Relationship PTSD - The Impact On Relationships Continued

[whitty]

Hello Everyone. I hope everyone is finding peace and a few smiles on this day! I am into my almost fourth year of PTSD, MDD and what a ride it has been! In the midst of it all, I had a very serious and major heart attack which has only further complicated my life and issues. I now have what is classified as: "sudden cardiac death syndrome" which means I could just keel over and drop dead at anytime, anywhere. I have had to resort to wearing a Medic Alert bracelet so that if I am out and about alone, somewhere, someone will know what is wrong with me. Kind of like a little insurance. ;)

My PTSD started out as secondary. I had a friend who did time in the wars and well, not only has HE been "wayward", he also has included ME in the equation. PTSD can be secondary and although there are more than A LOT of people who do not "believe" in PTSD, you just wait until THEY have the breakdown and then suddenly, they become believers. Funny how that works; isn't it?

I have been in regular and steady counseling for almost the past four years and not all of it was from my friend. It was just sitting there my whole life long, just waiting to go off. He was the trigger. He did an excellent job of it too! I am talking about a whole array of things that bring legal implications that I don't want to discuss here on the internet. Let's just say that he continued fighting the war when he got home and he drug me with him until I couldn't take anymore. And, he was the only man in my life for the past almost 11 years!

Relationships and PTSD do not mix well. So, if you are single, like I am, I would highly suggest that you try to nix it on the serious relationships until you get your life in perspective for yourself. Get back to thinking of you and putting you first. Having PTSD is not a license to continue bad behavior, but it is a license to put perspective back on yourself until you have found your legs again. Dealing with life's trauma's and tragedies is not easy. One day you are absolutely sure you think a particular way on something and the next day will dawn and you wake up to find that what you THOUGHT was one way really isn't that way at all. So, you have to search and search yourself to find out the NEW attitude for the old one that has suddenly become obsolete. :)

I have chosen to live alone the past almost 11 years, without a relationship, after having every single one fail. And, it wasn't because I was a TYRANT but because I was the exact opposite: TOO LOVING and TOO KIND and everyone was just walking all over me. I will NOT torment myself further by trying to make another relationship work. #1, the desire or need for a sexual relationship is like last on my list at this point. #2, I have been threatened; subjected to an array of diseases that takes people's lives; I have been yelled at; my life has been threatened; I have had guns stuck between my eyes and been laughed at when I almost died. I have had it all. And these things just really skim the surface.

I wanted to share something with you all that you may not be aware of: first, EMDR therapy DOES work. I am not sure how it does but it does. I am half way through my progression and it absolutely does work. f you are not familiar with it, it involves no drugs and no electroshock - only a very caring therapist and lots of honesty on your behalf. I have also learned "IMMEDIATE COPING SKILLS", like pounding your chest (where the thymus gland is) for a quick release of frustration. (Sort of sounds like what Tazan did before he fought with the lions; does it not?)
I have also learned the art of "tapping" and you can research these techniques on line and on u-tube where they will show you exactly how to do them and yes, they DO bring immediate relief for those moments where you feel like you are falling off the edge.

I take NO medications other than the medications my cardiologist has prescribed for me taking care of my heart. The one thing I HAD TO DO was to alleviate some of the stress about me and it's difficult because you don't want to cut people out but then sometimes you have no choice when it comes to your sanity and it's survival. I have also been using hypnotherapy a lot lately with my therapist for that deep sense of relaxation that sometimes is necessary.

I still sit for days and days and not really "connect" with anyone or anything. I feel completely isolated and totally alone because if people don't run from me and my PTSD, I lock myself away from them to avoid them seeing or dealing with it. That way there just aren't any problems. I have learned how to survive unto myself. I have made myself an island and become a social freak not wanting to associate with people because I just really don't have it in me anymore.
I used to say: "Some people in this life are meant to walk on their own and not be in a relationship" to color my reasons for not having a steady relationship, when in all actuality, I keep people away from me to avoid the stress of the relationship. Relationships can be a HUGE STRESSOR and if you aren't in one, DONT START NOW until you get your PTSD symptoms under control or it may end up just being one more failure to add to the list of reasons WHY WE punish ourselves.

I am going to be 60 years old in May and have lived a lifetime of public service to a great many causes and intents. I have worked my entire lifetime and was retired this past November on a permanent disability: ie: life threatening heart condition, let alone my propensity for PTSD setbacks. I have raised four great children primarily on a single mother basis and I have been trapped in my own private hell for the past almost four years and it has about taken my life from me in the form of stress at this point.

