Childhood Ptsd simply by being me... and i really hate it

[NoSleep]

I feel like a fool saying I have PTSD when I've never experienced violence or war or sexual abuse. But I simply cannot take the flashbacks anymore. I fear the moment between getting into bed and actually falling asleep. I fear the moment I wake up and have not risen from bed yet. The memories and thoughts they paralyze me as they spiral deeper and deeper into the thick of my so called "trauma."

Yeah, I was neglected by my father but so was my sister. Yeah, he treated her better than me, but he never hit me. He put food on the table and drove me to school. I had shitty teachers, but so did everyone else at my schools. I could keep going with the list of things that left me with permanent scars haunting me ten or twenty years later when plenty of other people have experienced the same or worse and are walking around unharmed.

Why am I constantly triggered? Why are these flashbacks trying to kill me? I see a therapist and I'm on a great medication. What more can I do? And why oh why do I have this illness for no apparent reason?

Right now I'm being triggered by the way my in-laws treat their daughter. But really, It's NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. They care so much more for her and have already given her things that I never had. So why can't I let it go?

I can usually grit through it but tonight I just could not take it anymore.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

Its rough. Neglect can is a trauma too. Your feelings and your reaction is valid. How long have you been seeing your therapist? Do you feel the therapy is helping? My therapist is helping me to accept that certain things in my childhood did contribute to my issues. It sounds like you are in a world of pain. You deserve to feel validated. Growing up in an invalidating environment can cause all sorts of emotional pain. I can understand why you feel this way tbh. I went through simalar stuff with my mom preferring my brother in many ways. I have a terrible time with the fact she will go on outtings with my brother but not me despite us getting along well...so I feel ya.

I am sorry you're going trhough such horrible flashbacks and so much pain <3.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I did that when first diagnosed. Mine was "there is no way my past was as bad as war! No way!" Did that for about a month or so and only accepted my diagnosis when my therapist went through the DSM together. We've done that with each diagnosis so we both are in agreement.

The reality is, it is "that bad" or "bad enough". And who cares others have gone through it or even others have gone through it and didn't get PTSD. Most don't get PTSD. You did. And thats ok.

Supportive :hug:s!

 

[NoSleep]

Its rough. Neglect can is a trauma too. Your feelings and your reaction is valid. How long have y...

Thank you. I really appreciate your reply.

 

[Sideways]

It sounds like you're having a really rough time, and that you've had a pretty rough life. Hopefully things start picking up for you soon.

As mentioned above, cases of serious neglect in childhood can amount to trauma that gives rise to PTSD. But it doesn't sound like your T has diagnosed you with PTSD - is that right?

If so, perhaps consider getting a qualified diagnosis. Nightmares and flashbacks can be symptoms of a range of issues, and there is quite a bit more to PTSD... The reason I suggest that is partly because it can do more harm than good to self-diagnose, but mostly because a correct diagnosis from someone qualified may open doors to alternative treatment approaches that you may not have tried, and which may be a game-changer for you.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think maybe you are minimizing your trauma? :hug: