PTSD, Trauma, & Themes - Betrayal

[Ecdysis]

I suspect that there is no real objective way to classify betrayal cos it's even more subjective than most things.

There are many things that have been taken from me that stung, but where I've been like "meh" cos I could see it coming and felt able to protect myself in some way - for example by emotionally numbing.

The few incidents that really rise to the level of betrayal for me are things I didn't expect in a million years and are things that felt incredibly tender, sensitive, deep, personal.

So, it's utterly subjective IMO... Even tho 2 incidents in my life seem very similar, even tho a neutral onlooker may consider event X to be worse than event Y, it's event Y that does me in and leaves me feeling like I won't ever really recover from it cos the betrayal cut so deep in ways I didn't even know I could be hurt, until it happened.

 

[Freddyt]

This is something I find complicated. Who "should" I be able to trust?

People who take on a career caring for or protecting other people, who take an oath to follow a code. People who you are forced to trust because you can not care for yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry @Friday I can't do this justice because I haven't read all the posts, and I don't really think of betrayal per se for myself. But I do recall Gottman said trust is like a fan, and each individual has things on it: can I trust you (X)- for example, to put me before your mother?; to be there when I'm sick?; to be faithful?, etc etc, small or large and unique. He said betrayal is when that any of those are broken.

But IDK, I suppose trust broken is betrayal as he said, but I think it comes in a way to loyalty. But then loyalty or betrayal is built often slowly over time he also said, meaning there needs to be context and also accountability for everyone involved. And perspective, and communication and realistic exxpectations without being selfish or self-centered. I can say my body betrays me because it falls apart, but did I ever give it credit for all that it's done, all I put it through, my genetics and environment? And do I recognize I'm not a new model car off the lot, lol? (Hope that makes sense. ).

ETA, I realize betrayal per se per person can run the gamut from most minor to life-altering major. I think it's often more complicated than it might appear on the surface. But also as you said because it often underlies a component of many life altering traumas I think triggers can have a large part. Like if I lost the use of my right hand from a hot stove element I will probably be gun shy or over-react when I have my left hand in too-hot water.

 

[No More]

Betrayal for me only comes in when it’s someone in a position of trusted responsibility. Teachers, cops, doctors etc.
The rest of the general population, no.

I’m not expected to trust immediately when making friends, at work etc. It’s built over time, I can choose how much or how little of myself to give. People in positions of responsibility it’s expected that immediately you should trust, give them intimate details, place your safety with them regardless of how you feel about trusting that particular person. That’s when betrayal comes into it, and why I am angry and disillusioned and frustrated with it all, because the SHOULD have looked out for me, or at the very least, not actively harmed me.

 

[Survivor3]

I've felt betrayed by several people in my life. It f*cking hurts when certain people that are supposed to care about you behave in a way that puts the knife in. Family for instance. My dad is really bad for it. The abusive violent alcoholic. My mum for not leaving him, allowing him to abuse us through out our lives. My brother not respecting the honour of the family bond. For competing with me and not helping me. For working with specific people that caused me harm rather than thinking "f*ck you, you hurt and caused my brother damage, I'm not having anything to do with you".

And then there's my ex-girlfriend. Rebecca, the now doctor. She was my soul mate. I trusted and respected her. It hurt as a child when we split up but that never really mattered. I actually really liked one of her new boyfriends. But anyway we remained close into our early 20's. I can feel the emotional confusion and wave rising as I write this. I was just a witness to their egos. She's a liar and can't except that she f*cked up and our bond was broken by her and her families behaviour because I wouldn't be used by them anymore.

I am now free. Happy and free.

 

[Nixx]

Betrayal for me only comes in when it’s someone in a position of trusted responsibility. Teachers, cops, doctors etc.
The rest of the general population, no.

I’m not expected to trust immediately when making friends, at work etc. It’s built over time, I can choose how much or how little of myself to give. People in positions of responsibility it’s expected that immediately you should trust, give them intimate details, place your safety with them regardless of how you feel about trusting that particular person. That’s when betrayal comes into it, and why I am angry and disillusioned and frustrated with it all, because the SHOULD have looked out for me, or at the very least, not actively harmed me.

Same with me, like exactly. My community and the people who literally took me as their charge are supposed to stop and prevent abuses, not actively ignore them or at its worst, enable and possibly even encourage it.
I do have alot of contempt for most athority figures. Religious leaders, police, goverment officials, all part of a negliant bloated beaucracy more worried about saving their own skins than actually doing theor f*cking jobs.
I dont go so far as to believe in slme evil conspiricy and cover up of bad things at lage, that doesn't happen. But decay and neglience don't occur because of some scheming evil genius.

 

[Rose White]

I think betrayal has something to do with investing time/money/energy in a relationship, seeking validation for your own value/worth in that person/relationship, and then something happens that ruptures the relationship. The betrayal is a sense of wanting all your investment back and a sense of wanting flee or fight the person/relationship. It’s a sense of recognizing that the person/relationship is not delivering what you believe you have “paid” for.

Which makes sense to me for adult relationships and relationships of children as relative equals, but is a little harder for me to apply that to a caregiver abusing a child and then at some point (if lucky) the child as an adult realizing the betrayal. What was the investment of the child? I think it was something like their innocence and love, which they gave freely but deserved protection for that.

 

[Rose White]

something happens that ruptures the relationship

Something happens *that you attribute as caused or created* by that person in the relationship that you invested in.

Which, now that I think of it, accounts for self-betrayal—attributing the cause or creation of a perceived rupture or event to yourself and then withdrawing care or punishing yourself as a way to remove all that you’ve invested in yourself. Telling yourself you don’t deserve this, that, or the other thing because you betrayed yourself.

Maybe that’s one reason parts work is so helpful, to step outside of that crushing self-betrayal dynamic.

 

[Freddyt]

Something happens *that you attribute as caused or created* by that person in the relationship that you invested in.

Or something we can not understand because of how the prefrontal cortex is affected by trauma.

It's where I said to my T we are a little like Psychopaths. They see and imitate what they don't understand, we are the same in a way because we have problems understanding complex emotions and personal interactions. After trauma what we understand is tainted with fear and anxiety first.......and may be tainted by anger or depression as well.

And now I write that, it makes me wonder if that plays into developing a sense of self......because being a frightened confused person who has trouble making sense of things, feeding themselves, holding a job, eating, sleeping, and life in general...is a difficult thing.

And how incredibly fortunate I really am in life................despite all that. And maybe being smart is what has saved me and is a bigger part of my self worth than I ever thought it was. Because I have when I had to used that to get places in life, being able to think like Sherlock Holmes and taking away what it isn't until you get to what is must be............and my accident leaving me like a dog with a bone, determined I could do it.......spending 20 minutes trying to thread a needle before turning it around so the open eye faced me and putting the thread in from behind.....

 

[Friday]

For me… A betrayal means I trust someone, who owes allegiance to me, and they’ve broken that trust. For reasons that do not mitigate their actions.

 

[Sideways]

who owes allegiance to me

Oof! “Owes” packs a bit of a punch! Or do i just have low standards for the people in my life?

 

[scout86]

I'm with @Sideways on that. I have a hard time believing anyone "owes" me anything unless we're talking about a business transaction.