Pushing Through To Dissociated Memories

[Sandstone]

Therapy homework was to write about the time my husband was seriously mentally ill, planning suicide and seeing and hearing non-existent things. We'd talked about it in session, and I had relatively few and disjointed memories, but a few more came back as we talked.

I had a plan for how I was going to write - for the page layout and for the process - but when I tried to do it, I could recall nothing. I just looked into a mass of grey-beige nothingness. I tried recalling the things I'd already talked about, but they were inaccessible as well.

So two questions arise

• Should I try to push through to them or is this unsafe for me? In the past, trying to address traumas has led to chaotic suicide attempts, so I don't know if this justified fear or cowardice or just how my brain is set up
• If I should, what techniques might work? Would grounding techniques work? I'm not sure as I'm not dissociated from NOW, it's the past

 

[sun seeker]

I was about to suggest some techniques for jolting your memory, but then read this:

In the past, trying to address traumas has led to chaotic suicide attempts

... so I'm not going to. Have you done work in therapy that makes you confident you have grounding skills enough so this doesn't happen again? To me, your therapist should have addressed this issue before giving you the assignment.

 

[Friday]

I'm reminded of a line from the Princess Bride... Okay, technically part of a scene:

• Man in Black: You guessed wrong.
• Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia," but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line!" [He laughs hysterically, but suddenly freezes mid-laugh and dies; the Man in Black removes Buttercup's blindfold]
• Buttercup: Who are you?
• Man in Black: I am no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know.
• Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
• Man in Black: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.

When death is on the line? Fight smart. And fight dirty. If you feel confident you've built up an immunity to your suicidal tendencies when pushing through memories? Have at. If not? Death is on the line. Wait a week & write it out in your therapy session. Or, maybe one better, call & book a double session so you have time to write it out & have your normal session.

 

[shimmerz]

I could recall nothing. I just looked into a mass of grey-beige nothingness. I tried recalling the things I'd already talked about, but they were inaccessible as well.

What about externalizing it a bit? I mean, we dissociate as a way to externalize something that is too painful. So change it around.

Nobody said what you HAD to write about it. So write about the colour of his hair. It was purple right? With pink streaks? And somehow he had isolated the pink streaks to stick upright, while the purple streaks laid flat? Something that changes the 'seriousness' of it all. A picture that will stay in your mind to lighten the memories.

You know it is not true that his hair was purple (or whatever else you can think of), but it may change the connections in your brain to be less 'horrible'. And with time, perhaps the memories will be more accessible. Little serious ones can sneak in.....

Just a thought.

 

[sun seeker]

So write about the colour of his hair. It was purple right? With pink streaks? And somehow he had isolated the pink streaks to stick upright, while the purple streaks laid flat? Something that changes the 'seriousness' of it all. A picture that will stay in your mind to lighten the memories.

I love this idea. Think I'll borrow it.

 

[Sandstone]

So my body took over when I went to therapy. I'd explained I had been very out of it all week and not been able to do the homework. She said we'd look at that , and then maybe move on to identify which of the big T traumas was least major.

Before I knew what was happening, I was up and leaving, saying "No that won't be happening it isn't safe I can't do it"
She pursued me, but I kept going, first dropping things and shouting at myself for incompetence, then when she continued to pursue shouting at her to leave me alone and focus on people who could be treated within their timescales

The trouble is, I don't know where that reaction came from. I don't know if it can be trusted. Is it an aspect of myself that wants to avoid, so I should push through anyway? ( Someone posted recently about protector parts???) Or is it the truth that I can't recognise most of the time?

I'll probably post in the Therapy section about the therapeutic process side of it, so if possible could this thread be about accessing and recognising the truth when I've dissociated from it? (Assuming anyone can think of anything to say)