Relationship Question To All The Ladies With A Partner Struggling With Cptsd

[WhisperingUnicorn]

You said a phrase that got me thinking...."By God's grace, we met when we did..." but that wouldn't happen if God is punishing us and cursed us to live life in constant torment alone.

Pardon me for saying this a little tongue in cheek .. Based on your statement, I guess that our story would "prove" that God ISN'T punishing us to live in constant torment alone, eh? ;)

Actually, my man would have said and believed the EXACT same thing. We met right before he turned 40, and he's now approaching 50, and only just in the past couple years has "woken up" to "grace" as a real construct.

As an aside, I would encourage *anyone* who suspects "God" might be "punishing" them and "cursing" them to live a life in constant torment alone - of what value is that belief? It certainly can't be "proven" .. it must at best be speculative, and as a REAL belief it is utterly destructive. A "self-fulfilling prophesy" if you will? (I was a Philosophy major in college, so these kinds of discussions really spark a lot of conversational fodder for me ;) )

So though it's a little sideways from the original intent of this post, I would highly encourage you (as I have to encourage myself, as I would encourage ANYONE) to FIGHT to believe the BEST, because it is nevertheless a function of our human experience that our thought patterns produce behavioral patterns become our reality. When we are hammered mercilessly and seemingly endlessly by our own self-criticisms (to say nothing of OTHERS hammering us!), we withdraw, we cower, we hide, or worse, we become the hammers.

It is a GOOD fight to keep HOPE (which I keep distinct from wishful thinking), and it is a GOOD fight in which to persevere. We speak life and death to ourselves all the time - let us LOVE the fruit of LIFE and so speak it! (and not just a little preaching-to-myself on this one, too :) )

Yes as per my psychiatrist, PTSD often comes with other co-morbid issues. In my case, as in your partner, it is dissociative identity disorder where two conflicting entities co-exist. I suggest your partner to get himself officially diagnosed and to start taking medication. It obviously doesn't cure it but it helps level up the hyper-emotions.

While I appreciate the encouragement, quite frankly, we don't trust the "system" enough to chase this. And I have read a LOT from people who have straight up said that DID should NOT be medicated, for a variety of reasons. (And to be clear, we are not sure exactly where on the dissociative spectrum he lands, so might not be full-on diagnosable in clinical sense....)

He does utilize a lot of natural health means, and he is DILIGENT about "self-counseling" techniques, and I am quite proud of him and his efforts and self-awareness and insight - he's helped ME grow a lot in some of my own issues - woke me up to areas where I have default reactions that are just not healthy....

His struggles have, I suppose, in some senses PROVEN the fortitude of his character, and I think he is a "praiseworthy and excellent man" and I tell him that as often as I perceive he can receive the compliment. (Sometimes he just tells me to get my head out of the clouds, cuz he thinks I'm too emotional, but I ADMIRE him and with good reason!)

I don't mean to suggest you shouldn't pursue medication, but it is evident you have a lot of strength and power of insight, yourself. So I think you're on a VERY good journey! Your posts, so far, actually remind me a LOT of my guy. And I think he's pretty great, soooo ... ;)

I look forward to seeing MUCH more from you in future posts. :hug: 's if you accept. :)

~S2B

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@alienamongus

As a PS to the above, another complication regarding medications is that my Mr. seems to have "opposite" of expected reactions to various medications. Not sure if this has anything to do with differences in neurological development? Such as, a pain med that makes most people sleepy will give him energy, anti-depressants in the past have made him more depressed/suicidal, etc.

*tip toes quietly out of this thread so as not to change topics*

~S2B

 

[Tiffany3]

- How long into the relationship until he told you he has CPTSD?
It's been about 2 months and he just mentioned it for the first time the other day kind of in passing. We were having a discussion about another subject and he just mentioned doing lots of work and counselling and going to church despite not being super religious in order to deal with issues from his divorce (she had several affairs lasting through half of their marriage) and PTSD. I didn't really think anything of it at the time but looking back, I wish it had registered sooner what he had said and asked more questions. I'd like to ask him more about it now especially since I think it may be the cause of some of the things going on between us right now but I'm not sure how to approach it.

- After he told you, did your love or affections for him decrease?
At the time, neither. It took a few days for me to process the info and to even remember him saying anything (again, it was a very quick quirp as part of another discussion). Now, my affection for him has definitely NOT decreased. It doesn't change how I feel about him at all but it does help me to understand things about him a little better, especially as I am taking the time to start learning about PTSD. It does leave me with LOTS of questions though and a strong desire to learn as much as I can so that I can learn how to not be a stressor for him. I cannot change him (nor would I want to try) but I can change myself and choose how to react to things. The last thing I would ever want to do is cause him more stress or to feel more pressure (which apparently our relationship does). In fact he wanted to break up with me last week despite caring for me A LOT because he felt that a relationship was too much stress and pressure. I was able to talk him down from his anxiety and he agreed that if we went SLOWLY he really did want to continue. I just didn't realize how slowly SLOWLY is. :( He still texts me every morning (Good morning :) I hope you have a great day!) but I can tell he doesn't want to talk. It kills me because I miss talking to him and just can't help but wonder how long it might be before we get to have a conversation again. But I don't push. I trust that when he's ready, he'll engage. Until then, I go on about my life. Breaks my heart to see him struggle and in pain though.

- Considering how distant he can become. Do you question how reliable he is as a partner/father?
Not at all. He has 3 kids and while his ex has sole custody (he wasn't going to fight her as he sees him being in the military as a stability issue and believes the courts often do as well so it was easier this way) he does see his kids on a regular basis right now while they are in the same town. He has them every other day and every other weekend. He's a wonderful father!

 

[Sighs]

@Tiffany3 - correct me if I'm wrong but your man has combat PTSD right? And this post was originally about complex PTSD from childhood trauma. Someone else got them confused - hell, we all do in the beginning - and there are kinda two parallel conversations going on in this thread. Just wanted to point it out for clarity. The two are similar, but slightly different animals.

 

[Friday]

@Sighs I answered, even though my history is dating combat PTSD... Because there's no such thing as CPTSD. It doesn't exist.

<grin> So... Strike the C & voila! No one has ever dated/been married to CPTSD, but PTSD? Yep. We've got that one! :wtf:

***

Absolutely such a thing as complex trauma, however, and combat acquired PTSD is often complex trauma in spades. In fact, the more I'm reading / trying to wrap my head around complex trauma? The more I'm learning that it's a feature of combat PTSD far mor often than childhood PTSD, as childhood is very often the same trauma repeated over & over.

CombatPTSD
ChildhoodPTSD
ChronicPTSD
ComplexPTSD
Complex Trauma

Too many C's !!! :P

 

[Ronin]

As childhood is very often the same trauma repeated over & over.

Thank you. Very to the point & simple words to a complicated (darn Cs!) concept, simplifying & explaining so lot.

Edited to add: A good illustration why chronic isn't complex & aren't interchangeable. Prolonged trauma can be chronic without being complex.