This really hit home to me.
Six years ago I met a man that was on his way to Iraq. We have been friends this whole past six years, keeping in constant touch. He spent two years in Iraq and another two years in Afghanistan. We walked side by side through the whole experience or quite a lot of it.
He came home on leave, this past April, and our relationship just grew and flourished. He lives in one state and myself in another. We talked everyday by messenger or on the phone and we decided it was time to meet - he came to spend Thanksgiving with me and that is when my world kind of like fell apart, I guess.
The minute he walked in the door, I could see it. So eratic; so lost...
During the past six months, we became very very close and shared so much...fell in love with one another, actually...
We made plans to meet and as soon as we met and fell in love with one another, then he told me he was married to a 70 year old woman (he is 41) and that he married her after knowing her for two weeks because he had nobody else in his life at the time (?) and wanted someone to benefit from all that he was doing and that although he loves me, he is committed to his marriage. Just like that...after six years...He told me he married her to help her pay off the house she got in her divorce. He apologized, with tears in his eyes for marrying the wrong woman but now that he is married to her, he has to stay committed to it.
He has never been out of sorts with me but has confessed being that way with his "wife" and how lucky I am to not be her...to just take "all the good parts" and thank God I don't have to deal with the other side. He said she deals with it on a daily basis.
Since he has been home, he spent the first 5 months being alone..
he wanders about, aimlessly, kind of like the way I have, since he left Thanksgiving morning, to go home to his wife. The wife that has never really been there for him, before.....He will start to say something and forget what he was saying.
Having had a brother who was a 2-tour Viet Nam vet, I could tell that my friend was suffering and I conciously made the choice to help him as much as I possibly could, full well knowing that it could have implications on me as well. And it has. I have been absolutely celibate and single the whole past six years. It was an immense decision for me to open my life and my heart to him. He full well knew how important this was to both of us.
Yes, he left Thanksgiving morning to fly back to his wife - mind you, all the while telling me he truly loved me but there can never be anything more between us because of her. He tells me we need to stop communicating so much but yet he is the first one every morning to somehow let me know he loves me or to call me on the phone, yes, even with his wife nearby.
He tells me that I have helped him and his wife. While I am left here, "letting go" without really wanting to. I just spent the past six years being celibate and single and am now left dealing with emotions that have completely overtaken me; emotions I have never felt before in my life.
I find myself not wanting to go on, somehow. Hugging his pillow and constantly balling my eyes out. I keep looking for that message light on my computer - it just isn't there the way it used to be.
True, you can't chase after someone. I don't contact him...it is always him contacting me and telling me to let go but no-don't....one time it is "let go" the next "don't ever let go"... He tells me that he is dedicated to his wife and marriage, yet, in the same breath, tells me he loves me so much and that he always will....for me to never let go and how I have filled a spot in his life...
We have made a promise to one another to always be friends. But, I am just devistated and I don't know how to pull myself out of this deep well of sorrow. We have been close for six years and suddenly things have changed.
He is returning to Afghanistan after the first of the year, because he said that is "his job"; "what he does for a living"; "I need to pay off her home, like I promised her I would..." he doesn't need to go back, not in his condition and I so worry for his safety.
I tried to persuade him into taking his educational benefits and going to college instead of going back and he said that "just isn't me" -
It's easy to say: "if someone doesn't love you, don't chase..." but what if someone does love you? What if you know, without any doubt, that person truly loves you but is making bad choices? What do you do then? There isn't anything a person can do except "let go" and I can't; I won't; he tells me to never let go - tells me that he will never let go....that he needs me here in his life but yet, sometimes in the same breath, will tell me: "I will stop talking to you, if you want me to...if it is easier for you"
When together, we have the perfect relationship; he is always kind, considerate, loving - tells me he is not that way with his wife, at all. That she is not as affectionate as I am - that he sleeps so well in my arms, better than he ever has, in fact - yet he rebukes our relationship...this just is insane.
Since he left Thanksgiving morning, I have this wall of emotion that washes over me so completely and totally and suddenly I am plunged into the deepest sense of despair. I so innocently, openly, completely, and, totally gave him my heart and my life and I know he has issues and will always care for him and love him, no matter what he gets himself into.
