Questioning The Relationship With My Mother

[Eleanor]

Its not you Ayesha - yesterday was a "brain half empty" kind of day for me :). Sorry about that.

What I meant to say was: Yes, it WOULD make anyone feel uncared for, and like they didn't matter. (And I got the chronology/relationships wrong.) The comparison is inevitable. And tragic.:cry: And it certainly leads one to wonder what changed in your mother and step-father. People DO very often have different feelings for their biological children (those old fairy tales were not just spinning things out of whole cloth) but that doesn't explain your mother's response. Perhaps she got just enough better with the new marriage and baby to care a bit... but had already settled into a really bad pattern with you? How terribly confusing and horrible for a small girl, especially one with an solid moral framework for organizing the world. It is just so WRONG.

The other thing I was trying to say (badly) was a more general point about morality and things like trust and respect. When people behave morally then it makes sense to trust and respect them - of course behaving morally means that they also respect and trust us (to the degree that is appropriate relative to our own development.) When people DON'T behave morally, it is harder to figure out what to do, because we cannot trust them (unless they are sick enough to have achieved a certain level of consistency in their bad behavior) and respecting them is very very difficult. It is difficult because respect is owed to people as autonomous moral agents - said a bit differently; we should always respect and encourage another person's ability to do the right thing, and not simply assume that they will do the wrong thing. And in real life, when others can and do harm us, it can be very very tricky to leave them opportunities to do right, since that almost always means opening ourselves up to some kind of harm at the same time. In some ways the practice/reality of mutual trust and respect feels like a luxury that is made possible by acting morally toward each other.

I hope that makes more sense...:notworthy:

 

[mamachick]

I know the feeling of believing there is some growth, and try to live by the words of -never invest more than I can afford to lose, as the cost is often emotional setbacks for me.

I can understand your experience of the car situation. Thats horrible and I can understand your conclusion. I dont know how old you and your brother are or age difference-I have a 35 yr old and 24 yr old. 35 yrs ago, we did not have seat belts or infant seats. The basinette had legs with wheels and the legs folded and made it a basket that the baby laid in on the back seat, or the passanger held. Thinking of that makes me think we were crazy. But there was not all this worry of safety.

When this daughter was 11, I had another daughter with my second husband. By then, we had seat belts, but I didnt wear them back then at least half the time. My 11 yr old had gone half her life without them and we were likely inconsistant.

Once I had another baby (many women experience this after birth), feel that fear of the responsibility and question everything-particularly safety. It feels like we have this little life in our hands and must do everything right. (I also became more concerned about my 11 yr old then and enforced seat belts with everyone). I think it makes us much more consciencious about everything (again if there are many years between).

My mother would sent me to the grocery store when I was 7 and I had to cross a 4 lane highway. She rented rooms out to men and let me and my sister, ages 5 and 12, go to the store with a renter that just gave her $10 for the week. She had 5 daughter between 5 and 17 and rented three bedrooms repeatedly. I can only fill in some blanks. I remember this but cant imagine what she was thinking. Yet years later, when I had my own children, she would have gone nuts if I left my kids with a neighbor babysitter.

My mother never told me she was abused or said she had any trauma before she died, yet I know she did. Those inconsistancies (she might go nuts or she might ignore) growing up, that is something I have felt and recognize-not knowing normal, not knowing boundaries, ignoring intuition, or over-reacting. This prevented me from telling her things. More importantly, it interfered with my protecting myself. So I know what it is like learning all of this as an adult, but also having the responsibility to myself and children to sort it out emotionally.

I am not excusing such behavior, but can only say for my own mother that she did not know any better or how to do any better. Her former trauma, mental illness, addiction, fear of expecting good, giving up on others, hopelessness, distrust-of others and her own intuition, etc. led to her own misery. I dont think she had any outlet, such as a therapist to bounce things off of.

The irony is that those (like my mother) who think they are treated so poorly or cheated in life, who think they get nothing out of life, are the most demanding and draining on others, they are self focused and do little for others. I think that is all part of the trauma. It is like borderline personality disorder (real or imagined rejection) leads to pushing others away.

I dont know if any of this is helpful in any way Ayesha, if it is not, just disregard. I am glad you are continuing with your journey here-you are very strong and thorough in your search. (((hugs)))

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My mother is coming to visit on Saturday, along with my stepfather and my 9 year old half brother. My mother wants to "talk".

I scheduled a T appointment with my therapist, that both of us can go too. My mother likes the idea.

I wonder how this will turn out. I am not quite sure what she wants to talk about, but I am confident that my T will keep it from becoming a blame game. My T knows her number.

I hope I can hold it together.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Ayesha, I wish you good luck with the therapist visit with your mother. I will be thinking good thoughts and wishing you well. I believe in you. You can do this. I am happy for you. This is really a big deal. I do not think this happens very often. Your mom must be a good sport to go with you. Hugs.

 

[mamachick]

Ayesha, I am very glad to hear this. Sounds very promising. I hope the session is productive.

 

[Philippa]

All the best for Saturday Ayesha.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

If it is possible to be both; I am optimistic and weary. I hope for the best and hope it will not cause depression afterwards and tension for my mother and me afterwards.

 

[Eleanor]

Keeping fingers and toes crossed for you both...

