Sufferer Pushing Loved Ones Away

[AKZ]

Hi all,
My mom died 20 days ago, and I pushed my fiancé away by breaking up with her and caused her so much pain. I have been working on pushing loved ones away for about two years now, and I thought I have been on the top of it. But when my life was shared by my mom's death, I did it again. Am I ever gonna heal and stop pushing people I love away!

 

[blackemerald1]

Hello @AKZ Welcome to this forum. I hope you find it supports you in finding the answers that you are looking for.
I am sorry your mother passed away, my sincere condolences.
Yes, if you read through this forum, many members write about pushing people they love away; there are lots of reasons why this happens.

Maybe you will find some insight regarding why you are doing this. It is difficult to understand. But you are not alone.

Go easy on yourself during the pain of bereavement.

 

[glass half full]

Hi all,
My mom died 20 days ago, and I pushed my fiancé away by breaking up with her and caused her so much...

AKZ: condolences on the loss of your mom, this is a surely a very difficult time for you. Will you learn not to push loved ones away? Hopefully, yes. The fact that you are aware that this was not a good choice and are acknowledging that fact is very positive. Can you tell your fiancee what you have posted here? If she has educated herself about your struggles she may already understand what motivated you. Tell her. Speaking from my own experience in dealing with a BF with cptsd, I would be very receptive to him reaching back out to me once my initial hurt had eased up.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi and Welcome to the forum.
I hope you find the information on here helpful and the people supportive - I know I have!
Regards, Lucy x

 

[ladee]

@ AKZ, I do the same thing when I am in a lot of pain. I just want to be alone to process. I think sometimes it's because that is when I feel way too vulnerable to be around people. I really don't know how to 'receive' what people say and do when I am hurting. I get confused and very hard on myself. So, to me, that is self care. But I do understand what you are saying. We need them but don't want them... maybe you and I can learn this lesson together.... I know it's not a good choice. But for now, it's all I have... sending you energy to take care of yourself right now..... and a reminder that you are not alone in what you are feeling and questioning.

 

[blackemerald1]

Well explained @ladee!! I could not have said it better, in regard to myself.
I have had to learn this the hard way, though come to think of it, is there any other way? I do wish I had known I was doing it, long before I realised that I was. But even then, would I have been able to stop... I don't know. Would the people I loved have been able to understand... I don't expect so. Not because I was unlovable. Maybe, a lot of people just do not have any idea of the trauma (s) I suffered through; maybe I was too good at hiding my pain & the 'cyclic' nature of what I was doing. Back in times when I was becoming unwell. I didn't even know I was unwell & when others fell around me, I did feel compassion for them but didn't recognise what was happening to them, was also happening to me. In the end I had no idea that I was suffering from PTSD and I don't think it was acceptable to admit it privately or let it be known.
So, to avoid letting it leak out & be put through a whole load of crap by family, friends & colleagues I alienated myself from people I loved, to protect myself & later to protect them from me.
I made myself unlovable. It was easier that way. Easier to be regarded as a hard person to crack, even when I was so damaged already.
Now, when I need someone to accept me, with this habit of pushing them away because I am in distress & need time as you put it to process...it's not surprising that they don't want to know why I pushed them away. They are confused, do not wish to be hurt again... who would? But I have times when the loneliness crushes the desire to be alone. But I withdraw anyway because I cannot work out how to behave differently & not hurt or be hurt by others.
So @AKZ you are in the right place to explore what might be your reasons for pushing people you love away but I hope you find out sooner than later. I hope you find another path to stop doing this to yourself & others. I also recommend getting a Qualified Therapist or Psychiatrist to help you stop doing this.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

Hello welcome to the forum. I know how it feels to push people away, I do it out of fear. Whenever someone got close to me they died so I put a barrier between me and the people I love. I hope this forum helps you as much as it has helped me.

 

[EveHarrington]

I push people away, too. It's a protection mechanism. I try to protect myself; I try to protect them.

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Suzetig]

Welcome to the forum @AKZ, there are lots of very knowledgable, supportive people here as evidenced by folk who have contributed to your thread already. I hope you find the help you need.

 

[intothelight]

@AKZ Welcome to the forum!

There are a lot of reasons that people push others away and I hope you find your reason. I also hope you find this forum helpful in your own recovery.

 

[hangingon]

As someone who is pushed away by a sufferer, I've run through every emotion. But I began reading, learning, becoming more educated on reactions & symptoms of PTSD. I have definitely made progress in being empathetic rather than upset. It still hurts and I still never know if things are really over or if its just a break. But the best thing I know is communication. When my man tells me how he feels its so much easier to take and to be supportive in the right ways rather than just disapearing. If your loved ones are unaware of your suffering or how to deal with it, they need to seek education and support as well

 

[ladee]

@hangingon.... absolutely.... it is a different kind of relationship... and for the supporter, to educate them self makes things so much easier to communicate.... doesn't take away the roller coaster ride effect, but does help you to not stay hurt... I am always amazed at people who can maintain a relationship with Sufferers..... what courage and love that takes.... I am a Sufferer, and would not put anyone thru my mess, but kudos to you for 'hanging on'....