Ptsd Symptoms Mean I Have To Back Out Of Plans

[Justmehere]

I can usually keep decent boundaries, but lately, every little boundary seems to be hard. I'm not sure why.

A friend invited me to go out of town concert. I said yes, let's go. Then it hit me. I was traumatized in this town. I don't generally like concerts, too much sensory input, but I was going to try to go and see how it went.

It turns out I'm not ready. Not for this concert and not in this town.

I don't know how to tell my friend. I already said yes. How do I explain my no? I hate to admit it's PTSD. I should have never said yes to begin with. I really like spending time with this friend and I wanted to challenge myself. She is so excited to go. I am filled with shame and anxiety over it. I am so sick of PTSD.

 

[Kintsugi]

How well does she know you? Does she know you have PTSD?

I tell everyone I might spend time with (acquaintances at work, true friends, everyone) that I am the flakiest person ever. I don't tell them why (unless they are very close friends). I just tell them: I'm a flake. It's weird, because the overwhelming response I've gotten is that people love that I just put that right on out there. Usually, when I make plans, I remind people that I am flaky and that if I don't wind up coming through, I'm sorry, but that's just me, and it has nothing to do with them.

I completely feel you on this, by the way, and I wish I could be more helpful than just asking about the nature of your relationship. I flaked on a friend a couple weeks ago and have been terrified to see her ever since, even though she completely knows who I am, how I am, how I do--or, more accurately, how I don't do. And it's hard for me to always be like, "Girl! I love you! I'm so sorry! PTSD, man!" because it feels like a cop-out, even though it isn't, and even though I'm pretty certain she knows it isn't an excuse but a reality.

Big hugs for my dear (((JMH))).

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I have a tendency to just generalize into "I'm not feeling well and I need to stay in and rest." Those who know me well enough know that this is usually mental health related. Those who don't might think I'm a flake, but that's okay.

I totally understand how hard this sort of thing is. I always think I will be up to it when I make plans, but then when it comes down to it ... I'm never sure. I'm supposed to go to this awesome party tomorrow that will be really good socially and professionally, and I'm not sure I can make myself go. All I can seem to handle lately is staying inside my apartment ....

 

[Thizette]

I understand your situation. It sucks to feel like you're letting a friend down, but it's important to maintain your health. Like you, I have problems with sensory overload, but I find that I handle those situations better with certain people that I really trust or feel incredibly close to (if you're wondering, that's, like, two people, haha). I've found that, rather than the personal stress and shame of cancelling plans, it's easier for me to respond to an invitation with a "That sounds really fun, but I'm not sure I can make it. Can I get back to you tomorrow/in a few days?" This gives me time to really examine my feelings about the situation. If I decide it's not a good idea for me I can make an excuse that's appropriate to the level of friendship. For something like this it could be, "Thank you for thinking of me, but I'm not comfortable in loud spaces. Maybe we can get coffee sometime soon? I'd really like to spend time with you." After enough of these, your friends sort of learn what kinds of things you're interested in and invite accordingly.

This tactic works really well for professional emails, too. "Thank you for sending this information, I will look it over and get back to you by close of business on Tuesday."

Anyway, if your friend is a real friend, she'll understand that you can't go. I would suggest offering an alternative plan for another day to make it clear that you aren't ditching your friend, just the event.

 

[Justmehere]

How well does she know you? Does she know you have PTSD?

She does know I have PTSD and she has fought her own mental health battle with something different. Actually she is a pretty safe person... Oddly makes it harder for me to figure this out. Or maybe it doesn't? I am probably overthinking things, as usual.

And it's hard for me to always be like, "Girl! I love you! I'm so sorry! PTSD, man!" because it feels like a cop-out, even though it isn't, and even though I'm pretty certain she knows it isn't an excuse but a reality.

It does feel like a cop out! But I love that you wrote this. :hug:s back to you.

but then when it comes down to it ... I'm never sure.

Yeah, me too. It's like I need all social plans to be tentative.

"That sounds really fun, but I'm not sure I can make it. Can I get back to you tomorrow/in a few days?"

I do this for work all the time. It helps to know I'm not the only one and that maybe I need to apply this to friendships more.

I am so stuck in shame over this but knowing I'm not alone has helped a lot. Thanks for the responses and support! I'm gonna text her back now and let her know what's up for me.

 

[Powder]

I still feel bad later over last second just having a PTSD flashback or anxiety attack when I had agreed to plans too quickly. It just sucks.

I don't think there is any way to make that not feel bad. In some cases I just go and it turns out okay, but not in cases of being in a triggering place.

Could you suggest another venue? Rather than say "No" how about taking it in a better direction for you both?

 

[The Albatross]

Reframe it as an exposure goal challenge with a friend and go... use your coping skills and create a strategy. PTSD isn't doing this, you're defensive preference is. PTSD isn't doing this because it's fortune telling or anticipatory stress and you don't think you can deal with it... yet whether you can is moot cuz you're still in fear/defensive based living.

Then isn't now even if it's the same town.
Predictably, my vote is to go with your initial reaction to do the activity and see how it goes.

 

[Justmehere]

@Muse and @The Albatross - great input! I think it's a good idea to not see it so black and white and like I have to go and be totally ok or else not go at all. There is room for compromise and working through the fear rather than avoiding it. I tend to see everything as too much of an all or nothing thing. Thanks for your input and encouragement!

I contacted my friend and I told her I wanted to go, but my anxiety is high and I wasn't sure I could handle it because of PTSD symptoms. I told her it would probably be best to plan on going without me. I apologized for being a flaky friend and said I could for sure meet up afterwards for ice cream.

She responded in the most generous and awesome way possible. She texted me to tell me I could cancel, there is absolutely no pressure. I could even cancel at the last minute. She could go with her sister and her friends instead. Furthermore, she sent me some photos of the venue, and where she sat last year, away from the thickest part of the crowd, but where we could relax on the lawn with families and space. She said if I wanted to try to go, that's what it would be like, ahe doesn't like big tight crowds either, and even if it became too hard, we could leave and go walk around a nearby park or just head out and grab ice cream instead. No pressure. She simply wanted to hang out. Then she asked if there was anything that would help me with my anxiety today, did I need to talk, a friend to go for a walk with me, etc. She offered help with lots of acceptance and without trying to rescue me. A true friend.

I seriously wish it was possible to hug someone through text. It was like the best response I have ever had to struggling with following through on plans. She's picking me up tomorrow and we are gonna give it a try! I'm so glad you all encouraged me to talk to her. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

No you are not alone. For so many years when I made the plans I was jazzed and then when it was time to go I would cancel and feel horrible about being so flaky. Good safe people will understand what is going on with you. It sounds like your friend prepped you on what to expect. Now these days, I hesitate and do not feel like going but I force myself and find to my surprise that I had a really good time. I wish you the best on whatever you choose.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think you're being flakey-----

Its a negative descriptor for undesirable behavior.

Why heap on self guilt when it's due to very valid health reasons?

 

[Thizette]

@Muse and @The Albatross - great input! I think it's a good idea...

Keep this friend forever, she is awesome! I'm so glad it worked out for you. :tup: :tup: :tup: