Public Startle Reflex/flashback Episode

[Scarlet25]

Hi everyone,
I had an experience today that has left me feeling totally unraveled and fearful and I need some help processing it and understanding it.

I was at a graduate school seminar all weekend, and we actually just finished a few hours ago. The director decided to conclude the seminar with an exercise where everyone stood in a circle took a balloon, inflated it, threw in into the center of the room and then, one by one, people grabbed a balloon and popped it.

I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 8 and now I am in my mid-twenties. I haven't had a flashback or panic in years. But as soon as the first balloon was popped, I felt really startled and stared shaking. I had this horrible fear in my chest that I hadn't felt in years. My feet were glued to the floor and even though my instinct was to run from the room I tried to get myself to calm down and not draw attention to myself. But, as each person proceeded to pop a balloon, it just got worse and worse. I was shaking uncontrollably, became hot, had a running play-by-play of my trauma in my head, and then started sobbing uncontrollably in a room full of people. We were all standing in a circle too so it was extremely mortifying but I just couldn't stop being terrified and panicked. As you can imagine, everyone looked at me.

I am still shaken up and super jumpy. I have no idea why this suddenly came back or even if this is a part of my PTSD. I was diagnosed with PTSD and given medication and very brief therapy as a kid (I was in foster care and never really got quality therapy) and I was told that it would just go away with time. It hadn't 'gone away' but it had become manageable. This however felt extreme, out of control and I'm not even sure what it was that caused my reaction- I hate loud, sudden sounds but I KNEW that the balloons were going to be popped.

Anyhow, I guess I am looking to see if anyone has experienced something like this- or a sudden return of severe PTSD symptoms after years of only mild symptoms? I'm sitting here scared that it'll happen again and I don't know what to do or who to turn to. Thank you in advanced for your input.

 

[stuff]

I had a similar thing happen last summer. I was at a BBQ and we were grilling stuff potluck style. I opened the lid and the entire BBQ fell apart. It was scary, and I was obviously shaken by it, but then I had a full blown flashback episode, and was dissociating in the middle of a party, bawling my eyes out. I couldn't understand why it was effecting me so much, until I realized the feelings I was feeling were the same feelings I'd had as a little kid after I had an accidental mishap at a friend's house. The punishment was severe, and I think my head just popped into that mode. "Oh crap, you wrecked it. You're gonna get it now." It was terrifying and I was with a group of people I barely knew. I managed to sneak away eventually after locking myself in a bathroom for half an hour trying to calm myself down enough that I could drive. It took me two days to recover.

I'm so sorry this happened. I hate that feeling. I know that my PTSD seems to come and go in waves. I can be really good for long periods of time and then a little thing will hit me like a rocket out of left field. I think therapy has helped with that in that I have pretty good coping skills now. I still get upset because I will burst into tears out of nowhere from time to time, usually on the bus. It's embarrassing, and I hate it, but I loved my therapists take on it. She told me to buy sunglasses. You can't control when it's going to happen but you can look classy while doing it. :) Now I'm just the girl in dark movie star shades quietly sobbing on the back of the bus. Not to make light of your situation, but I feel like PTSD can be a mixed bag. I know I never quite know what I'm going to get from day to day/month to month/year to year, but I have ammo.

 

[Scarlet25]

Thanks so much for the response, your experience sounds a lot like mine.

One of the things I am puzzled by is that I can't really relate the balloon popping to my childhood or the supposed cause of my PTSD. I suppose that when I was a kid, a loud sound usually meant I was in trouble and/or someone was going to hurt (and sometimes that something had been thrown or a belt was being snapped) but I am confused because the balloon sound wasn't unexpected. It's like, if you had expected that BBQ to collapse- you may have been prepared and not been so frightened...maybe? I don't know. I honestly don't feel I know enough about PTSD to know what's normal or not.

The fact that I was aware that it was going to be loud, and I was fully conscious of when/where each balloon would pop and what it would sound like, and I STILL had a flashback and disassociated makes me really nervous. The sound wasn't a huge shock- I was expecting it and it still set me off.

It makes me wonder if something else (expected or otherwise) is going to cause the same reaction or if it's not uncommon for people to be triggered by things, even if they know they're going to happen?

 

[stuff]

I think it probably comes down to amygdala response. You might be fully aware that something is going to happen, but the logic of knowing can't really out run your fight or flight response to the situation. It was helpful to talk to somebody about that stuff because I have a better understanding of why I respond to certain stimuli the way I do. A lot of the time the lizard brain just kind of does what it wants and then you have to reason with it after the fact.

 

[JustBe]

I hate balloons popping or anything that triggers the startle reflex. It sends me into a panic too. Plus, you were in a social situation and the "leader" had the control.

 

[pogo]

You shouldn't feel sorry for the trauma you endured. I hate firecrackers and people tapping me on the back. I can jump out of my skin with a tap.

You might never know what caused the association with balloons popping, but you know what might be the reaction and maybe you have means to control it in future. Perhaps you can have balloon-popping party with friends to confront the trigger and just stomp the heck out of the balloons for the misery you just suffered. It might work.

When i panic in social situation like this, I try to ground myself in present reality. I might do it in Dick-n-Jane language. "look, it's a balloon, it's a red balloon. " It's not self-derisive. It's taking a situation that could be emotionally explosive and making it more objective and allowing me to take control over it. I try to disassociate. When I do that, sometimes I can defeat the gremlin prowling about my mind. Sometimes I just bluntly state the obvious-- it could be, "I have PTSD and balloon-popping freaks me"

It does two things-- it puts the situation in perspective and allows communication to others. It opens communication, but attacks the demon inside at same time. It's not irrational. You may never know the cause of the trigger, but you might have the ability to convert a very bad situation into a good one or gain control of the anxiety by simply stating your aversion to balloon-popping.

Graduate school is extremely stressful, so it could be the accumulation of stress that's built up, but it's very rough situation and now you should be a bit more gentle to yourself. As for sudden reemergence, it wouldn't be PTSD if it didn't show its ugly head.

I think some demons just like to torment us.
Most demons don't listen to reason or logic, so they make life quite difficult, I find.


If some colleagues were there that you knew fairly well, you might want to touch base with them and if they ask, be dead honest with them. It may help to rebuild your confidence and give you additional support.

 

[Lucasta]

Ugh. You're a braver woman than I- I would have been all "aw heck no!" and left the room when the professor brought out the balloons.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. And, (I'm basically quoting my therapist here) just because you had an episode doesn't mean you're not still getting better and moving forward.

 

[Anna]

Yes I have.

The other day someone came up behind me. I screamed really loudly and started to shake. It was really really embarressing. I cannot believe the startle reflex is this strong after so many years.