 

[mamachick]

Ayesha, it sounds like you are going in with an open mind and open heart. (optimism and weary).

The situation is anything but simple. I dont know if your mother does or says things that are triggers for you, but if she does, (Im sure you have already thought about this), it may be very important to bring it out early.

My sisters use to get triggered when my mother spoke of all the wonderful dinners she made. One sister would go from 0 to 10 on an anger scale. My trigger was if she called me and was drinking, or worse, I went to pick her up and she had been drinking. Sometimes it would take me a minute to realize-then I went from 0 to 10.

I would get very mean and throw things up in her face if she was drinking when I was young (in my 20'). I had no understanding of the effects it had on me, or that deep down I knew that her drunkeness put me in positions where bad things could happen, I was resentful. I was very mean to her at times. She could not see that just the slightest of slurred speech or slow movement put me over the top, and I could not explain it-I didnt have the counseling or the knowledge.

When I discovered how to address it, I told her that when I hear her slur, slow, etc, I feel like the small child that is going to have to take care of her without the resources and become scared. Initially, she denied it was that bad. She could not acknowledge (I think) because the guilt would be too much at one time. It took her years to begin to become somewhat honest, and her view was still distorted.

Im sure you are very prepared and I wish you the best and look forward to hearing how things go. (((hugs))

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am trying not to think to much about Saturday therapist appointment with my mother, but it leaks through anyway.

She said something the other day that makes me believe that she thinks my T is going to side with her. On what, I am not sure.

I do know that she wants me to talk about my traumas as well.

Words like: I was "difficult", she "tried", " you wouldn't talk"...keep coming up in our conversions on the phone the last few days.

I know that my T's priority is going to be me, not her. And he knows me, not her. And I know my T, and he will not be afraid to tell her to back off if need be. I know from one of our sessions that my T thinks she is a bit selfish.

I am going to start the conversation with " And what do you want to say, Mom? What do you want to talk about?" Her intentions have to be clear before I will say anything.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My stepfather is coming to visit with my mother and half-brother.

He is causing a lot of problems already and he is not even here yet. It makes me remember how difficult he was to live with.

He is obvious funding the trip. There was a misunderstanding with accommodations at my house. We do not have a spare bedroom in our house and my husband and I thought we could get them a hotel while they were here. My husband is Indian and in his culture, you give the guest the best you have. Sleeping on the floor in the living room did not seem like the best we could give them. We also thought that they would be more comfortable having a place to go to at the end of the day, you know? To relax and get some privacy. They are not social people.

We have no problem with them staying with us.

My mother called my husband, where they had a conversation because my stepfather dose not want to accept my husband offer of the hotel. Stepfather thinks it is "charity".

My mother calls me the next day telling me they looked into hotels. I told her you do not have to stay in a hotel, you can stay with us. I told her it is a culture clash problem we are having, not that we don't want you do stay. Its just normal in my husbands culture....blah blah blah.

She said they looked into the same hotel we booked them, it was $115/ night. But my stepfather found a hotel somewhere else, cheaper at $106/ night. Never mind that it is in a different city. It does not matter to him that it is a 30 minute drive from our house.

I don't mind driving if I have too. My point is actually how my stepfather is treating us.

I finally got them to stay with us, like originally planned. I lied and said we already had an air bed for them. Then I went out and bought one as soon as I got off the phone with her. Along with new sheets and pillows.

My stepfather refuses to let me buy him food. My mother says they have to go to costco as soon as they get here, and my stepfather is going to buy himself a pizza to eat for the rest of the trip. Okay, that is fine. Unfortunately, no one else in the family eats costco pizza. And he will eat salad with the pizza. That is fine...but he will only eat wal-mart 1 dollar thousand island dressing with it.

I don't actually shop at wal-mart. But I know if I buy him any other brand, he will refuse to use it and will criticize me. So I am going to wal-mart today.

I am hoping it will be acceptable to him that I buy him the salad and dressing. Otherwise, we will be spending the first day of there 2 day trip just on driving around trying to get his food.

My husband is feeling insulted by the whole thing. In his culture, if your guests go out and buy there own food then you are being bad hosts. I think most Americans feel that way too. Even though I am American, I have lived with an Indian for 4 years now, when you factor in that growing up my family was not normal, then you can understand why I would not know what is "normal" in American culture.

It just reminds me what he was like to live with.

I have to make him happy. Otherwise, my stepfather will be even meaner to me during the trip. He is already going to snicker at everything I say or do, and make sarcastic comments. But...He might take away my brother, and I will not get to play with him. ( my brother is 9 years old).

So he has to stay happy.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi It sounds like this visit will be stressful for you. I hope you can take alot of breaks and escape into your bedroom or go for a walk. Do you have an literature on recovery to read to ground yourself.

It sounds like you are doing the best you can to accomodate him. I sure hope the visit goes smoothly and that it will not trigger you too much. Remember we are all rooting for you. I believe in you. You have alot of inner strength and have so many good ideas. You are doing all you can.

Here is a little trick I used to use when my in laws would come over. When things got weird, I would tell myself this is how martians act. And for some reason it worked so that I did not take it personally. You will find your own way, I am confident of that. Big Hugs.