Questioning The Relationship With My Mother

[Lady of Longbourn]

By chance was your mother the youngest of other siblings, was she criticized or pushed around by others besides her first husband, did she think her second husband knew it all, more than she?

She is the oldest, she has a younger sister, who tired to commit suicide in college. I have no idea who else pushed her around. She does treat my stepfather like he knows everything, to the point of hurting me. And letting him hurt me, she would just ignore it.And she would lie and manipulate. I don't know where all her anger comes from. But mental illness seems to run in my family. There might be something she is not admitting to. I know when it came to my own mental health problems, she never treated it like it was something important. Or worth caring about. I was very depressed for years as a child and looking back I have no idea why she never did anything.

What was her relationship with her own parents? It sounds like she deferred to others opinions more than trusting her own intuitions often.

That's a good question, it seems to change. I love my grandparents. They are wonderful simple people.But they have there flaws. My grandmother has Bipolar disorder, like I do, and my mother doesn't treat her very well. She takes a lot of it very personally, like my grandmother did things just to punish 'her'. She mostly ignores that my grandmother is ill, and will just belittle her and talk bad behind her back.

In this situation, it sounds like she waited until her sister coaxed (gave permission) her to comfort you.

My aunt has a lot of anxiety, and has a anxiety disorder. My aunt is not the type to give permission and my mother would have never needed her permission.


Have to go to a T appointment. Hope I answered everything correctly. :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Ayesha, I also think you are very brave in your writings. You are very articulate and insightful. I hope someday you connect with music again and play your clairenet.

Thank you. :)

 

[mamachick]

Maddog, I am so very sorry. I did not mean to trigger such things. I did not mean what I said as a criticism to you in your thinking at all. I do not know where you are in your recovery or if you have things that are unforgivable.

Forgiveness is a gift to the forgiver, not to the forgiven

Just as I have ptsd, have suffered depression and anxiety, our parents have not necessarily been free of such.
I understand your not wanting to parent as a result of what has happened to you, even though I have not experienced that, as I became a parent at 17. I was winging it. I was immulating people that I thought were good parents. I waited 12 yrs to do it again because I decided I needed to heal and learn something different. You cant learn it from a book or therapy. Being a mother has been the most positive experience in my life.

To be very honest, I should not have responded to this thread. I felt so much hurt and rightfully so from Ayesha. Neglect can be harder to work through than abuse, in that there is little energy to push up against from being ignored or invisible. My own mother died in 2001, and I had the benefit of working through similar issues and forgave her long before she died. I am very grateful for that. I am grateful that I was able to address my own anger and pain before bringing my last 2 daughters into the world. As a teen and young adult, I hated my mother. I did not know that it would ever be different.

Again, I regret responding to this post and am sorry if I have offended anyone, it was not my intent.

 

[mamachick]

Sorry, just re-read error
I felt hurt and rightfully so for Ayesha

 

[maddog]

Oh no Brat, please don't apologise, you didn't offend me at all, everything you said was reasonable and you had every right to say it. I am the one who probably shouldn't have responded, simply because this is so distressing for me right now and for my own sake I should probbly have steered clear.

But truly, there is no bitterness on my end at all at anything you said. Wishing I could engage in this debate more actually, as I think there is valid discussion to be had, but I guess I'm just not there yet.

I agree 100% with you. Neglect is the hidden killer, the silent destroyer. It hurts and is wrong every bit as much as blatant abuse, it's just not as visible, and in some cases can be even harder for the sufferer to validate and come to terms with.

I'm so glad you found forgiveness for your mother, and I do mean that. It takes courage and an enormous human capacity to do that, both of which you obviously have.

Maddog

 

[mamachick]

Maddog, I think all forms of abuse are so very harmful. Having experienced more neglect than other forms, it is evasive, slippery, hard to describe sometimes. Its kind of passive, as there is nothing to fight against or push against. When someone attacks you, you can fight back, when someone ignores you, there is no pushing back. (doesnt describe well what Im trying to say)

Sometimes I jump ahead like going from a to f.
I really am sorry even if you do not expect it.
Hugs

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I don't have a clue what is going on. All I know is you all thought the other was upset with you, when I didn't see that either. I also think everyone can have there own opinions, experiences and knowledge.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am still confused about what happened. I am not offended. I think we have solved that no one seems to be hurting over things that were said.