How can our country send these people back to war? Even if they keep volunteering to return - doesn't the government have a responsibility to make sure they are not injured or cause injury to others? I am afraid he wants to go back to committ suicide because he is so trapped in the whirlwind of PTSD. He tells me "war is less stressful..." he has had a very difficult time of adjusting since he has been home and I have tried to keep his feet on the ground as best as I could -
I just don't know what to do anymore. I have had the last five days off in a row - and it's a good thing because I have not been in any sort of "functioning" mode. I have never experienced any emotion quite like this one!
It's not necessarily "suicidal" but it sure is a deep and dense sense of hopelessness and confusion, the deepest sense of loss I have ever experienced. Here I am, in my apartment, writing this, smelling his scent, still; sleeping in the same bed where we made love, while he is at home, sleeping with his wife but will get me a message in the morning, to say "I love you"....
oh yes, I could just cut him off; I could do that I suppose but I am an integral part of his world right now as he refuses to get help. So, I rationalize with myself: "Yes, you do love him enough to get through this....yes, you are strong enough to handle this...." I am not so sure I am anymore. I have never been so devistated. Maybe I would do him a favor? By cutting him off? But I don't think so - how could I ever live with that? Not after all this time.
I told him: "The only shame in getting help is not asking for it..." But he doesn't want to ruin his redeployment, in anyway.
So, what? I try to love and care for someone with PTSD and suddenly, "I" acquire it? I just don't know what to do anymore and thought that maybe reaching out was one way of finding a little solace....reaching out to minds and people who kind of understand.
It is so difficult for me to explain this situation. Since last April, up until now, he and I talked all the time....the line of communication was open 24/7 - since he left, we hardly communicate anymore - he even told me he made a mistake marrying his wife, when it should have been me. Being the truly honorable man he is, he is committed to his relationship even though I know he loves me. Doesn't want to hurt her. Imagine that?
It's so hard now that the phone doesn't ring anymore; that I don't see the "message light" on my computer - as frequently. Maybe I did a good job of helping him put his feet on the ground, (which I doubt) but I have been blown off my feet with a bazooka and I don't know how to get the proper frame of mind to forge ahead. I feel like I have died inside over all this and finding another man in my life, just won't do; that is not an option. Not after all of this. I made a concious decision to love him, right or wrong, through all the good and the bad and just "hope" that someday he will find his way to unravel all the roadblocks between us and find his way back.
I don't bother him - he is the one who keeps in touch with me. His concious will start bothering him or he will have a dream about us and he will call to see if I am alright....to tell me he loves me; or I am the perfect woman - loving him right or wrong; to tell me he wished I were his wife....there is no doubt in my mind or in my heart, this man loves me. That is what is so difficult about all of this.
Since he left Thanksgiving morning, I have only been able to muster the strength to hug his pillow and literally ball my eyes out. No appetite - no desire to function in anyway whatsoever. Oh sure, I suppose I could get some counseling - but it won't change anything-not really; will it?
He goes to the VA Hospital, all the time, at my insistance - is on no medications; they do nothing for him. Shouldn't they be able to see his condition or maybe they do and just don't care? It is so very evident.
I don't care about anything else at this point but saving his life. All the rest is inconsequential to me. If I could lay down my life to keep him from going, I would. I sware I would. It's just too bad his wife doesn't feel the same way and will let the house fall into foreclosure ....instead of pushing him back there to earn a living. He is incapable of earning a living with the way his demeanor currently is, in our society. The man can barely function.
So, there - that's pretty much my story; my introduction...
anyone have any suggestions for finding myself again? For finding the strength I had before I let this soldier into my life and my world? For helping him a little more? Maybe there is something I can do now to turn this all around for him....any suggestions?
I am just at a loss anymore but I know that message will come again this morning, telling me "I love you"...this is so hard on me....
Thanks for reading and for listening.
Love to you all who are experiencing the same kinds of things.
Please pray for him and for all our service members.
I love him so very much.
I am sure there are a lot of you out there that can help me find some strength, encouragement and I sure could use it right now.
