Questioning The Relationship With My Mother

[Eleanor]

Ayesha:

Reality check: I have lived on four continents. I am a "third culture kid". I am at home in at least three cultures, and have more than passing familiarity with about five more. I have a Master's degree in cross cultural ethics from a world class university. My siblings live in three countries on two continents. I know of NO culture or context in which you stepfather is not being a total clod - not to say a complete jerk. Rude is rude. Insensitive is insensitive. Demanding is demanding. Your stepfather is objectively and cross culturally a jerk. You may tell your husband that I said so, and if he would like an analysis specific to his culture, he has merely to ask.:ninja: :cool:;)

Bravo for you for keeping your aims and ends in view, and keeping the whole thing in perspective.

Under the circumstances I think you ought to take this as an opportunity to feel superior and to practice being "arch." There are not so many contexts in which "arch-ness" can be appropriately practiced - but this is one of them. You may say things like "Indeed?" and "Oh, is that so?" and "Well I never..." and "You don't say?" At the same time you are free to make awesomely yummy meals for yourself and everyone else - even go out to dinner without him.

On second thought, give away the dressing and pizza, and when he arrives apologize for not having the stuff on hand, and let HIM (minus mom and brother) go off to get them... preferably with a slightly incorrect map... :D

I am sorry you have to deal with him Ayesha. Really really sorry. Hang in there...

 

[mamachick]

I say compromise as much as you feel comfortable with. Then tell him that this is your home and how it is done-and expect appreciation. No games and no pretense.

In his house it was his way or the highway, now its your way or send your husband to cosco with him and let them bond. Your husband would likely be glad to detour and keep him out of your hair for the day searching for his favorite products

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Flash of a memory...

When I was young ( about 12?), my mother bought me a petit fours cake for my birthday. I managed to get some people to come to my birthday party and each of the people invited ate a petit fours and then ran off to play, all to excited to eat more cake.

While we all were playing my stepfather ate my entire cake...

:mad:

I know thinking of these memories doesn't help. It just leaked through...

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am already starting to feel like a kid in the middle of a parent's fight. For some reason I feel like the only one trying to keep a cool head. I am also running around trying to please everyone else, with the thought in the back of my head of...if they are happy, I will be too.

My mother is pretty much begging me to do as my stepfather asks, though sometimes I wonder if she thinks my stepfather's behavior is normal. And sense I know how miserable he will make her and she is already not feeling well...I will do it. My husband however seems to have already reached the end of his patience. Which is weird, because he is usually full of patience. My stepfather seems to be the only person I have ever known to test my husband patience like that.

I got the dressing from wal-mart. I also got some oreo's because I know how much my stepfather and brother like them. I also bought my brother those swimming noddle things, for when he goes swimming while he is here. :)

 

[Eleanor]

"Would try the patience of a saint." Just looked that up. Found your step father.

I am sorry he abuses you mother - and you can neither protect her (unless she comes to you seeking shelter) or prevent the abuse, no matter how hard you try. He IS going to be horrible to her - they are travelling, and he CANNOT have everything just like it is at home - a priori. He decided to go. He wasn't invited, and he's not really welcome. If/when he complains AT ALL, you are totally within your rights to point that he decided to come on his own, you are sorry he is unhappy, and perhaps it would be best for all involved if he stayed home next time you mom and brother visited as traveling seems quite stressful to him.

I hope you and your brother have a super time.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My brain won't shut up of all the different possibilities of Saturday.

I am not sure what I am expecting on Saturday, with my mother's joint session with my psychologist. She won't ofter a apology. And even if she did I will not know what to do with it. I won't accept it, and I hope people here will not think less of me.

My husband thinks at some point she will cry.

I think she will try to bully me or my T. That she will lie to him and expect him to side with all her nonsense. She will point fingers and it will be at me.

If all she really wants is for me to "talk" about my past, I don't think I will. What is the point of that, really? So she can tell my family what I told her? So she can feel better that I manged to get myself traumatize over and over again? ( therefore it can't be any of her fault.) She still lives with one of the biggest problems of my childhood and teenage years. He ( stepfather) was one of the biggest reason I could not talk to her. I was just a bad kid to them.

