Relationship Q For Sufferers : How someone with ptsd feels when they push away the person they love most?

alexa4555

New Here
the hardest period after almost a year of relationship. There were signs of hot and cold from the first day. After the first few weeks, he distanced himself and told his friends that he didn't want to hear from me anymore, only that I told him that I wanted to spend time with him. After 3 days in which he barely wrote me, he told me that he had made this decision because he thought that only he would take the initiative in the relationship. A totally wrong assumption. and in that night he told me he love me for the very first time. I cannot understand how can you love someone and you want to stay away from him. Anyway after that moment we had a very nice time together, we got engage and in every month we went in city breaks, moments when i saw the happiest man in the world.

But this month all became a nightmare, when after some things that i told him he said that he love me like crazy but we need to broke up. Knowing the situation with the assumption that happened at the beginning of our relationship I stayed. I fought with him every day trying to show him that when we say family we fight for that, it was so hard for me. after that he thanked me for showing him that. And now I am mentally tired, I know that this will be hard to handle for long term. But I love him like never before and I feel that he loves me too, so I try to give him space, to be always in good mood. He had a neglect childhood , and I see him that is very sensitive and had a lot on his mind, but from time to time he is asking me "hey isn't that we really have a good life?" and also when he acts like a child he is so happy, i can see a child that no one took care of him, I can t ask him to be a man, but sometimes I need him to be one. Also, sex it s so good but it only happens when he is in good mood, and i need more.

I need to know what do you need from the person that is staying with you despite your hot and cold moment? Do you want a stable relationship? Do you fight for that?

Is sad that at our first conflict he went out partying, and home is was crying. It's so easy to detach?

I can't leave the man I love, I know that this is the only reason for that is good to fight in life, but i can't fight with him, I need him in my team. And we are a great one.
 
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alexa4555

New Here
Stay or go you have to choose what brings the least regret. Loving him but also affording loving yourself. He has to be the one to also take the reigns over managing his own condition. He told you he wants to take the initiative, that is his belief. If he does or he doesn't you will see for yourself. But you have also said there are things you won't accept. That is self awareness, but also what people come to learn as time goes on, sometimes. it's ok to want or need certain things. But doesn't mean there's always compatibility. Depends on what priority and effort and ability to do so is there for both people.
I want to stay of course, I didn't knew about this till last month so that's why I didn't knew how to behave. when he is in his good mood everything is perfect and our bound is so strong, we are like mirrors so maybe if it wasn't compatibility it was much easier, but ...
anyway thank you I learned a lot from everyone here and it's a real help for me
 
I just came back to say @alexa4555 , but I'm sorry I just can't (probably) find the right words, so if it's useless just disregard.

Speaking only for myself, being on both sides of the coin through my life: I wasted much time in one case supporting someone I shouldn't have. But it was never wasted support for those grieving or trying. The biggest difference was their behaviours (which said a lot about their feelings).

I wish someone had called me on my own pulling back or pushing away at times, but the kind ones were too kind and the negative ones didn't care. But all-in-all it might not have made a difference, unless there had been a very established relationship. I think the only way it would have survived would have been if there was trust and kindness there for a very very very long time. I don't believe in true love, but I believe love can be true. And that is not something fairy tales would ever dare touch on. It's often not pretty, and a lot of uncomfortable truths can surface, It's not nice to accept that I am an as*hole when I act like one. But, even if for reasons I don't intend, my actions are my own. As^holes make lousy partners.

I do think people that are the closest get the worst of it. It is wrong. And sometimes I wish I had been told to get my head out of my rear and Universe. I think a lack of sanity, and being unpredictable qualifies. It can be empathized with (sometimes), but the impact on others shouldn't be minimized. It might also result in pushback, but no one else should be put through that and have it called ok. It's not ok. And it's not loving. It's self (speaking for my self).
 
One last thing occurred to me today @alexa4555 , who am I or anyone to know?

I was thinking of past good people I left, they were terribly forgiving and always kept the door open. I thought that was because of their kindness, and gentleness of heart, and forgiveness, and I think it was. But I also wondered (for the 1st time ever), that it *might* have also been because what I thought of what a bad person I was, ,maybe wasn't as bad to them as I thought, or feared? But it only took a lifetime for it to occur to me.

A person has to follow their heart. Hope it works out for you.
 

alexa4555

New Here
One last thing occurred to me today @alexa4555 , who am I or anyone to know?

