and be as happy as you can be. If he comes back to you with an offer of friendship, take it only if you can be certain that it won't mess with your head. You, and I, deserve not to live in a gloomy, dark, unhappy world where we walk on eggshells.

Take care x

 

[Blue89]

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through @Blue89 It totally sucks. For what it's worth, I suspect he can keep in touch with other people (including his ex) because they aren't important to him and the interactions don't cause him extra stress and emotion. Down the line, if friendship is on offer, please think very carefully about whether that's in your best interests or not? You may be able to handle it, and not let it hold you trapped in a cycle of hope with him, but I know I couldn't.

I had a phone call from my (ex) sufferer on Friday. Basically what he said was he really cares about me, that I'm the best woman in the world for him, that I'm the most important person in his life, that he trusts me more than anyone else, that he shares more with me than anyone else, that he finds me super attractive, we fit together so well and that making love was more wonderful than he could ever have imagined BUT apparently he never wanted a relationship in the first place (with me or anyone), has never intimated otherwise, and he can’t have one. Ever. He can't handle the responsibility.

It’s very sad, but he gave me the choice of friendship only (irrespective of the fact that only last week we had sex for the first time in a 2.5 year 'relationship' and it was initiated by him!) or nothing.

It’s semantics really, as it’s the labels of ‘relationship’ and ‘us’ that he seems to have a huge problem with. It's all very contradictory. He really wants to stay friends and doesn't want to lose me, but I mustn't think it's going anywhere. And we can't be physical again. He says he long ago accepted that he would never again have a proper relationship where there’s the expectation of it moving forward. Completely confused and gaslit me a bit by making me feel I'd imagined our conversations about where it was going, but it was a Hobson’s Choice he gave me as far as I was concerned. Friendship only or nothing. So I chose nothing.

It gutted me to say it, and I think he hadn't really thought it through. I feel I've reneged on my promise to always be in his corner, no matter what. But I can't be just his friend. I don't feel that I ever was 'just his friend'.

So, I would say again to you, please heal yourself and be as happy as you can be. If he comes back to you with an offer of friendship, take it only if you can be certain that it won't mess with your head. You, and I, deserve not to live in a gloomy, dark, unhappy world where we walk on eggshells.

Take care x

Thank you for replying again. It's so horrible. His message last night was awful. It was so angry and disrespectful. He just kept mentioning how much I was pushing. Accused me of calling off withheld which wasn't me and basically said that everything I do makes him feel worse. I admit I was direct because I was infuriated that he'd comment on his exes statuses but not even let me know he was okay. Even the loving video I sent was deemed pushy and made him feel worse yet all did was tell him how amazing he was and that I loved him. I can't win... I still replied in a nice way but he'd adamant I don't get it. I do but I just feel how we deal with things is crap. All I've had running through my head is what if I unintentionally push him over the edge. That would kill me after all I just wanted to support him. I promised him I wouldn't contact him again but I also said he would eventually realise that I deserved more than this... again he said that was a dig and made him feel worse than crap. Whatever I do is wrong. Yes I've chased, yes I've called but you fight for what you love. I've clearly gone about this all the wrong way. I really hope he gets through this and that he's safe because that's all I worry about now. The pain is unbearable after all I love this guy with all my heart yet he's so aggressive and angry towards me. I didn't contact him for a week yet he says all I've done is bombard and push him. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to need counselling as I'm questioning what's wrong with me to hurt someone I love but it's just not been intentional. Thank you again for your comments. They mean so much. I can see you're having a tough time too. It's so hard to give advice because of the pain any decision causes. I really wish you so much happiness as you clearly deserve it. X

 

[DentedCan 2.0]