And anyway I look at this, Saturday is purely for her befit. There does not seem to be any point. Does anyone understand what I mean? Despite her growth in the last few months, I can not get my head past her past actions which have never been anything but vindictive. I don't think her growth as gotten her past that yet. Jealousy and denial, manipulative and lies.

I hate not knowing what to expect. I guess I could ask her, but she already said to "talk", and I wont push it anymore.

My first question to her in session is going to be " What do you want to say?"
And when she says something along the lines of " I want to know of your past?"
I will ask "Why?"


I am trying to remain optimistic. And I think given the circumstances I am.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I doubt I will say much. What is there to say? I want to come across as mature and in control. Talking to much wont get me that. I have to take the lead. With my T doing the guiding and my mother trying her best to get me to "talk". And make herself feel better.

Will my T call her out? I don't know.

I already know I will look at him a few times with helpless eyes. Confused eyes. And what to I say/ do? He will look out for my best interests. He knows my past, he knows what a bad mother she was.

I will be recording the session. My T wont know and my mother will not know.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

"Would try the patience of a saint." Just looked that up. Found your step father.

LOL. Thanks Eleanor. I needed the laugh! :D:roflmao:

I am sorry he abuses you mother - and you can neither protect her (unless she comes to you seeking shelter)

If she ever needed a place to live or shelter, she would get it. No questions asked.

 

[Eleanor]

Ayesha, I don't know what kind of award they give for agreeing to do a session with your mother - but there should be something... I know it is probably pointless to say this, because I am not sure it is even possible, but try not to "do" the session in your head before the session. You know the worst case scenario - "jealousy, denial, manipulation and lies." Have a plan for how to deal with it. Decide what your intention is for the session (and that would probably be a good thing to ask her at the start too - what her intention is for this session) Speak your truth. If she gets abusive - at all, any lie, any manipulation - you could call her on it, or you could just leave. It is not jail. You are an adult. You don't have to put up with anything. Not One Thing.

Instead of going down the horrible path thinking about this - could you instead visualize and imagine hearing what you WANT to have her say. Honestly, this can have the most surprising effects. When you switch your energy to a more positive channel ... as Goethe said "the world moves with you." You might end up with a better outcome - if not, at least you minimized the suffering before the fact.

I'm afraid she is not likely to leave her "comfort zone" any time soon - better for you, worse for her.:(

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Good advice Eleanor. I will take it to heart. :)

 

[Eleanor]

I am so hoping for a happy outcome of this session for you both!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Ayesha this is beginning to feel like crazymaking and high drama. What was once a innocent, my mom is going into therapy with me, has turned into a 3 ring circus with you jumping through some hoops. I commend you for looking out for your stepfathers comforts.

You can always send him home. We took our father in law to Vegas for our daughters 16 year birthday, she wanted to go. We paid for everything, and he was a miserable bastard. It was all too expensive for him, he was uncomfortable with how expensive everything was, and he was making everyone miserable. At one point he said he wanted to go home. My mother in law and me said he should go home. It was my husband who fought for him to stay. He was treating his parents and he had never done that before. but he just kept up on being a bg jerk.

I sure hope this adventure won't do that to you. You are doing your best. I imagine that you are getting upset and triggered now. I am so sad that he is so toxic for you. I sure hope it goes better for you than it went for us. By the time we dropped them off at home, we could'nt wait to get out of there. He ruined my daughters birthday. Luckily she had brought a friend so it was'nt al total loss.

We stopped into a casino he was comfortable in to have breakfast, and he wanted to stay. He was so selfish. The get better at their games as they get older.

I hope you have some limits, boundries, strategies, and escape plans for yourself. Just keep on taking care of yourself and keep yourself safe at all times. Good luck, you never know it could turn out good miraculously. We can always dream and hope. Hugs to you. Let us know how it goes.