The one thing I can suggest to you all, BE GOOD TO YOURSELF and don't let others set expectations for you. Set them for yourself. Be honest and true to yourself, if you are to nobody else in this lifetime. PTSD is our minds way of working through all those horrible things that has happened to us and came before us. We can learn to control it almost entirely once we learn what it is and the techniques available to us but we have to really want it. We have to do our homework and not wait for a miracle to pull us out of this darkness. WE must stand up and do it for ourselves and for nobody else if we are ever to find that peaceful spot in our lives.

Don't stop trying and don't give up. Keep plugging away and commit yourself to change. Go to counseling as often as you possibly can. Try out the techniques I have mentioned. They really do work. At the moment, I am in a research study through the VA for PTSD and I am beholding and grateful. If I can help just ONE PERSON through all of the torment and sadness I have experienced with this the past four years, it will have all been worth it.

I wish you all nothing but happiness, wealth, success and joy.
Don't forget GOD is the great healer. When you can trust nothing else, always trust Him.

 

[Anna]

My partner is the supporter and he met me after I had PTSD, so he didn't know me before. I never talked to him ever about what happened to me, it took many years to be able to do so. Sometimes people do not want to talk, they just want to be left alone or never to talk about certain things that may trigger the memories. He first asked me about something being wrong after we first slept in the same bed together. I shook the whole night and he asked me why I shaked and I said I didn't know, maybe I was cold.... As I didn't at this point wish to discuss this.

I prefer to avoid talking ever about the bad experience and I guess my way of coping is avoidance. I try to keep myself busy to forget.

The main problem we had was the emotional coldness from me. Sometimes I go numb, where I don't feel any emotion sometimes for days. This of course leads to friction. I also get very angry and displace my anger on him. When I explained after we had been together for 2 years what had happened he had more understanding towards my behaviour.

I have read many of the posts here and I can say, there is never ever any excuse for physical aggression. If someone does that and does not stop you have to protect yourself and your sanity. I used to get very angry and once I did lash out at my partner. I changed. I started doing yoga and meditation, I tried to control my anger and emotions when they were running wild. There is no excuse ever for hitting or hurting another person.

 

[ROSE]

Ahhh Rachel. You have summed up perfectly what I was trying to say even it was harsh :rolleyes:. Sometimes you have to be cruel tly though, some carers here really need to look at the definition of a relationship and then compare it to the illusion they have created for themselves. And I say this because I do care and don't want you wasting your life on something which is very short of what you deserve. Like Rachel said, invest your energies on your self esteem instead of a dead-end relationships.

I believe you should deal with your own emotions, get to know who you are , what you want and learn to love yourself first..

 

[PushedAway]

I am very new to this site and I've been doing a lot of reading. I have heard a number of people advise the carer to move on if the sufferer has pushed them away --- I take issue with that. I have had a 2 year relationship with a wonderful man that I consider to be "the one". I think we were both ready to get married until a terrible trauma happened to him. He completely shut down and turned away everyone he loved...even his children. I have tried to keep the lines of communication open to him, and mostly it has worked out, but again, he has pushed me away.

It's not that I have done anything to him, it's the PTSD. I cannot fathom anyone walking away from a loved one knowing full well that the reason they are pushing you away is not you, it's the PTSD. I can see it in his face and feel it in his touch that he loves me - he just can't express it or anything else for that matter. I just hope I can say & do what he needs me to so that someday, when he starts getting back to a normal life (as well as can be that is), that I'll be there - as I always have been. I just hope that I have the strength for the both of us during his bad times.

 

[Allison_ptsd spouse]

Hi all,

I am new to this forum, and this is my first time posting. My husband of 8 years was diagnosed a couple years ago with PTSD (caused by childhood abuse by his mother). Although his diagnosis was relatively recent, I think it's fair to say that he has had it for many years, along with severe irritable bowel syndrome.


He is a very kind, loving person who has never been abusive towards me. He is being treated by a therapist and a psychiatrist. However, it is often difficult to live with him due to his anxiety, depressive moods, and constant self-hatred. I am an empathetic person, and it is hard to block out his negative feelings all the time. In addition, he is so easily overwhelmed that he cannot hold down a job or even manage normal household chores, leaving most of the responsibility on my shoulders. I can endure a lot more stress than he can before it becomes too much, but I always find myself at a breaking point where I want to give him ultimatums. I want him to take on a more active role in his treatment (as I cannot see results); I want him to get a job so he can get out of the house and contribute to our household budget. If I tell him these feelings, he becomes stressed out and overwhelmed with guilt, yet does little or nothing.
Even his therapist seems to think that he cannot work and has advised him to apply for SSI disability.