Thank you for replying again. It's so horrible. His message last night was awful. It was so angry and disrespectful. He just kept mentioning how much I was pushing. Accused me of calling off withheld which wasn't me and basically said that everything I do makes him feel worse. I admit I was direct because I was infuriated that he'd comment on his exes statuses but not even let me know he was okay. Even the loving video I sent was deemed pushy and made him feel worse yet all did was tell him how amazing he was and that I loved him. I can't win... I still replied in a nice way but he'd adamant I don't get it. I do but I just feel how we deal with things is crap. All I've had running through my head is what if I unintentionally push him over the edge. That would kill me after all I just wanted to support him. I promised him I wouldn't contact him again but I also said he would eventually realise that I deserved more than this... again he said that was a dig and made him feel worse than crap. Whatever I do is wrong. Yes I've chased, yes I've called but you fight for what you love. I've clearly gone about this all the wrong way. I really hope he gets through this and that he's safe because that's all I worry about now. The pain is unbearable after all I love this guy with all my heart yet he's so aggressive and angry towards me. I didn't contact him for a week yet he says all I've done is bombard and push him. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to need counselling as I'm questioning what's wrong with me to hurt someone I love but it's just not been intentional. Thank you again for your comments. They mean so much. I can see you're having a tough time too. It's so hard to give advice because of the pain any decision causes. I really wish you so much happiness as you clearly deserve it. X

Blu… you did nothing wrong. Your pushing wouldn’t be to a person that didn’t so easily feel pushed. I hear/heard the same thing every time I asked for conversation or communication to understand. Any stress (good or bad) was deemed as too much and any needs I had he wasn’t variable of fulfilling. Blame it on whatever, PTSD, BPD or our feelings about one another not being aligned…. Who knows. One day I was his saviour and the next I was vilified.
I had to seek therapy after years of the push/pull cycle and not knowing why he was the way he was and why I was the way I was. My therapist tells me he will likely always be this way and being with him would mean I have to accept that sometimes he’s going to love me, sometimes he’s going to hate me and other times he’s going to feel both simultaneously. Honestly….. I don’t want to be loved like that…. I deserve and want more…. So do you

 

[Livinginhope]

Thank you for replying again. It's so horrible. His message last night was awful. It was so angry and disrespectful. He just kept mentioning how much I was pushing. Accused me of calling off withheld which wasn't me and basically said that everything I do makes him feel worse. I admit I was direct because I was infuriated that he'd comment on his exes statuses but not even let me know he was okay. Even the loving video I sent was deemed pushy and made him feel worse yet all did was tell him how amazing he was and that I loved him. I can't win... I still replied in a nice way but he'd adamant I don't get it. I do but I just feel how we deal with things is crap. All I've had running through my head is what if I unintentionally push him over the edge. That would kill me after all I just wanted to support him. I promised him I wouldn't contact him again but I also said he would eventually realise that I deserved more than this... again he said that was a dig and made him feel worse than crap. Whatever I do is wrong. Yes I've chased, yes I've called but you fight for what you love. I've clearly gone about this all the wrong way. I really hope he gets through this and that he's safe because that's all I worry about now. The pain is unbearable after all I love this guy with all my heart yet he's so aggressive and angry towards me. I didn't contact him for a week yet he says all I've done is bombard and push him. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to need counselling as I'm questioning what's wrong with me to hurt someone I love but it's just not been intentional. Thank you again for your comments. They mean so much. I can see you're having a tough time too. It's so hard to give advice because of the pain any decision causes. I really wish you so much happiness as you clearly deserve it. X

Ditto to @DentedCan 2.0 You did nothing wrong. You asked for clarity in a situation that was unclear. There is absolutely nothing wrong in that.

If he didn't have PTSD, he most likely would be able (or at least willing) to try to explain and to understand that his actions are hurtful to you. But he does have PTSD and until (or unless) he seeks proper help with it, he won't be any different. Not consistently, at least.And maybe not even then.

That really is something I too need to finally accept. PTSD leads to all kinds of pain, for both sufferer and supporter. There may be months of good times, but then abruptly it all changes. And what you thought you had disappears overnight - and worse still, you get the blame. In your case, according to him, you're pushing too hard. In my case, he had apparently never meant we were in a relationship.

I've learnt so many valuable things on this site from both sufferers and supporters, much of which helped me understand a little better over the last 2.5 years. It doesn't remove the pain but it does make me believe that I'm not alone in my experiences and that it's not my fault. As it's not yours either. One thing that has stuck with me is that PTSD is the most selfish of mental health conditions. EVERYTHING revolves around the sufferer and, at their most symptomatic, survival is (understandably) all they can focus on. Anything or anyone who adds stress (even by asking a question, making an assumption or by simply being there!) gets blamed, then dumped on and/or pushed away. It's a cruel, lonely disease, and sadly many sufferers (not all) react to situations by throwing those closest to them under the bus. Sometimes when they are less symptomatic, they look around, see we've backed right off, and attempt to reconnect. And so it goes on!

