Questioning The Relationship With My Mother

[Lady of Longbourn]

Ayesha this is beginning to feel like crazymaking and high drama. What was once a innocent, my mom is going into therapy with me, has turned into a 3 ring circus with you jumping through some hoops. I commend you for looking out for your stepfathers comforts.

Oops I did not mean to come across as being dramatic. :( Sorry about that. I know how crazy I must be sounding. I am a bit triggered, but mostly I feel like I am going to be facing a big change with the relationship with my mother.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

No, you are not being dramatic, sorry I did not make that more clear. It is your stepfather who is doing the high drama and the crazymaking with all of his requests. I know you are triggered. I am sorry for the mix up. I do not know what will happen with your mom, who knows it could turn out well for both of you. I like to be as positive as I can. Many hugs to you. You are doing fine. Please take good care of yourself.

 

[mamachick]

Ayesha, I was just wondering how their visit came about and how far they are traveling? I didnt know weather they announced to you that they were coming to visit or if you invited them, or you invited your mom and brother and the step dad must come too.

I know with my sister (about 8 hours away), she announces when she will be coming. I have often left an open invitation but she has never asked me if I have anything going on during her planned visit. A couple years ago, she came with her husband at Thanksgiving (they do not sleep together). She brought her 2 dogs and bird in cage that is 6 ft tall. When I led them to the guest room, she reminded me that they do not sleep together. She then went around the house and tried every bed. She decided the best one for her was my daughters-who was home from college. So my daughter moved into another guest room.

My sister would lay in bed several hours everyday, and as I would carry things up or down the steps, she would yell for me to come see her. My daughter was so mad at me for allowing her aunt to "chose" her room but I was so unprepared for this. My daughters stuff was in her room and she either interupted my sister or did without.

I understand how this must be taxing your husbands patience. Hang in there.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My mother and I have been talking about it for months now. It would have been easier if I had gone to her house, but my stepfather is even worse if I visit her ( he follows my husband and I around the house, and makes little comments or just ignores us if you talk to him), plus going to the city and house I was abused at is very hard.

My stepfather invited himself, becasue he would only let my brother visit if he came along. All the sudden he was coming too.

They are traveling about 3 or 4 hours by plane.

Yeah, its...taxing. But I think I am handling it pretty good right now. The house is clean, but still homely. I found that while I am cleaning the house, that it still can be mine; it does not have to be spotless, just clean.

Everything is ready for them. :) And I am...calm now. Writing on the thread really helps! :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have never known my husband to be this angry and unaccommodating.

He is almost refusing to go with me to pick them up at the airport. I am shocked that he is trying to put me in this situation, this is something he has never done before. I would have to explain why he is not there, husband says just them that I slept in. :eek: I have never known him to be this...rude...no, that's not the right word? Vengeful?

He wants to know why he would go to the airport to see someone who doesn't even say hi to him.( my stepfather) I think hes a little mad at my mother too. When my mother called him a few days ago, he talked to her about our joint therapy together. He was concerned, and did not like the idea. He was sticking up for me, and this is something I think he is going to do while they are here. I am half expecting a fight, that's how bad he attitude is getting. I can't even tell him to calm down, because he has the right to be angry and the right to speak his mind. Honestly, I don't blame him. But this is so unlike him...he is usually too lenient with people. I am usually the one that picks fights. He is protecting me, shielding me.

But, ultimately this is for my half-brother and the hope of improving my relationship with my mother, or destroying it. However it works out.

I am still optimistic.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

So far things are going great! My stepfather is actually acting nice. My husband as calmed down a lot, and now he is really excited and talking a lot.

Therapy went okay. My T called her out on things two or three times.

She wanted to know my history of trauma. She wanted me to be able to talk to here, in the future. She wanted to be able to help and me reach out to her if I needed her. And my T helped me through telling my story. She wanted to know what she should have done differently. So I told my story, a very short, almost no detail story. I was aware how easily I would scare her.