I was thinking of past good people I left, they were terribly forgiving and always kept the door open. I thought that was because of their kindness, and gentleness of heart, and forgiveness, and I think it was. But I also wondered (for the 1st time ever), that it *might* have also been because what I thought of what a bad person I was, ,maybe wasn't as bad to them as I thought, or feared? But it only took a lifetime for it to occur to me.

A person has to follow their heart. Hope it works out for you.
A person has to follow their heart. Hope it works out for you.
I will start with this because you made me smile. Till today I almost thought I am crazy to think like this when anyone is giving up so easy. So I will do this with all my heart/
I was thinking of past good people I left, they were terribly forgiving and always kept the door open. I thought that was because of their kindness, and gentleness of heart, and forgiveness, and I think it was. But I also wondered (for the 1st time ever), that it *might* have also been because what I thought of what a bad person I was, ,maybe wasn't as bad to them as I thought, or feared? But it only took a lifetime for it to occur to me.
They loved you as you are so you are a good one, no matter how you see yourself.
And speaking with you I remembered about how I used to see myself in the mirror when I was suffering from anorexia, I saw myself as very fat and I was excessively thin. And what helped me? that my brother always told me that I looked like a skeleton, that I was skin and bones. So I had him there everyday to tell me that,
Also today I am thin but I don't see myself as that, but I don't see myself fat anymore, but when everyone is telling me that I am thin I don't believe them because I don't see myself like that.
And now after this reminder I think I can understand so much how someone is seeing bad when he is magic.
And another thing I want to say about what you said here:
I was thinking of past good people I left, they were terribly forgiving and always kept the door open. I thought that was because of their kindness, and gentleness of heart, and forgiveness, and I think it was. But I also wondered (for the 1st time ever), that it *might* have also been because what I thought of what a bad person I was, ,maybe wasn't as bad to them as I thought, or feared? But it only took a lifetime for it to occur to me.
I have a dog, Akita America, when he had 4 months I asked my brother to come and stay with him 3 days, When he came to meet him I said to him that he can caress my dog, play with him. and guess what? the dog bit him (hard). Then I realized that if he lets me pet him, it doesn't mean that he behaves the same way with someone else. So I am the only person who can touch him, and also he need space, he wants to play from time to time, but he don't like hugs, he resist only 3-5 seconds :)) so there are so many similarities with my bf :))
When you love, you forgive, you forget, that's the power of love.

I just came back to say @alexa4555 , but I'm sorry I just can't (probably) find the right words, so if it's useless just disregard.

Speaking only for myself, being on both sides of the coin through my life: I wasted much time in one case supporting someone I shouldn't have. But it was never wasted support for those grieving or trying. The biggest difference was their behaviours (which said a lot about their feelings).

I wish someone had called me on my own pulling back or pushing away at times, but the kind ones were too kind and the negative ones didn't care. But all-in-all it might not have made a difference, unless there had been a very established relationship. I think the only way it would have survived would have been if there was trust and kindness there for a very very very long time. I don't believe in true love, but I believe love can be true. And that is not something fairy tales would ever dare touch on. It's often not pretty, and a lot of uncomfortable truths can surface, It's not nice to accept that I am an as*hole when I act like one. But, even if for reasons I don't intend, my actions are my own. As^holes make lousy partners.

I do think people that are the closest get the worst of it. It is wrong. And sometimes I wish I had been told to get my head out of my rear and Universe. I think a lack of sanity, and being unpredictable qualifies. It can be empathized with (sometimes), but the impact on others shouldn't be minimized. It might also result in pushback, but no one else should be put through that and have it called ok. It's not ok. And it's not loving. It's self (speaking for my self).

So true with people who are the closest get the worst, but you know what? they are the only one capable to stay, if someone not so close get the worst is out in one second. I think you had a lot in your life, and also I am thinking that maybe love has his tests. no one can resist at a lot of pushing back, also staying with someone who is acting like a asshole as you said, but why are they staying? because there is love, and love can't go away when you ask it to go, love is in you, and you put your love in others. So feelings are maybe more stubborn than our brains, which is great.

Another thing that I see is that after some bad experiences in life you loose trust and you are not able to give more. I know that after him I will not believe in love anymore and I will not trust anyone. Is like in that song Tom Odell- Another love. And that it's sad.
I also left some good people who made everything for me and my life was easy but I always felt that it's something that I'm missing, I didn't knew what but my instinct told me to leave. And now the same instinct for the first time is telling my to stay.

