Relationship Question for supporters from person with ptsd

[Snowflakes]

@Bernice I think every one here gave you great things to think about. I don’t have an answer to your question but I can share my experience.

Before we were married, my eventually-to-be spouse told me about her trauma and her C-PTSD diagnosis. At the time, I accepted what she said without judgement. I’ve never lived with anyone before her with PTSD so I had no preconceived notion of what my future could or would be. Without getting into detail here (you can read my diary if you want), I’ve spent the last 10 years struggling as a supporter. My life has not been pleasant. I’m not blaming my sufferer; I’m blaming myself because I did not know enough to learn coping skills till I got here to this board earlier this year.

I tell you this now because, knowing what I know now, if I had to do it again it is entirely possible I might do what your friend did. I wouldn’t do it because I didn’t care about you or wanted to ignore you. Quite the opposite, I’d care deeply for you but I’d also be fearful of my ability to be a supporter. I would hope that I would have the courage to do right by you. I’d hope that I’d know how to share my past with you.

I don’t know why he did what he did; only he knows and perhaps some day he will tell you. But I’m glad you came here because all of us here care for you. Take care.

 

[Hojay]

I have gone through several cycles of this with my sufferer. He got to a point where he finally wanted to open up about his diagnosis and experience to friends and it seemed like an important step in integrating his PTSD, an act of courage and self respect.

Needless to say, he was quite appalled and disappointed by some of his friends' (lack of) reactions. It threw him way back, made him feel ashamed and alone -- all understandably so.

We talked about it a lot during those times, and we landed on a fairly useful analogy (at least to him) as to how approach these situations: Disclosing to friends (trauma, PTSD, or really any other deeply private matter) is much like lending them a large sum of money. As a general rule, don't do it if you desperately need the money back to live. Only do it if you can live with the reality, and maybe even expect, that you will never see your money again. Maybe they are embarrassed by owing money and are avoiders. Maybe they don't see the necessity of paying back. Maybe they simply can't right now, or ever, for whatever personal reasons. If you don't get your money back, without an explanation or acknowledgement, the friendship may change and become shallower with time. It will always hurt when someone doesn't turn out to be who we thought they were, but as you didn't lend the money with a return of investment in mind, you will not take it personally and quite quickly move on.

He's been approaching sharing or not sharing with that guide in mind. He has decided against sharing in some instances, knowing that a lack of reaction would hurt him too much (e.g. his parents. It will take a very long time until he is strong enough to live with whatever reaction they may have.) And he has decided to share in other moments, knowing that even a lack of reaction from that particular person would leave him hurt, but intact. It's a case by case decision.

I don't know how much this helps, or if it can be even applied to other people other than my SO, but I thought I'd share.

 

[deeplyloved]

I have lost friends after telling. I try to remind myself that I don't know what I don't know. But it still hurts. I'm sorry.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I'm so happy that my sufferer decided to share his background with me; It allowed me to learn him even more. That coupled with this forum has made me feel so very educated and more understanding of his plight. I try hard to be supportive and understanding when it comes to him and his needs, but somehow it always ends up feeling like he's being self-centered or selfish. I now how learned to take my feelings out of the picture (as hard as it may seems to do at times). I realize that he says certain things from his head but his heart is saying something completely different. He recently said that he wanted to take the relationship off the table and we should focus on our friendship, however, when I say that I'll be relocating to a new state, he says he definitely doesn't want me to leave. This can be so confusing to me, but I'm learning to just be as supportive as possible. I believe he's worth all the effort in using to stand by him.

 

[Freida]

If he is emailing from faculty email account, then it's especially not private, but a record of the educational institution. He could be trying to protect your privacy, in addition to holding professional boundaries.

@Justmehere is correct - as a faculty member getting an email from a student who is suffering is a quagmire. You want to reach out and help, but there are a ton of rules about privacy and rights on why you cant. Plus, while the emails are not usually dug up and read, if a student is doing poorly in class the administrator may ask to see correspondence to show what there is an appropriate level of help being offered. Especially if the student challenges their grades. Even though you have graduated your friend may still have to play by those rules, and may not have any idea how to respond. The first time I got an email like that as an instructor I was lucky enough to have a mentor to walk me through what to do (a reference to a DV shelter) and it was a pretty uncomfortable process.

Of course if he was your friend not responding at all isn't ok - he doesn't get a pass on that. Just a view from the other side on what might have happened at the faculty level.

Needless to say, he was quite appalled and disappointed by some of his friends' (lack of) reactions. It threw him way back, made him feel ashamed and alone -- all understandably so.

I lost half my friends when I told them what was happening with me. I'm supposed to be the strong one - the one who helps others solve their problems. The idea that I was falling apart was unacceptable to them. So they dumped me and it made me feel like a total loser, like I had done something wrong or was somehow letting them down. I am very selective now who I even bring it up with, and I don't tell anyone the whole story. To protect myself I give out bits and pieces to different people so only 2 people know the entire thing

I'm ok with it now, but my hubby is still very angry at the friends I had had for 10 and 15 years who just bailed on me when I needed them most and I don't know how to help him with that. Any suggestions from your side would be very very appreciated!

 

[Hojay]

@Freida I can understand very well that you're protecting yourself after something like that. I'm so very sorry you had that experience.

