Questioning The Relationship With My Mother

[Eleanor]

Two steps forward, one step back.

You are awesome for allowing her the opportunity to take these steps at all, Ayesha. I admire you greatly for it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

It's been over a month since her visit. She has done nothing that she said she would. And even though she said she will not tell my family what I told her, I am sure after some time she will.

I have no reason to trust her. She has not proving herself to deserve it.

I realized something today... Let's say you have a line. On the right side of the line is the people I trust. And on the left side is all my abusers. My mother is getting closer closer to the left side, the abusers side.

I am running out of patience with her. I am finding that I probably will never be able to forgive her.

She is not actively trying to recover and improve her own mental health. She just talks and makes a lot of excuses. She says one thing and does another. I can not keep pulling her along. I keep hoping that she will wake up and help herself. She doesn't. And she hurts me and bring me down in the process.

I don't know how long I can keep up this relationship. I do not see it as healthy.

Sometimes I really want to end it.

 

[Eleanor]

(((((((((Ayesha)))))))))

Dashed hopes are the worst. It takes a great deal of courage and stamina to give people chances to recover. It is what moral philosophers call "super-erogatory" that is to say, "above and beyond the call of duty." You get lots of extra credit for holding out a hand and trying with her. You may stop any time you like without (justified) guilt.

Keeping you both in my prayers...

 

[mamachick]

Ayesha-It might be to personal to ask, but what did she say that she would do and is not? Have the timeframe promised passed? I hear your disappointment and am so sorry. Is there any possibliity that she is digesting things and will not betray your trust?
Sorry you are going thru this. (((hugs)))

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Some of it is her actions that are causing me to think this. They are not different then before; nothing has changed. She is going back to blaming. And she said a lot of things while she was here...small things but she is not doing them nor does it look like she is going too. This is normal with her. And not very tolerable to me.

Mostly it is becasue in my head and the more I sort through my childhood, the more I am starting to place her with my abusers. I am not sure what I should be feeling with this. I can't help this feeling.

 

[ms spock]

He was concerned, and did not like the idea. He was sticking up for me, and this is something I think he is going to do while they are here. I am half expecting a fight, that's how bad he attitude is getting. I can't even tell him to calm down, because he has the right to be angry and the right to speak his mind. Honestly, I don't blame him.

I am glad that your husband is being protective of you and I am also glad that you can appreciate his being protective of you.

And she hurts me and bring me down in the process.

I don't know how long I can keep up this relationship. I do not see it as healthy.

Sometimes I really want to end it.

This is a difficult position to be in.

I had to end my family relationships because it was an exercise in futility. People, on the whole, don't change. I have worked my butt off and it is hard to change when you really want to, as you know.

My mother is starting to go back to our relationship before her visit. This does not surprise me and it does not surprise my T.

It is not surprising, but very disappointing.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have been thinking a lot about past memories and bringing ones I thought I had forgotten to the surface. It's not putting my mother in the best light.

I thought of this thread becasue I am thinking about...Relationship with my mother? A bit messed up in my opinion.

 

[Abstract]

instead of hiding

Hi Ayesha,
I think this can be the hardest part. And when we start allowing ourselves to see then a lot of feelings come up and need to be allowed.

Allowing our feelings and awareness is the first part of healing and then later we can make decisions (in my opinion). Once we know the full truth we can sometimes set new boundaries and make things work. Other times we decide the cost is too high for where we are and therefore need proper distance. Much support for your facing of your truth.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I told my mother yesterday that I was feeling depressed. "Why?" She asks. But her tone was mean and questioning instead of supportive.

 

[JustBe]

Be careful there...take care of YOU.

 

[ms spock]

It might not be a good idea to open yourself up to someone who is not supportative of you Ayesha. It is best to have a surface level and polite relationship with people that aren't really supportative.

 

[Abstract]

It might not be a good idea to open yourself up to someone who is not supportative of you Ayesha

I totally agree with Ms Spock. All of what she said.

When I started coming to terms with my relationship with my mother (and others) then I started realising how important it was to only share with those that have earned my trust. It sounds like your relationship with your mother is far from being that at this point.