Purgatory

[Kay-Os]

I'm 34.
I face a f*cked up Quandary.
Several really...

But I feel like I'm too much of a nobody for anything really.
I have no motivation for good things like... ever
I'm alone. But that's cool... I mean, some of us just aren't cut out for love.
I'm a female, struggle with addictive phases...
I want to connect with people... but I seem to attract shallow people; that don't give a crap about mental connection.
I don't at this stage want a relationship... I don't want sex. I'm probably numb... but I want connection... thing is, it requires a certain vulnerability. Which I'm unwilling to give.

It's all hopeless really. Some days are ok. I can find solace in myself... other days I don't believe in myself or anyone.

Nothing excites me
Not interested in my interests
Not interested in myself

Everything's empty.

Is this common for C-PTSD?

 

[henamedmeowl]

I have c-ptsd too...I want to be connected too but my partner only cares about physical touch and pretty much ignores or tries to suppress the rest of me. When he touches me I feel sick and have been reeling from him being all over me last night..I don't know if this is because of the c-ptsd or because of my sexually traumatic background.If I felt accepted and understood I would be able to let someone touch and not feel disgusted or empty or used...I'm alone but with someone and I would rather be free and on my own than locked in a cage like this where only one part of me matters. Day to day I have to find reasons to be here and they are pretty much nonexistent...right now "freedom" is the only concept that propels me forward though at a painstakingly slow pace.

This:

"Nothing excites me
Not interested in my interests
Not interested in myself

Everything's empty. "

is the same for me too...I have tried to seek out novel experiences lately this has lead to driving at dangerous speeds and doing other unhealthy things. I'm sorry you're hurting so much...sometimes I feel like I will always hurt.