And as a supporter, I also understand your husband's anger. I'm assuming you've already told him that you're ok with how things are now, that he need not be angry on your account or protect you from it?

It think it's difficult, as a supporter sometimes, to keep a healthy distance to whatever our sufferer's are going through. It takes a lot of self examination and a good look at our own boundaries to always be able to say "this is your stuff, this is mine," and that's not always possible.

I don't know the level of anger he carries with him and how it is affecting your relationship day-to-day, but perhaps it's worth a thought to just let him have his anger and experience it how he must? As long as it doesn't affect you negatively, of course. Being a supporter can feel very disempowered, helpless, and out of control sometimes. What happens to our sufferer's affects us deeply, but we're not always "allowed" to have a response to it that is as loud as we'd like it to be. Maybe he needs to hold on to his anger as his, and only his, reaction to one of the many awful things that have happened to you (as I assume they have) on your journey. Is that something that resonates? Could be totally off base.

 

[Bernice]

@Justmehere Yea, maybe I will just ask him if I get coffee with him again ever. I'm sorta afraid to talk to him ever again though. I don't want to email for coffee and get another non response and feel bad. I almost want to apologize to him for telling him I have PTSD. I feel guilty after telling people.

Also thanks to @Snowflakes for your response and thoughts. @Hojay I really love your money analogy. I think it is really helpful. It also makes me feel better because "giving someone a large sum of money" is a gift. I always feel like I'm burdening someone if I tell them. I feel like a jerk. But, a large sum of money is a gift. I would like try to think that in some ways even though I'm disclosing something difficult it is also still somehow, a gift. Maybe it's a gift because it is honest and lets people who I call my friend actually really know me and give them the opportunity to really be my friend. So, maybe it's a gift. My mistake is maybe I always give "the large sum of money" in desperate times (when I'm ridiculously sad) like you advised against or to people who I care too much how they might respond... Anyways, I really like your analogy.


@Frieda and @deeplyloved I'm sorry that you've lost friends by telling. I wonder if that is what is happening in my situation. I like what people have said about being selective and giving out bits and pieces to certain people. That's basically what I've been up to.

@Justmehere and @Frieda Yea, I don't know if it has to do with academic policies or student-teacher relationship stuff, because I don't email his academic email anymore. I have been emailing him to his personal, private email for a long time, ever since he gave it to me. But, if you think it could still apply even though I'm graduated then who knows.

Maybe if I ever unravel the mystery of the nonresponse I will let ya'll know. But I'll be nonspecific to respect his privacy of course.

 

[Hojay]

@Bernice yes, we've also found that it works on so many levels! You're spot on, disclosing is always, without fail, a gift, like a large sum of money. Wrapped in vulnerability and tied with a ribbon of trust. I don't think enough people are aware of what it means to be given something like that, the intimacy they've been granted, and how that must be handled. Much like people show their true colors when owing money, they do so when being handed a package of PTSD.

It also all seems to dependent on how "full" your wallet is. If it's empty and you lend someone money, you will struggle. If it's full, you will notice the lack of return, remember not to lend that person money again, but live.

I also have to add that I talked to my sufferer a lot about those who kindly, but firmly explain or show that they do not want or need any money from you. It hurts, but that kind of honesty is kind of a gift too.

I'm so happy the analogy resonates.

 

[Freida]

Being a supporter can feel very disempowered, helpless, and out of control sometimes. What happens to our sufferer's affects us deeply, but we're not always "allowed" to have a response to it that is as loud as we'd like it to be. Maybe he needs to hold on to his anger as his, and only his, reaction to one of the many awful things that have happened to you (as I assume they have) on your journey. Is that something that resonates? Could be totally off base.

@Hojay you are brilliant!

I've repeatedly told him I'm ok with it so I'm confused that he is still upset. Not as in smash a plate upset, but every so often he makes a comment about how awful they were and it surprises me that it still effects him. I mean, I was sad for a bit, but it's really no big deal.

But - as I've been getting more educated on the supporter side of things I realize that is because I'm a classic ghost. Piss me off and I'm gone. It's not that hard for me to kick loose from a relationship, move on and never look back. He, however, is a normal human being so he's not like that. And yep. Now that you mention it, most of my dramas and traumas were before we met. He knows bits and pieces, but we decided early on that details are not necessary. I guess after watching me struggle for such a long time and not really being able to do anything to make it better, and then watching my support system bail just as I made the move for counseling, it would make sense that this is a place he can "put" his anger

wow. Ok - so anyway I can help him feel better? Or is allowing him to be angry with them already doing that?

 

[Hojay]

@Freida If all of the above sort of rang a bell, then I think letting him get angry and fester over those, excuse my French, aholes for as long as he must, might just be the best help you can give him. I mean, of course it’s never good to hold on to anger, but in a situation like this it can feel very empowering and freeing to be able to just let loose on it. I’m sure grateful when I get to emotionally partake in what is happening to my SO and really, and I mean really, show my emotions without it negatively affecting his condition. It’s a tightrope. I’d say let him have it. Unless, of course, it’s eating him up inside, but it doesn’t sound like it from what you said.

 

[Freida]

@Hojay thank you! I will!