There was a few things that caught my attention that she said that bothered me.

1. The fact that I should have gotten therapy as a child. She keep giving excuses and trying to put the blame on other people. My T called her out of this. So did I. I told her that I did not understand how she could be told by a doctor ( my stepfather), that I have a serious mental illness and she did not do anything about it. I told her that I thought my life would have been a lot different if I had gotten help. This was really the only time I showed anger.

More of this later.

2.She did a little lying about when I was 19 years old. She said she never wanted to "kick me out", she "just wanted me to be strong and independent". I know many people here will say that when it comes to mental illness, being "strong" doesn't always get you far or even really help you much. This holds true even more if you have 2 serious mental illnesses, completely untreated. I told them that I though the amount of time between my traumas and then starting having to work was too short. ( she pushed me into this, I was not ready. It was only 1 month between end of the traumas and starting work). I said that after being sexually abused for 6 years, I should have had some time to recover. I should have been hospitalized, I should have spent months getting help.

3. She did not understand why I left my husband for 2 months. I explained that I thought my husband deserved better, and I hoped that after a while he would have moved on and got someone better then me. I thought he could get someone who did not have 1. Mental illness 2. Was able to clean the house 3. was able to function on a daily bases. She was worried that my husband was abusive or that maybe he was not understanding because he is Indian ( meaning culture ).

She still didn't really get it. My T jumped into this, and basically told her not to argue with me about why, to just listen.

She did do some talking about herself. My T had to interrupt her and guide her back. T was basically saying " Don't talk about yourself, this is not about you..." It did sort of annoy me when she would do that. This is common with her. Her responses to me never having any friends when I was young was... " Well, I did not have many friends either. ..." :rolleyes:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My family and I came home after being out for 6 hours. It is a hot day. And when we walk into our apartment I notice that it is hot, in our apartment. I right away think that the AC is broken. Only then do I realize someone has messed with our AC. My stepfather had turned it off before we left.

Okay, I know this is a relatively small thing, but it annoys the hell out of me. He had absolutely NO right to do that.

 

[ClairBear226]

Hey, Hon. Was wondering how the visit was going. Looks like it's had its ups and downs, to be sure.

Only then do I realize someone has messed with our AC. My stepfather had turned it off before we left.

That sounds like a possible control issue/ lack of respect for boundaries. It is really not reasonable for a person to go into another person's home, and change anything without permission.

How did it feel to call your mother's bluff on so many issues? Any backlash later? Good for you. I know how hard that must have been, but it probably feels pretty good.

(((HUGS))) Thinking of you this morning.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I don't have a lot of time, but I want to say that it has been going well. Stepfather and I are getting along, and stepfather and husband played chess together last night.

I am not sure now if my stepfather changed the AC. He says he did not.

The backlash? Well, there really hasn't been any so far. She is being very understanding. She wants to start attending Bipolar Support groups ( they are also for family) in her city. She wants to help. Of course, it all depends if she does go, it might be just talk.

But I am still waiting, like I said before. I am waiting because I don't know how far this is going. I wont put all my cards on the table yet.

This is shocking me. This is NOT what I thought would happen.

 

[Eleanor]

Sorry I lost track of this thread. WOW. I hope the visit ended as positive as it was going.

Maybe miracles do happen.:)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My mother is starting to go back to our relationship before her visit. This does not surprise me and it does not surprise my T. I call it "putting on a show". And what a nice show it was.

I still watch and wait and see what happens.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am thinking about the first joint session me and my mother had together. It was 5 years ago when I was 19 years old.

My T at the time knew I had PTSD, and he might have had a thought that there was more going on with me. Our session was a blame game, with my mother doing all the blaming and no listening. I just sat there and took it, I said very little and hated myself.

I thought of suicide all the time. I was a freaking mess. And all she wanted to talk about was her and how I was such a f*ck up.