I know where you are at the moment is absolutely, 100%, heart breaking. I'm so sorry for you and wouldn't wish what you're going through on anyone. It's the first time he's done this to you; you haven't known of his PTSD for long; and it's completely blind-sided you. That's all totally normal. It's the situation that is abnormal, not you.

At the beginning of my relationship with my sufferer, I was already in therapy as I was struggling with the then recent death of my wonderful dad. In a perverse way, it was a stroke of luck that I was. I needed her to help me through the mire of pain, anger, self-doubt and overwhelming sadness my first 'split' with my sufferer caused me. Don't be afraid or ashamed to get help for yourself. Knowing you need it and finding it for yourself is a brave, proactive thing to do. Focus on you as much as you can. Ride out the tears and sadness as best you can. You do you, and let him do him. In the end you (and me) will feel stronger again, more 'ourselves', ready to face the world again. You have done nothing wrong. Believe that. Giving love, kindness and support is never wrong. Asking for clarity when you don't understand something is never wrong. He has the problem. Not you. x

 

[DentedCan 2.0]

Blu… you did nothing wrong. Your pushing wouldn’t be to a person that didn’t so easily feel pushed. I hear/heard the same thing every time I asked for conversation or communication to understand. Any stress (good or bad) was deemed as too much and any needs I had he wasn’t variable of fulfilling. Blame it on whatever, PTSD, BPD or our feelings about one another not being aligned…. Who knows. One day I was his saviour and the next I was vilified.
I had to seek therapy after years of the push/pull cycle and not knowing why he was the way he was and why I was the way I was. My therapist tells me he will likely always be this way and being with him would mean I have to accept that sometimes he’s going to love me, sometimes he’s going to hate me and other times he’s going to feel both simultaneously. Honestly….. I don’t want to be loved like that…. I deserve and want more…. So do you

Your words and experience shared is appreciated. I experienced many of the same things… one minute he’s in love with me planning a future and the next I’m dumped and told after six years our connection was just sexual chemistry. The love bombing and gaslighting has made me feel as though I’d imagined his love, our connection and every kind word he’s ever said. It got to the point that I would question my own self worth…. I wasn’t enough or too much, what did I do or say wrong. Truth is…. I am enough and I did nothing wrong but have needs he couldn’t fulfill.
My advice to you is live your life and don’t settle for anyone less than someone that respects and honours your needs as much as you do theirs. Life is too short and love is too beautiful a thing not to receive it back the way you put it out. Love is selfless…. Not selfish. We aren’t “too much or too pushy” because we want reciprocity in the love, empathy, patience and understanding we give. Your pain and emotional upheaval is real and just because our sufferers don’t see our narrative doesn’t mean it’s not true.

 

[Blue89]

Wow thank you to both of you. I'm only several days into my last contact and each day it continues to hurt so much especially when I think a month ago we were planning our future and moving in together. It really makes no sense at all. I hate the fact he's in pain but I can't comprehend why being around would make it any easier. Was I that much of a bad person. I gave him my heart... the first time I've ever felt real love I believe and its all gone up in smoke. I know I wouldn't be able to last months... for someone to disappear for 3.5 months and then suddenly reappear thinking that's okay would finish me off. You'd be back to square one again. I do know he's currently going through therapy and is medicated but again... the way he changed and treated me these last two weeks is something I will find hard to forget even though I appreciate its not his fault. I know people say it all the time but life is so short, it's so important to say how you feel. I do think he will realise what he's lost but hopefully it will be too late by then as it's made me so ill. I didn't eat for 2 and a half weeks and was hospitalised and put on a drip. When I text him to tell him he didn't even respond or ask if I was okay. Instead he got angry and said he was working... several months ago he would have hopped in his car and been by my side. I'm slowly on the up and eating again but I'm still weak and not sleeping although I made him believe I was fine and getting better. I wouldn't let anyone believe they've dragged me down but both of your comments have really helped me. I genuinely thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means a great deal and I sincerely hope you both meet someone to treat you for the diamonds you clearly are. God bless you both x