General Rage and a Fist Through a Wall

[Cowgirl]

This past weekend, my DH and I were painting a room in our house, which is to be our master bedroom. He was edgy, as he has been a lot lately. He is not good with drywall repair, and made an area look like ... well, like decorative frosting on a cake as opposed to a nice smooth finish. I have a bit of construction knowledge, and so I asked him for the drywall knife. I fixed the still wet drywall mud. I was cheerful about it, hoping to show him one of the trade skills I know.

BIG MISTAKE on my part!!! I should just let anything like that slide and figure that a bumpy wall is a small price to pay. But I couldn't do it, not in the prominent place it was.

And, of course, he had a very bruised male ego. A girl isn't supposed to know more about construction than a guy, right? Especially a guy with PTSD who has been on edge a lot lately. No matter how nicely you try to show a guy how to do something "manly" he's not going to take it well.

He ramped up fast, screaming that I could finish the project myself. In fact, he was leaving me to go "home" (to his mom's). Then, like a flash, he slammed his fist through the drywall, and this was not far from ME, so of course, I felt physically threatened.

I don't deal well with physical threats, so I started yelling at him and told him to go ahead and run home to his mom, he'd be happier there. I learned as a small child not to cow-tow to bullies or they'll run over you like a steam roller, and I think he might have if I hadn't gotten riled up like I did.

Then I went to get drywall tape to fix the hole. He followed me, yelling at me the whole way. I yelled back at him that where I come from decent people don't go around bashing holes in walls. He picked up a large hammer and threatened to knock holes in more walls. He started back for the house, and I yelled that if he took one more step I was calling the police.

THEN he yelled that he would take out all the cops in the area!?! I would not back down, I would not cower, I would not cringe - I was too pumped full of adrenaline for that, I think. I felt like I MIGHT have to fight him, and he's darned near twice as big as me!

And then he went to patch the drywall himself.

I won't belabor the rest of the day, but that is the part of it that still haunts me.

I am very unsure of how to handle this. I hope that I made it abundantly clear that punching holes in walls is completely unacceptable. But now, two days later, I worry that his temper is now so out of control that he might hit ME next time.

I know I cannot be the only PTSD spouse ever to confront a violent display of this nature. But this is a first for ME, and I'm simply rather shaken by the whole experience.

Clearly, I cannot show him how to do "manly" things. I guess now I just have to either hire something done or do it myself when he's not home or deal with it being done "creatively." But even though I tried to be cheerful in showing him drywall mudding technique, well ... the results were disastrous!!! We ended up with a large hole in the wall, and though I stood my ground at the time, now I'm very, very rattled by it all.

Even if I never do something to trigger him again in that way, I'm bound to trigger him in some other way. I'm concerned that now that he's crossed that line, there's more to come. It has really rattled me.

Advice please???

 

[2quilt]

fist through the wall

I would have packed up and left him before the paint dried. I grew up in a house of weekly violence, as well as the constant threat of violence and I swore to myself at a young age that when I got free from that life, that no man (or woman) would ever raise his hand to me again, and live to see the sun rise again. I promised to go to jail for murder rather than live in fear and oppression.

Now that I am older, I had several boyfriends and one fiancee with a temper, and who hit walls in anger. They were doing that to see how far they could get away with. I don't play that game. My a$$ was out of the relationship before his hand bruises began to form. I won't plan a murder like I did as a child, instead, I leave completely.

He has lost respect for you. He wants to control you. My father had this cycle where he would beat the consciousness out of all of us, then say that WE made him do it. Even if your man says he's sorry, the cycle of violence and apology/ blame will repeat. Do you want to live that way? I guarantee you that he will do it again.

I have PTSD from multiple sources, but that does not give me license to hit my husband, or anyone. I am still responsible for my actions. PTSD is no excuse to abuse my spouse.

He is hitting the wall now, but in a few months, he will hit you. If you don't leave then, he will put you in the hospital or the morgue, it's only a matter of time. I am just being honest. Get out now.

 

[Awakening]

He is hitting the wall now, but in a few months, he will hit you. If you don't leave then, he will put you in the hospital or the morgue, it's only a matter of time. I am just being honest. Get out now.

I think the above quote is a bit extreme, although understandable given your upbringing.

Not everyone who throws things or hits a wall ends up a few months later hitting their spouse or putting them in hospital.

Some people just have a volatile temper and express it that way but would never dream of acting out that violence on another person.

However. That all said, his behaviour is unacceptable - PTSD or no PTSD.
Cowgirl, it sounds like you need to think more about how you feel about this, whether it's okay or not, and what the consequences are if he does it again.

You may well decide that it's not okay with you and the consequences are; he needs to see a therapist, he needs to do an anger management course or you leave or he leave for a night (or longer).

If you don't put your foot down and set some clear boundaries then there is a strong possibility that he will act out his anger in that way again, then apologise & so on as 2quilt described. It may not necessarily escalate but that pattern will most likely continue.

It's most likely not a pattern you would like to have in your relationship. Generally I find the best time to talk about these things is when the emotions have subsided & you are both feeling calmer.

Good luck.

 

[becvan]

I second everything Awakening said.

bec

 

[Nicolette]

As I said somewhere earlier.... what we "allow" as behaviour can become "acceptable" behaviour.

What I mean by this is if you do not set boundaries and have consequences (even on the first time) then the next time it does become 'easier' for the behaviour to occur on a subsequent occasion.

 

[Cowgirl]

Yesterday, when he was calmer, I told him that I love him, but violence is completely unacceptable, and I will not tolerate that in my life. I believe ... hope ... that I have defined a clear boundary. Sometimes what seems completely clear to me seems less so to him. But I think I've gotten the message through.

When he did what he did, I think he may have expected a different reaction from me - I don't think he was expecting me to be squaring off to fight him if I had to. Oddly, he expressed hurt that I actually told him to go home to his mom when he threatened to do so.

I think you all are correct, that one must not allow such things. I certainly reacted strongly to it, and not in a way that would make him feel good, or empowered, or wanting to do it again. At least, I am hoping that there was no brain chemistry "reward" that he got out of that exchange.

If there is a next time, I'll be leaving for a few days at minimum.

Cowgirl

 

[Roo]

Hi, all...Cowgirl, your post was particularly timely for me. I live in a walk-up apartment; the next-door neighbors are a father and his two sons (late teens and early 20s). The two kids are constantly fighting with each other, their "friends", their father. Yesterday afternoon, when I was home alone, there was a level of screaming and crashing around that was new and terrifying -- two crashes in particular sent me to the phone to call 911. Other residents did as well. Long story short: someone had kicked a hole into a hallway wall, and in the kids' apartment, one wall has a huge crack in it. Cops and a forensic unit arrived. My husband and I spoke with our superintendents (great people) and among other things, charges are being laid. Hopefully these people will be evicted; these kids have been nothing but trouble for the two years they've been here. I know that their presence has triggered PTSD symptoms in me.

I was terrified and still feel shaky today. Violence is totally unacceptable behaviour and whoever is subject to it (in this case, you), I think, has to put survival first. We humans like to think that we are rational creatures -- and we are, in part. We also operate instinctively, reactively, and impulsively.

Cowgirl, your mate's behaviour won't change easily. It can change, if he wants to work with it and consider options to de-escalate his rage. But for you -- at the earliest sign that he's raging -- GET OUT. Whether or not he's actually aiming his rage at you...you are a potential target, just by being present. People don't think when they're raging. They simply strike out. Don't put yourself at any further risk.

All the best,

Roo

 

[unbroken]

I grew up in a rather violent household where we were "taught" that physical violence against inanimate objects is how to handle rage. Fist through the wall were commonplace, and he even through our dog through the wall once. Since this is what we not only witnessed, but what we thought was 'normal', some of us carried that type of rage as we got older.

I'm not going to lie and say I've never done it, because I have, but I also learned quickly that it only costs me money (and possible embarrassment). I have two younger brothers, however, that have not gotten a grip on their rage. The older would beat all hell out of anything that was in his path, and his garage walls were a testament to his uncontrollable rage. He once shoved his wife, and told me about it realizing how wrong it was. I told him that he crossed the line, and that if he ever hit her I would breathe fire down his neck for it. (Probably not the right way for me to react, but I don't tolerate that in anyone). He doesn't seem to be particularly embarrassed that others have said something to him, usually reacting by telling them to mind their own farking business. I do fear that he would strike his own child in a fit of rage because I do think he crossed the line with that shove.

My youngest brother is on his third marriage and when I visited him once during his second, I noticed his marriage was spiralling downward. His rage was evident in their home, where nearly every time I visited I saw a new remnant of his hostility - holes in walls, broken shelves, doors off their hinges, etc. His wife confided in me that she was afraid of him, which only seemed to anger him even more since she "apparently" didn't trust him, fearing he would turn on her, or worse, their daughter. He adamantly denied that he would (or could) ever do that, but he just didn't get it that a young woman who has never seen that type of rage in her young life was afraid of him. I tried to tell him that she didn't ever see that growing up and that there was no way she could know what his limits are, especially when he is that enraged.

It was then that I told my brother this, and I whole heartedly believe this:
There is only one way to prove that you will not strike your wife or child, and that time will come on the day that you die when one can look back on your life and determine whether you had ever struck them. I told him that he CANNOT prove that he won't do it, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how much he explains, he has to just live with the fact that he had displayed rage, and that rage doesn't have a limit.

He didn't like it, and didn't talk to me for years after that visit because I told him something that he didn't want to hear. In all honesty, I don't think he could, but I won't tell him that, I will only tell him that he was bordering on the line and only one blood vessel away from crossing it. He eventually got some counseling, but we don't talk much anymore like we used to.

I'm not in total agreement that a fist through a wall is a sure sign of worse things to come, because I do believe that people can change. But I won't deny that it's possible that it could lead to worse. They can change, but only if they can fully accept that their actions, or reactions, are unacceptable and inappropriate. If you take the violence lightly, they will take it lightly as well, so putting your foot down (or up his arse) is the right way to deal with it, IMHO. I'm a guy, but I would not tolerate that in my home no matter who it was. My father never really changed, and after he remarried he even put her in the hospital. Sadly, she is still with him. He never saw his rage as unacceptable - therefore he is not capable of change. This is why I haven't talked to him in about 25 years.