Questioning The Relationship With My Mother

[Eleanor]

Oh and your step father is, IMHO, flat out wrong to have married someone with a child if he couldn't fully accept the child as his own. And I won't say what I think about your mother for marrying such a man.:speechless:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

And I won't say what I think about your mother for marrying such a man.:speechless:

One thing would be...desperate...

 

[Eleanor]

And God save us all from that level and sort of desperation. :cry:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Not everyone "Perceives" the bright line between right and wrong that you do Ayesha.

I have noticed that my T will use my morals. He will say things like " Well, Ayesha, I know you can't let your self do that...you have too high of morals." or " Your morals make you different.." or " I am counting on your morals here..."

Sometimes my actions surprise me. Growing up the way I did, with the adults in my life, I have turned out a bit different.

I could have easily been just as bad.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

((( Ayesha ))) It is scary how we could have turned out like them. My sibs turned out like my parents. I was the only one who did'nt. I wonder what childhood vows we made to ourselves to never be like them? I wish I could remember. I had heard or read that these choices made by children are made pretty young.

I wonder how you are feeling after putting this all down here. I hope you are ok. I hope you can manage whatever it stirs up for you. Be gentle on yourself. Hugs.

 

[Red Feather]

I have a very close and bad relationship with my mother. She is emotionally abusive. She yells and it hurts me everytime. I still try to practice compassion and empathy. I still try to talk to her. But yesterday she crossed the line with me. Maybe she has somehow always controlled me and my life.

I think it is really a problem if you are trying to be compassionate because you feel guilty otherwise. My mother makes me feel guilty for her pain. It is isn't healthy.

I heard that it is really important to make peace with both mother and father. To find a way to forgive them. I don't know at this point. I often think forgiveness is irrelevant. What is really important is to get back the self that was robbed of you as a child. To know you are alive and breathing even without her love and affection. To know that I exist and have boundaries towards her. It is such a foreign idea to me.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

There is a British TV show I love watching. At one point in the show, one of main characters was doing some major thing with the house. The main characters daughter, husband and a family friend live there. When her daughter found out that the main character was just going to make this major change without asking them she got upset and said:

" Don't the rest of us get a say? After all we do live here. "

It was not until I heard those words as an adult, did I understand that that it is missing from the relationship I had with my mother. She never asked. She always demanded and told. I was never asked what I thought, or what I wanted/needed. I never realized how normal that was, until I heard that line from the TV. That no matter who owns that house ( my stepfather), other people are also allowed a voice! It was hers ( and him) way or nothing. Never any compromise.Never any thought to me.

There was never any respect.
Never any boundaries.
And there was no trust from any side.

I don't blame me for lack of trust. I was a kid and was hurt many times, so I naturally quit trusting her. But at the same time I craved it! My father set up video camera in his house when I would visit him, and he would watch me when he was at work. Both parents blamed me for the continued sexual abuse. It never occurred to either of them that they should be angry at the men who were doing it. They do not deserve my trust!

With all these things in front of me, it is hard to continue showing my mother patience and understanding. I do not make excuses and I pity those that spend their life in deep denial over their actions.

Once again...I will watch and wait.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think it is really a problem if you are trying to be compassionate because you feel guilty otherwise. My mother makes me feel guilty for her pain. It is isn't healthy.

I do not feel guilty about it. It is like when I broke it off with my father, I just said enough is enough, emailed him and let him go.

I don't stay in the relationship with my mother out of guilt. I would leave in a second if there was no growth on her side. But there is some happening, very slowly.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My stepfather used to have a old Geo Metro. It is a very small car with no safety rating. And my stepfather is a horrible driver ( I mean, that guy as hit people!) and would always drive it. I was terrified to ride in that car becasue it was so small and I felt, easily crushed by a 18 wheeler. We had another car, a newer Honda hybrid that was safe and reliable. It was not like the Geo was our only car. But the Geo was driven a lot, becasue of good gas mileage.

I was forced to ride in that car. I would protest. I would try to explain how scary that car was for me. This might have something to do with witnessing a fatal motorcycle accident as a child. Some form of PTSD possibly.

My mother was fine with me riding in this car. I still remember him having to drive me to school once. He was obvious very upset about it. He was driving fast and weaving in between 18 wheelers. At one point the car almost stalled. When my half brother came along ( my stepfathers child with my mother), he was never allowed in the car. It was too "dangerous". Even when he got older.

Wouldn't that make anyone feel...uncared for? Like they did not matter?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

.... who was in a position to do a hell of a lot of damage to you and to allow even more to be done by others.

This is the main reason I started this thread. I knew my feelings had to be worked out. I will have to make a choice at some point.

I am not just ranting and raving, I am trying to be the adult and work it out, instead of hiding.

 

[Eleanor]

What if it wasn't that they didn't care for You. It was that they were/are incapable of caring at all? For anyone. Your stepfather WOULD have kept driving children in his Geo - but his new wife forbade it.

Guilt/forgiveness/responsibility/praise/blame all that stuff ONLY makes sense when taken together with appropriate boundaries. And trust and respect are like prizes when it comes together.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Maybe I am just not clear headed becasue of all the books I keep reading...but can you explain Eleanor? :O_o: