Rage One Day And Ashamed The Next

[Punky143]

Our office moved yesterday. I hate change. I hate being lied to in that I lost half of my space. I hate my boss. From 6am till 9pm I stayed in one of my parts, the angry one all day despite trying to use skills etc. During work I did the following: threw things, obsessed about a missing file holder and determined to find who stole it, tried to unpack but as soon as I did, disassociated, then got angry and give up, announced several times that I wasn't doing any work followed by throwing my hands up in the air saying "f*ck em", ignored my boss, left the office and roamed, took a longer lunch, and called my T and left a bit so good message etc. etc. I was out of control. But today, ashamed of myself, embarrassed and don't want to engage in any conversations. Does anyone else go through this?

 

[Bloomy]

Somewhat yes and as Ive learned from Ladee today it gives me a loads of toxic shame feelings.

What is Toxic Shame? | Psych Central

Im trying to learn how to regulate and thereby control the outburst I can get in dificult situations. And also try to not fall into the shame trap if I do.

 

[Snowflake]

I hate change as well. I need routine and consistency. Recently my job went through a change with our payroll. We were salary and now hourly-it messed up our payroll/clock in and out/PTO program. I was/am frustrated and I hate work and my job now. I know change is normal in life -but I struggle with it-doesn't feel safe.

 

[lymphomamama]

Oh Punky, if you only knew. I've done similar things at work and home. The anger gets going and we can lose ourselves totally. I was a nurse and sometimes I know (now) I shouldn't have been there at all. I've thrown things around, yelled, made accusations, cussed, etc. Near the end of my career I got so angry with a young nurse that I spent 2 days making sure she was fired for insubordination. Of course I later felt bad when I was myself again. She found a position right away, of course because it was ME, not her, that was out of line and I imagine by then my antics were known to others in the field. I still hold guilt over rages I had with my kids and they are both well into adulthood. That toxic shame stuff... Yeah.

I hope you feel better and more in control now. I know it's hard to face the people you've freaked out of accused. It's hard to apologize and admit we were out of line but it goes a long way to easing their hurt and anger.

Does your employer know of your struggle and the reason behind your behavior? This is a small town so pretty much everyone knew what happened to me. There was more understanding & empathy than I deserved probably. The reason "why" we crazed out can help people be more understanding. Just my experience.

Wishing you a better work week, what's left of it. I hope you get some rest and try not to feel so bad about things that are sometimes out of your control. It's hard to remember and use coping and decompression skills when your mind has left your body.

Just my pointless and unsolicited opinion.

 

[Punky143]

Its not pointless, I really appreciated it actually.
Today was a little better but my boss is an asshole and most people I work with are rude, very dysfunctional office. I would never share my personal info. with anyone here. I have fmla but keep that to myself and try to keep to myself. I'm looking for a new job too. My boss has no respect for me and shoes me away which makes my blood boil. He is a trigger and others are too. Nothing at work is done with common sense or any except if your one of the "lucky ones"