You did open my eyes about some thoughts and this is awesome I feel that I have increased my perspective. Thank you and hope you are following your heart too!
 

Freida

MyPTSD Pro
I need to know what do you need from the person that is staying with you despite your hot and cold moment? Do you want a stable relationship? Do you fight for that?
Nope. When I'm in that place my supporters can simply cease to exist. I'm too busy fighting the demons in my brain and trying to stay alive to worry about how someone else feels. My supporters can either accept living with that or not. Which I know sounds harsh and I don't mean it to. But it's the reality of my life in those moments.

I don't really need anything from them but space.
That being said - ptsd does not give us the right to be asshats or give us permission to abuse those around us.

I don't want to fix, I want to make his life easier,@ doing things to make him laugh or smile
Nope.
You can't make his life easier, and trying to make him smile or laugh is probably coming across as you wanting him to act "normal" or that you are dismissing the trauma as something that can simply be laughed away and he needs to get over how he is feeling and be happy for you instead.

And yes - I know that 's not what you are doing.
But from the sufferer side? That can be seen as exactly what you are doing.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
when anyone is giving up so easy.

You think people are giving up? It is more difficult and more loving to accept reality and let somebody go when they tell you their needs and wants.

When somebody with PTSD says they don’t want to be in a relationship because they cannot mentally and emotionally handle being in a relationship, that is a valid reason to end the relationship. If the sufferer says they just don’t want the relationship, that is also a valid reason. Trying force the relationship isn’t doing anything for the sufferer, it’s doing something for the supporter because *they* want the relationship.
 

alexa4555

New Here
Nope. When I'm in that place my supporters can simply cease to exist. I'm too busy fighting the demons in my brain and trying to stay alive to worry about how someone else feels. My supporters can either accept living with that or not. Which I know sounds harsh and I don't mean it to. But it's the reality of my life in those moments.

I don't really need anything from them but space.
That being said - ptsd does not give us the right to be asshats or give us permission to abuse those around us.


Nope.
You can't make his life easier, and trying to make him smile or laugh is probably coming across as you wanting him to act "normal" or that you are dismissing the trauma as something that can simply be laughed away and he needs to get over how he is feeling and be happy for you instead.

And yes - I know that 's not what you are doing.
But from the sufferer side? That can be seen as exactly what you are doing.
I am glad that I found this forum, I feel that I learned something so important, and thank you for this. I see the other perspective that I couldn't see till today.
So I'll give more and more space, if this is the only solution. It's sad that I can't help, you know I am feeling so sad that I can't do anything for him in this situation. And I want to see him happy for him. Because he deserve that. He is so wonderful and good. And I can give a lot of space for this. Thank you!

You think people are giving up? It is more difficult and more loving to accept reality and let somebody go when they tell you their needs and wants.

When somebody with PTSD says they don’t want to be in a relationship because they cannot mentally and emotionally handle being in a relationship, that is a valid reason to end the relationship. If the sufferer says they just don’t want the relationship, that is also a valid reason. Trying force the relationship isn’t doing anything for the sufferer, it’s doing something for the supporter because *they* want the relationship.
Yes, it sounds right as you said it. But I feel it's more than that, it's about finding the solution that works for both sides. He loves me a lot and for that I am capable to understand and do what he needs. If I just wanted a relationship maybe I wasn't here asking for any advice. It's only about love and I believe that this great felling can be put in a form that can make two people to be together no matter what differences are between them. It's not a relationship for me like I had or wanted before. But I take it as it is and I don't complain about that, because the feeling can't be compared with nothing. I think it's very important to know what someone is felling, what he needs and this will make everything easier. It's a road where when he's low I am there besides him, and the same thing is happening if I am low. That' s the magic of love and that's why it's easier in a team than alone. We will see what will happen, till then I have faith, patience and I believe that everything will be fine. I do my best. And yes I think that people are giving up easy these days. Take it as you want but this is the reality. I gave up only when my feelings were not strong and I didn't felt to have a family with someone. But giving up at someone thinking that he/she can have something better it's not fair, because it's not your choice it's their choice. Also giving up at someone you love with all your heart and it's mutual it's not fair. Anyway I do believe maybe too much in love and this is my only card to play but I respect the rules of the game
 

Charbella

Confident
I’m late to the party here so if this doesn’t help feel free to ignore it.

