Ptsd vs. isolation.. Or both. TIME FLIES. How to break out?

[Brandelynn]

Was reading a closed thread d/t time since last response. I googled my title to this on purpose and it brought me to this site. My ENTIRE life got destroyed all in one fail swoop 9 yrs ago and have been stuck since. Just a smudge blur of nothing happening except my children growing up watching it. I only have about 20 yrs left of my life and i have 3 children so the last, worst thing that could ever happen is me lying on my death bed is them looking down at me so disappointed and the thought of that kind of regret and guilt could kill me within itself.. I lost my career, my roles, all of my people (except for the very small ones who depend on me), my dreams, and everything else back in 2009. Horrible things happened and I lost "me" completely. I gotta get out of this. It may sound like a "choice" to some, but those are the people that I pray never do "get to" understand it, because it's one of those things that you can't until you're there. And what's worse is that I agree with them in a way, because just because I'm experiencing it doesnt mean I condone it. Recently I've taken a few really big flying risks and now realize that SOMETIMES the line between bravery and stupidity can be very thin. Like being brave enough to cross half of the country and live in a van for 4 months to fight for your kids and not completely moving out of your apartment first is brave but stupid. But hey, I had to just jump (very ungracefully) or I would have never left my apartment again. Well I'm back to finish up the apartment, but now I have to actually move there permanently and I AM TERRIFIED. I don't know if I can even make a living there financially! Denver is scary expensive! Trying so hard, as haphazardly as possible. Any thoughts?? PTSD is real and the world ain't no joke!! I can't die here like this and blow my life.. My kids need me now.

Sometimes I think I overestimate myself and try to remember who and how strong I was, then while I'm in motion it becomes suddenly obvious to me that I don't have all of those gifts anymore. I try to run and fall flat on my face. Kind of like being determined to read something and then realizing you lost your glasses but can't wrap your mind around it to accept it because that would be counterproductive.

 

[Skywatcher]

How do you know you only have 20 more years? About the other stuff, have you made a pros/cons list? How old are your kids? Are they old enough to give an opinion on their needs? Have you looked for a support group? Therapy?

 

[Keming]

Something for reading. Negative thinking can sneak up on a person - and it's not just advice to "think happy thoughts." Distortions warp our realities. We can do this.
Cognitive Distortions

 

[Deanna]

Denver is vert big and over-flowing with possibilities. It's worth doing something different.. For you. That was the plan. I think you're just freaking out a little bit because change is scary.