Pull The Trigger Or Not

[Casey_03]

So some of you are aware of my situation, some not so much. Brief recap: I'm pregnant and the father was emotionally abusive and abandoned me when he found out. Basically he used emotional abuse and threats to try to force me to get an abortion. I'm now further along and we have not been in touch. He had promised to send me a monthly stipend for the baby, which is greatly needed because i am not granted maternity leave. Now, in addition to me needing help financially, I need him to tell me his family's history of medical conditions; the doctor said it will help with determining possible complications for the baby, delivery, etc. I messaged him politely asking for him to answer this question and he has ignored me for several days. He is undoubtedly continuing to try to punish me for getting pregnant and choosing to keep the baby. My question is this - should i contact his mother to notify her of the situation and ask for the family's medical history? She is not aware that she is going to have a grandchild. I know this would be quite drastic, but if he is refusing to cooperate, i don't know what else to do. I am just worried that if i do this, it will make things uglier and nastier than they already are, and he may feel he has to "retaliate" by contacting my relatives, colleagues and boss. He has threatened in the past to send out a sex tape we made to all my close relatives and everyone from my work.

 

[Changing4Best]

You cannot control what he will or won't do with the tape. You can choose to tell his mother (I would, because she may help to keep him in line concerning his responsibilities as a father. Sometimes a mother is the only one who can control such a son a bit. I wish you the best and may the baby be healthy and your delivery be a smooth one.

 

[digger]

I need him to tell me his family's history of medical conditions; the doctor said it will help with determining possible complications for the baby, delivery, etc.

While it might be helpful to some degree, it is probably not essential information? Many people have babies without having any knowledge of their family's medical history. So I would say only pursue it if you are wanting his mother to be involved for some other reason. Otherwise, just tell the doctor that you don't have access to that information.

 

[Friday]

Personally... I would cut ties, now, if you enjoy your freedom. But that's me.

 

[Casey_03]

@digger I do want the mother to be aware, so she can be involved. Because she is the only possible guarantee that he will keep his word about child support. I already have spent hundreds of dollars for prenatal procedures and i won't have maternity leave once it is born. so her knowing about the situation would at least mean the family might help to some degree.

 

[Casey_03]

@FridayJones I would cut ties too ... if there weren't a baby at stake here. it's not really about me. if i do not get some financial support from him or his mother, i will have to give the baby up for adoption. that is the situation here.

 

[digger]

I do want the mother to be aware, so she can be involved. Because she is the only possible guarantee that he will keep his word about child support.

if i do not get some financial support from him or his mother, i will have to give the baby up for adoption

Okay that changes the question quite a bit then really. Have you met his mother before? Do you know what kind of person she is and whether contacting her is likely to have the outcome you are hoping for?

 

[Casey_03]

@digger I have never met her but know that she raised three boys alone after her husband was killed, so she knows what it means to be a single mother. I also was told that she would be excited about a grandchild and would drop everything and devote all her energy to it, so i'm guessing she would want to help in some way. i feel like she also deserves to know. it's just his reaction that i'm worried about; i know he will try to "destroy my life" if i contact her because he will interpret it as me trying to one-up him somehow ... but really, maybe it's something that has to be done.

 

[digger]

It's a really tough decision.

My situation was slightly different in that I was still with the father of my child when he was born (we split when he was a year old) so his parents already knew, but despite my ex being a violent abusive dick, I am grateful for his parents having a part in my son's life. It would possibly have been easier in terms of having to deal with the father less though, had they not been involved...

Personally, I wouldn't rely on it for financial support though - that made no difference at all in my case, he's never paid a penny, and though his parents helped out from time to time, it wasn't a regular thing and I didn't expect it to be.
I'd say, if you do it, do it because you think she has a right to know and because you think it will enrich your child's life having her in it. But yes, expect fallout from him in the process - she may not have the influence on him to be able to do anything about that or his willingness to pay support.

 

[watundah]

I don't think the mother will have miraculous power to make this guy man up or he wouldn't be acting like a scum bag now. As in, his mamma dint raise him right.

To be blunt, I wouldn't count on a dime from this guy unless you go through the legal system.

Like others, I would cut all ties to get a healthy start on this next journey of your life. Do you really want him bumping along creating havoc for the next 18+ years?

 

[Casey_03]

@watundah i don't think she would make him man up; i think she might offer some amount of financial support herself. if i cut all ties, that means giving the baby up for adoption. those are my choices here. and if i have to give it up, i need to take action now to do that. so i'm up against a wall here -- i either get some idea from her about whether or not she can offer financial assistance to some extent (at least during the several months when i have maternity leave), or i just begin the process to give the child up.

 

[digger]

i think she might offer some amount of financial support herself. if i cut all ties, that means giving the baby up for adoption. those are my choices here.

I'm sure you've already thought of this, but.... if the essence of what you say to her is that without financial support from either her son or herself you will be giving the child up for adoption, would that not open the door for her to file for adoption herself, or encourage her son to go for custody? Presumably if you feel she has the right to know she has a grandchild, she also has the right to know that you are considering adoption? How would you feel about either of those options? I am imagining that would not be an outcome you'd want?
I really feel for the position you're in, but concerned that your going about it this way might give you even more problems, not just the ones you are concerned about already from your ex.

Just trying to imagine from her point of view, taking into consideration that she doesn't know you and may only have her son's opinion of you to go off, if she learns about a grandchild potentially being given up for adoption.