Personally I’m feeling NOTHING which may very well be the point, it is the way I can cut off a loved one. I force myself not to think about it, to not feel, then, we’ll it’s easy. Temporarily at least it doesn’t take much effort and I just go about the rest of my routine.

Long term it’s harder and I do feel regret and all kinds of other emotions, depending on what caused the rift to happen. I’m pretty loyal so things generally build for me until I can’t take it anymore and I just cut them off.

I wish any supporter could notice when things are bugging me and force a discussion, easier said then done though. A) I’m pretty impossible to read. B) I’m also not the best at communicating issues and therefore would avoid the conversation with every fiber of my being.

I do respond well to logic, if you own your part and point out mine, I’m likely to respond to that.
 

alexa4555

New Here
I’m late to the party here so if this doesn’t help feel free to ignore it.

Personally I’m feeling NOTHING which may very well be the point, it is the way I can cut off a loved one. I force myself not to think about it, to not feel, then, we’ll it’s easy. Temporarily at least it doesn’t take much effort and I just go about the rest of my routine.

Long term it’s harder and I do feel regret and all kinds of other emotions, depending on what caused the rift to happen. I’m pretty loyal so things generally build for me until I can’t take it anymore and I just cut them off.

I wish any supporter could notice when things are bugging me and force a discussion, easier said then done though. A) I’m pretty impossible to read. B) I’m also not the best at communicating issues and therefore would avoid the conversation with every fiber of my being.

I do respond well to logic, if you own your part and point out mine, I’m likely to respond to that.
welcome to the party:))
good to know, I thought about feeling nothing, in the end I realize that I can too cut people off with my head. Only it's the first time in this position with a lot of feelings and I was so curious how it feels for him, but I guess is like you said. As he also told me that he doesn't feel anything anymore.
The good part is that now, after a week, he is slowly starting to approach me again. We live together and I think it's easier when you're not living with someone, that you can distance yourself when you want. Somehow I had a chance and I turned it into space and good time spent together. And I see him happy again.

I wish any supporter could notice when things are bugging me and force a discussion
I try to avoid talking when I see that things are bugging him. I am very good at changing the subject, but one day he insisted to talk so I am thinking now if maybe this can be a good thing. But I avoid any conflict, even if I have to say that he is right. And that reminds me of an old women that I've met some years ago, she told me this, that she divorced 3 times, that she always wanted to be right. And she is right, but she is alone.
I still don't know so many things but I am open to learn.
So thank you very much!
 
Dr. Phil used to say, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" My mom used to say, "There's worse things than being single. One of them is being unhappily married. Then you really feel alone".

I have heard it both ways- poor you (to be single), and you are smart, that is what I would do if I could do it over again.

If you believe the experts, what builds trust and relationship is being there for each other in the small things over and over, and attunement. But if emotions motivate behaviour, feeling nothing is likely to bring a whole lot of nothing to you. And as much as I abhor conflict, it does not predict relationship demise. It is a vehicle to understand each other better if you do reconcile.

I know you want him to be happy, but even Mark Twain said, "Most folks are as happy as they make their minds up to be". You can influence it, but never control it, only they can.

Your experiences with anorexia nervosa and recovery, the relationship you saw your parents have if you had parents, and your core beliefs will all play in to it (including other disorders, personality, attachment style and subconscious thoughts). The heart wants what the heart wants. And it is true what repulses one attracts another, and vice versa. But what are your dreams? What are his? Do you have any dreams together?

I would challenge this though:
I know that after him I will not believe in love anymore and I will not trust anyone.
because believing it will not make him capable of having a relationship. Nor does it do you (or a future partner) justice because it says if the reasonably impossible doesn't happen I will no longer date or trust or love anyone, so it's a bit setting yourself up for failure. And fwiw it's fortune telling. You would not know how you will feel or who you will meet or how you will think as you heal and grow You can be single or coupled and believe in love and trust (or not). If he is not capable or desirous it is not a reflection of a failure on your part, perhaps not his either. Conversely if you are able to make it work it will be in your own unique ways. But it will not stop current and future stressors, challenges, illness, or other things, and ptsd will still be there. There will be pain, hurt, disappointment, obstacles to try to overcome. If he wants to try to work at it he will, if he doesn't he won't. And if he doesn't, can you really call that love? Perhaps, but not enough to overcome what is necessary to keep a relationship afloat.
 
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