What really gets me down is thinking about the things we want together, especially children. We both want kids, but it seems like his PTSD is making that impossible. Would it be fair to a child to have a primary caregiver who is always anxious and depressed? It wouldn’t be fair to me that I would be at work every day when I want to be breastfeeding, nurturing, and playing with our child. It wouldn’t be fair to my husband having to deal with all the stress of a taking care of a child with his condition. Should we hold onto this dream and hope that one day he will recover? Or is it healthier to try to let it go? We are in our early thirties.

Mostly I am just posting to vent a little bit, but do you other supporters have any tips on how I can reduce my burden without adding to his?

 

[Laney1018]

Right now, 3 months after I decided to break up, I'm happy I took this decision cause I have some hindsight.

Today it's really clear to me that my ex was alcoholic and I could never have been happy with him.
He has some issues and a difficult past, which is not his fault, but today he's fully responsible for the unhealthy way he's dealing with it.

All this love I had for him and this will to help and understand would never have been enough.

Moving on is the only way.

Just stating a carer and he drinks every nigh but he seems to be a functioning alcoholic cause he works at a high stress job and he is very successful. I wonder if I am going to head down your same path. I really think he is a good man with a good heart but I am scared. Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[Sailorgal]

I learned first hand how detrimental ptsd is in a relationship.

I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship but my ex (the supporter) was insistent that it would work. It was a few months into it that I realized my pain was deeper than I realized.

We weren't prepared for it at all. I was also in denial cos of the shame and guilt. The more he reached out, the more I lashed out.

My heart goes out to all of you careers...it IS draining! Yes you walk in eggshells. But guess what, we do too. I tried sooo hard to be "normal" that I had anxiety anytime I felt something overwhelm me cos I didn't want to ruin my relationship and have my ex say "you'll never change." We fear letting you down as well.

For those in relationships where the sufferer is committed, please don't give up on them. If only my ex knew how far I have really come. At the same time, he deserves happiness and not to struggle.

 

[AC2012]

I am currently being shut out and ignored and I feel that it means something that I am not going to like. I feel that he might not want to be with me even though he says he does. I don't know and I am stuck at that point where I don't know what to do. I have no clue.

 

[MissMacD]

I have been in a relationship for just over three years and my PTSD has definitely caused strain but it hasn't been only because of me. From years of having really low self esteem I sometimes have a hard time standing up for myself so I have definitely been pushed around more than I should at times.

We both lost our jobs last fall so have been drawing unemployment insurance. The decrease in income has definitely caused strain, and I have been in and out of therapy. I feel that if we can get through this low time together than we can get through anything.

Some days I question my relationship and review if I am in a healthy relationship because just because there is no substance abuse or physical violence doesn't mean there aren't other faults that can be made. We have both been working on becoming better communicators and have been learning to stay away from yelling and name calling when we argue over things.

Finding a place where we can meet each other half way can be challenging at times because I am a loner and he is very affectionate - often at times more than I can handle. We have supplemented this issue by getting dogs which help a lot. It's hard feeling really cold sometimes and not wanting anyone to touch me or be near me, I feel like I am cheating him by denying him of his need for affection.

For me it's been all about weighing the pros and cons of the relationship. Most days I find more things that I like than I don't like. He has stuck by me through therapy and mood swings galore and late night visits to the ER. Even though he has been impatient about it at times he has been there all the same.

Relationships and having a red hot wave of PTSD pass over me has strained my relationship. It has threatened to break us but it hasn't. Perhaps someday I will get to that point but for now I will simply do my best to enjoy the time I have and make the best of what I've got.

 

[Nicolette]

Bumping this up for all new supporters to read - seems timely :)

 

[TheMinsterman]

Just read through this... well, damn.

The slap to the fact I really kind of needed, being understanding of a condition and allowing yourself to cloud people's shitty behaviour because of it are two different things and I think I am very guilty of doing a dance of combining the two. Understanding the need for isolation for example, but allowing her to just sod off and cut me out of her life with no consideration to even discussing an agreed date to "catch up" and see where we are isn't justifiable "just because she has PTSD".

You get trapped feelings really bad because you want to be understanding that I think maybe you just don't always see the things you'd normally never put up with because you've convinced yourself there's a legitimate reason behind it. I've also started to feel that even if PTSD can explain some behaviour, it never means you should just put up with it forever and they shouldn't work on it. I have to work on my OCD and the compulsions it causes, she has no excuse to keep doing things that are unfair and hurtful after being told it hurts.