Childhood Question for those who have hurt someone as a child

[belleever]

I’ve become sick with remorse and so depressed and anxious that I can’t get out of bed. When I was young (this happened between the ages of 9-11) I would get my younger sister to kiss me. And one time I touched myself while kissing her when she was asleep (I think she was asleep but I can’t be sure she stayed that way). It’s my biggest shame & regret. I only just remembered all this a few of years ago. The memories came back and I was floored. I don’t know how to cope long term. Sometimes I can go a few weeks without thinking about it. I feel normal and worthy, but then, I start to spiral. I’m not sure if she remembers. I don’t want to bring it up because she’s already going through a lot with her job and other life stuff. I’m considering distancing myself from my family long term. I don’t deserve them. I don’t think I’ll ever shake this feeling of worthlessness. The harm I caused is irreversible. I want some help from people who have done similar things. How are you coping? Do you distance yourself from who you harmed? Are you honest with your therapist (I have one but not for this issue)? Do you know how to manage these feelings of worthlessness?

At this point, I don’t know how I will live a normal life. I want to end things tbh. I’m not actively suicidal though. It’s more of a passive thought that feels like a back up plan.

 

[Rose White]

Do you know how to manage these feelings of worthlessness?

Therapy helped me immensely with dealing with the shame of things I did in the past. You deserve space and time to process this with a compassionate witness.

For what it’s worth it doesn’t sound like predatory behavior to me, which is qualitatively different in terms of how it’s processed by all parties. How your sister deals with it is her own journey; unless she brings it up I would caution you not to as she may not be ready to and it would be more for your benefit. The good thing is that if you work on processing it yourself, then if you are ever fortunate enough that she *does* bring it up you will be able to sincerely face it with her, hopefully in a way that doesn’t demean either of you.

You have a conscience, you want to make things better—that’s huge and puts you way ahead of many others who may have experienced something similar as a child. I strongly encourage you to find a professional to help you work through this. It won’t be overnight but you can definitely move toward a place of peace with it through a bit of effort on your part.

 

[belleever]

Therapy helped me immensely with dealing with the shame of things I did in the past. You deserve space and time to process this with a compassionate witness.

For what it’s worth it doesn’t sound like predatory behavior to me, which is qualitatively different in terms of how it’s processed by all parties. How your sister deals with it is her own journey; unless she brings it up I would caution you not to as she may not be ready to and it would be more for your benefit. The good thing is that if you work on processing it yourself, then if you are ever fortunate enough that she *does* bring it up you will be able to sincerely face it with her, hopefully in a way that doesn’t demean either of you.

You have a conscience, you want to make things better—that’s huge and puts you way ahead of many others who may have experienced something similar as a child. I strongly encourage you to find a professional to help you work through this. It won’t be overnight but you can definitely move toward a place of peace with it through a bit of effort on your part.

Thank you for the kindness and thought put into your response. I’m terrified of speaking face to face with a therapist about this but I know I need to & I will.

 

[Rose White]

You can do it! It’s definitely hard, but worth it because life can be pretty long actually and is stressful enough without betraying yourself. The circumstances surrounding the events which are troubling you may be bigger than you currently imagine.

 

[arfie]

hello bellieever. welcome to the forum.

I want some help from people who have done similar things. How are you coping? Do you distance yourself from who you harmed?

i don't much trust people who claim they have never done similar things. kids are curious and like to explore. every kid i have ever cared for can also be mean from time to time. i am coping with self-forgiveness. can i forgive myself for having been a child? works in progress. i decide the distancing factor on a case by case basis and the distancing is seldom decided on a single event.

Are you honest with your therapist (I have one but not for this issue)? Do you know how to manage these feelings of worthlessness?

posilutely i am honest with my therapist. lying to and/or keeping secrets from my therapist kinda defeats the purpose of paying them for their services. my therapists, along with many a peer supporter, have helped me come to believe that my feelings of worthlessness are a symptom of my low self-esteem. they show up in more places than just forgiving myself for harm i have done. acceptance and mindfulness are my most effective management tools. i accept this problem in myself and stay mindful of when it is deviling me.

The harm I caused is irreversible

a recurring theme in my own recovery is realizing i am often mistaken in the extent of harm i have done. what feels like an earth shattering event in my own guilt feelings is often a forgotten event of the person i think i have harmed. equally, i have discovered great harm i have done with events i don't even remember. more often i don't get to know if i caused actual harm or if my guilt demon is on the loose again

 

[belleever]

hello bellieever. welcome to the forum.

i don't much trust people who claim they have never done similar things. kids are curious and like to explore. every kid i have ever cared for can also be mean from time to time. i am coping with self-forgiveness. can i forgive myself for having been a child? works in progress. i decide the distancing factor on a case by case basis and the distancing is seldom decided on a single event.

posilutely i am honest with my therapist. lying to and/or keeping secrets from my therapist kinda defeats the purpose of paying them for their services. my therapists, along with many a peer supporter, have helped me come to believe that my feelings of worthlessness are a symptom of my low self-esteem. they show up in more places than just forgiving myself for harm i have done. acceptance and mindfulness are my most effective management tools. i accept this problem in myself and stay mindful of when it is deviling me.

a recurring theme in my own recovery is realizing i am often mistaken in the extent of harm i have done. what feels like an earth shattering event in my own guilt feelings is often a forgotten event of the person i think i have harmed. equally, i have discovered great harm i have done with events i don't even remember. more often i don't get to know if i caused actual harm or if my guilt demon is on the loose again

Thank you so much for this response. I feel more encouraged to seek professional help. It’s nice to see someone with a similar experience working through this. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer my questions

 

[Weemie]

How are you coping?

Better than I used to. The primary thing I do is monitor the way I think about and talk about it. I keep it to facts only, no opinions.

Do you distance yourself from who you harmed?

Yes, it would not be productive for me to approach them. It's likely that they have disabilities, trauma, PTSD, etc. There is no utility to intruding on their life to make it about how remorseful I am.

Are you honest with your therapist

Yes. I have a therapist with a prior specialization in forensic psychology and who did her doctorate amongst violent offenders, including violent sexual offenders. This was a good fit for me because I felt she would be able to hear me speak without becoming upset (as many prior therapists have).

It is worth it to find someone who you can be honest with, who is able to engage with the material without judging you or lashing out at you. I was forced into an armed gang from 8-12 and committed a lot of violence both under duress (some of which was sexual) and of my own volition.

To this day I struggle with aggression, but I have greatly improved my symptoms through FORNET.

Do you know how to manage these feelings of worthlessness?

I believe the optimal outcome is to heal and be the best version of myself that I can be. That way if I ever did encounter my victims I could engage with them from their perspective instead of my own.

Every human being has intrinsic value, even those who are in prison for being unable to respect that. I believe in being compassionate to everyone, which should also extend to myself. Killing myself wouldn't resolve the situation either, it would just cause more pain to others.

Having caused irreversible harm to others as a child can coexist with being kind to yourself. It doesn't mean that you absolve yourself of responsibility, it does mean that you deserve to live like anyone else.