I am a little peeved, however, that now all conversation has seemed to stop because people are presuming things. If I was angry I would tell you, I wouldn't be dancing around it, I would be terribly blunt.

Please continue Maddog and Brat17 ( and others of course)... You all have a perfect right to response. I liked you input and options. I really think these things need to be talked about, by many people.

 

[mamachick]

Im sorry Ayesha, you are right, I didnt mean to not respond. I am so glad you are on this path of recovery. I had some lousy parents and 4 sisters, and we were all affected differently. Some of my mothers behavior even made it impossible to have relationship with sisters, even though that was not her intent.

You described some mental illness in your family. Grandmother was bi-polar, so mom was raised by bi-polar mother. I dont know about the history, but treatment has gotten much better in the past couple of decades. I dont know the effects on your mom, but am guessing that there were some negative effects. That does not excuse her behavior in any way, or is meant to minimize your pain. Your experience was very real and needs validated on every level. For me, learning about my mothers experience and how she viewed life helped me to understand her motivation and behaviors that I found inexcusable, immoral, injust, and even repulsive.

You have every right to your feelings toward your mother no matter what they are. You never need to justify them. I also agree that premature forgiveness is counter productive. You need to decide if you want to incorporate her injuries into your healing and at what point, and to what degree. IMHO, I do think that such understanding facilitates acceptance. Without that, I would have kept asking myself "what is wrong with me that she could not just love me and take care of me when I needed her", when in fact, sadly, it had nothing to do with me. There was nothing that I could have done to change the outcome, it was her pain, inability, injuries, illness, etc. that motivated her to live the life that she chose.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

You described some mental illness in your family.

"Some" is a understatement. I think of very FEW people who are not ill in my family, on both sides. Which makes me ill as well; Told my T once "I never stood a chance. " Genetically.LOL

Yes, I do imagine growing up with a Bipolar mother would be hard. Just like for me growing up with a mother who did not acknowledge her own depression and her daughters. How her own physical illness was effecting her daughters life, a lot of the times she seemed to forget that raising me was her responsibly and if she could not do it... And I know my husband has a hard time dealing with me. Knowing my mothers...ignorance as I do, and her relationship with her mother, I know she's never really told her mother how she felt.

I also acknowledge that I do not like the way my mother treats my grandmother. ( Like her illness is her FAULT instead of she doesn't have a choice) My mother is older now and should be wiser. Same with me, I seem to wise in many ways for my age and I think that one day this needs to be talked about by both of us.

I am going to have to accept one day. Mostly becasue I still love my mother, and I know she loves me. Though distance would be nice too.

 

[mamachick]

I can relate to not standing a chance..LOL and I find some humor in that, it has certainly made life interesting.
I dont know how old you are but think you are very wise. Sounds like your mother does not know much about illness or choses to remain in denial. She is really missing out in so much, with her relationship with you on a completely different level.
I use to think that I did not love my mother and thought there was something very basic missing in me. It never was the relationship that I would have liked (cant change the stripes on a zebra) but it came to be much more peaceful and less triggering.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I can relate to not standing a chance..LOL and I find some humor in that, it has certainly made life interesting.
I dont know how old you are but think you are very wise.

I am pretty good with humor. T says it has "saved me" many times. For what maybe I don't want to know, but I can guess.

I am 23 years old. And flattered that you think I am wise.

Sounds like your mother does not know much about illness or choses to remain in denial. She is really missing out in so much, with her relationship with you on a completely different level.

Its both, but more denial. I am not sure how to reach her most of the time. And then wonder how much of that is really my responsibly. I do try, but the pain of my childhood holds me back a lot. Especially since she blames me for quite a lot of it. She says I treated my stepfather badly ( swore at him, bullied him) and that's why he treated and treats me the way he does. I don't remember this. Just him bulling me and what my husband calls "being at -40 degrees". I think he had a big influence on how my mother started treating me over the years. And now its better. Now that I am away from them, she is better, more of a mother.

I just can't seem to let it go, to forgive. I just keep thinking over and over again about all the pain they caused me. All the problems that arose from simply not having anyone to talk too. Being so f*cking lonely for years. Depressed since like in the 3 grade. Sexual abused since 13. Mostly because I didn't know how in f*ck to tell her. I thought using sex was all I was good for. The only way someone would talk to me. It is not right and I know it will never be right.

Just damn...How can I just forget that? How can I not be so f*cking angry? How can I forgive?

I like getting all this out.

I really think one day this has to be talked about with her.