Sufferer Quicksand

[Subsonic_x]

My name is Mike

While my story is long and unbelievable I don't much like to talk about it. Haha ironic right? I served with honor in the U.S. Army for 11 years and deployed on many occasions to Bosnia, Afghanistan, and Iraq. I was eventually wounded and it ended my career. I earned a TBI, and a lot of wounded pride. When I got home, I thought that all was going to be well. I thought I was in the clear, but I am not. in fact, it is quite the opposite. I am now tearing apart a wonderful marriage to a wonderful woman. All she wants is for her husband to be there for her, but when she gets even the slightest bit upset, I always feel that it because of something I did. I am completely unable to comfort her in her times of need. She has to be the strong one and ends up taking care of me, especially when I check out and I my brain tells me that I am somewhere else. It feels like i stepped into quicksand. The harder that I struggle and fight it the faster that I sink.. and If i just relax I just sink slower. I am getting to the point where I feel absolutely hopeless. I am not sure if this is the place to be, but I will sure as Hell try anything at this point. I just need to be a part of the "Been there, done that " crew and hopefully find some answers from people who have escaped the quick sand.

 

[bell]

Welcome! And are you currently in therapy?

I'm afraid that in order to be in the "been there, done that" crew, therapy is a pretty integral part of the process... because that quicksand is a jerk who will keep dragging you down until it's just your eyes and nose peeking out from the ground. I.e., don't let it consume you, relax into it by getting the help you need, which should help your marriage and save yourself.

I have in no way fully escaped my own quicksand, but there's much more of me on top of it than there was a few years ago. Instead of being buried alive, I can almost see my whole self again, something that was almost impossible at one point. It's a long hard slog, but ultimately one that's worth it.

 

[arfie]

Been there, done that. Still not risking over-confidence that I have escaped entirely. Hence, my presence here. This is a sneaky disorder. On-going maintenance helps me avoid walking back into the quicksand. I pray...

I needed a rope woven of strands from an entire support network to pull me out of that quicksand. The first strand was an honest, open statement like the one you just posted here.

Keep weaving subsonic. You are right about fighting it causing a more rapid descent.

And go give that beautiful wife an appreciative hug.

 

[Everhopeful]

Dear Mike, it sounds from your writing that you are a good and honourable man who has tried to do what is right in life. A Traumatic Brain Injury in addition to the PTSD of returning from multiple war situations over 11 years, is a difficult thing to deal with as it (the TBI) can also bring about mood swings and thought and behavioural changes in addition to the PTSD. Please be kind to yourself, you have been to places and seen things about which those around you in your normal surroundings have no real idea. And now you are asked to "slot in perfectly" into your everyday civilian life again as if nothing ever happened. Life carries on, but will never be the same for those of you who have been part of the realities of war.

Wishing you all the best for the way forward.

 

[Subsonic_x]

Thank you all so much for the kind words and the advice. It has been a very tough tough road, walking through the shards of self grief, and self destruction has taken its toll. While, I have repeatedly attempted to go to therapy, I seem to scare the snot out of people when they try to help. I am systematically looking for help and peeling apart the layers of crap that is stopping me from getting help. It may seem like an onion all the time, but I know that there is something better when i get to the center of it... At least i hope this to be true.

 

[Hashi]

Welcome.

I like the way you use metaphors to express yourself. I've found this very helpful, and have done a metaphor exercise a lot where you take a feeling and choose a metaphor for it, then describe the metaphor, what it looks like, if/how it moves, what it does, what it would say if it could speak, what you wish it would say etc. I wonder what characteristics your quicksand has, what it would say to you if it had a voice, and what you'd most like it to say.

Anyway, I hope that being here on the forum will help you.

 

[Subsonic_x]

Like a tar with camouflage, Quicksand can have any face it wants. It could be your neighbor, your parents, your children or a tree branch in road. Quicksand doesn't need a voice when it just is. Its smoke and whispers of a thousand voices creeping deep inside. it is oxygen to metal, it is cancer to the soul. It is a parasite that grows as it feeds upon your strength and your wellness. The quicksand is a silence that screams and it is a darkness that shadows flee from. What would I like it to say? I would like it to say anything.. just so i can hear it coming.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Mike,

PTSD is much like sinking, but by reaching out and pursuing various treatment options the sinking can stop and a person can dig themselves out. There is a related site that you may find helpful: MyCombatPTSD.com.

I hope you find the time that you spend here beneficial.

Take care.

Debbie