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Trouble Pushing Through

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I have been depressed for months and currently struggling. I'm working retail and barely getting by and waiting for me to transfer to college. Saying that my last semester at my two-year college was stressful is an understatement. I am trying to get my life together, at least I got a car, but I am still affected by flashbacks and traumatic memories.

I currently am reaching 2 years in my relationship and I am happy with them, but whenever I bring up my traumatic memories, it is a hard conversation to navigate. Whenever I discuss my traumatic experiences with others, people either tend to overlook my trauma ("Oh well, I think we all go through trauma in our childhood. It's normal and nothing special now.") or deny that anyone can experience trauma with a family member.

I lack support as of right now but I choose not to tell anyone any details from my past out of fear of abandonment or being dismissed.

I recently caught a scent that reminded me of when my father dragged me onto the floor and proceeded to lay on top of me. My boyfriend has calmed me down, but my head is still pounding and I feel heavy. If I didn't have cPTSD, I wonder if my life would be a lot easier.

My boyfriend worries that our relationship will worsen as a result of this and I don't know how to console him. I want him to know that I love him and that when I experience traumatic memories I might need some space and it isn't his fault.
 
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hello lilac. welcome to the forum. i missed your intro post while i was on a road trip, so i thought i'd welcome you here, instead.

on my own recovery road, loved ones, friends and associates make lousy therapy supporters. they are entirely too intertwined in my life for the objectivity i gain from my peer support network. may they never have the experience to understand the inside scoop on living with ptsd. peer support, such as what i find in support groups like this one --both live and online-- make all the difference in my coping. i hope it helps you, too.

welcome aboard. you are not alone.
 
My boyfriend worries that our relationship will worsen as a result of this and I don't know how to console him. I want him to know that I love him and that when I experience traumatic memories I might need some space and it isn't his fault.
Sounds like he is worried about himself, and not you.
 
I currently am reaching 2 years in my relationship and I am happy with them, but whenever I bring up my traumatic memories, it is a hard conversation to navigate.
For me, it’s usually not about detailing my trauma in these sorts of conversations. Most people find the information very distressing, and have no training in how to handle that kind of information in a helpful way.

Sometimes talking about how I’m doing, rather than why I’m struggling, is more helpful. Understanding that I’m struggling and need support is often more helpful for me.

Whenever I’m disclosing very difficult information, I always base the conversation around “what do I want the person to do with this information?”
I lack support as of right now but I choose not to tell anyone any details from my past out of fear of abandonment or being dismissed.
This is definitely where my personal priorities would be. Depending on where you are in the world, there’s often free and low cost local supports that can help out (even if they can’t resolve the underlying mental health condition). You don’t have to struggle through this alone.
 
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