Dom Violence Raising awareness ... of something that might never actually happen in real life

[somerandomguy]

Hi all. I'm going through a little bit of a crisis and I'm not sure what to think or do about it. Many of you know that I am a survivor of domestic physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. It's come to my attention that while the first and second situations are fairly common, the last might really not be.

That is, I can find very, very few examples of men who have gone through sexual abuse at the same time as their other domestic abuse.

So there are two possibilities. First, that it happens, but that men don't want to discuss it, so they don't. (And men rarely discuss being victims of domestic violence anyway.) Or second, that it really doesn't happen very much and so there's nothing to discuss.

I've kind of linked my healing to getting healthy enough to share my story and being an example that yes, it does happen to men. But if it doesn't actually happen to men, who will care? What good would it do to share a story that's unique to me, or close enough to unique?

I feel alone as a male victim of DV as it is. No one talks about it. On the board for men that I go to, I'm alone there too. I understand there are a lot of social forces that prevent men from talking about this. Hell, it's hard for women to talk about it. But maybe I really AM alone in my DV/SA experience. And if I'm alone, sharing my story isn't going to do anyone any good at all. It's nothing but self-absorption and (sorry for this term, but it fits) attention whoring.

Thoughts?

 

[Chris-duck]

I replied in your thread as well. But mind I said in my diary about how there's so many male DV/CSA/sexual abuse resources for dudes in my city after a bunch of guys kicked off about the lack of resources? So, do you think that male sexual abuse is just a problem in *my* city, or just in Scotland, or the UK? (If you do think that, it's totally cool, wouldn't put it past us :rolleyes: :P ) but if you don't think that, then surely it's more likely to be that people aren't talking about it? If it happens here and those places still exist ten or so years on, so presumably get used, then it happens other places IMO.

 

[Ronin]

I assume just groups and literature / research are lacking, not that you are alone, and that there are many other men wondering the same questions you are...

Though still, even if you were alone? That logic still does not work, because:
A, If it is an unique phenomenon NOW, then it might help someone else in the future, so it is worthy to talk of it,

B, If it is unique to you, then you deserve the help still AND it is a learning opportunity for care providers.... Much like if there is a new syndrome, it advances medicine to understand it, instead of holding the whole science back.
So still, merit in sharing.

C, Asking for attention to something happening (as you have it: attention whoring) is a good thing. Think of it as a fire: All of them attention whores seeing it and reporting it? Are saving lives. Shutting up about it, or worse, going all: There is no fire :zipmouth: ... does not help deal with what is.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I think you deserve to be heard and understood SRG. You deserve to heal for yourself not necessarily for the greater societal good. If sharing your story help you process, heal and put behind you that abuse you should think about doing it bud.

You ask who will care and I think everyone here and that cares about you would care. You aren't alone and I wonder what do you think you would get out of sharing your story, just you, not others? Do you think it would help you process the stuff or get it off your back a little?

You are such a strong man, already a beacon for many. You will make the right decision. Stay strong man, you have come so far and have made such amazing strides in your healing journey. I hope you recognize and are proud of all those "wins".

 

[Teasel]

My bet is that it does happen to other men and it's not talked about.

Have to say I've nothing but admiration for you talking about what's happend to you, think it's important to talk about, and you will be helping pave the way for other men who feel they can't talk about it.

Totally get that it must be distressing not to find other voices mirroring your experience. X

 

[Ronin]

Reminds me...

Pandy's used to have quite an active men section, it was confidences based though for entrance. (Or, both confidences and requesting entry).

So maybe a thing to consider, different access levels and privacy and what not?
May be useful to ask around if they don't happen to have private sections at Malesurvivor or other sites you frequent too (no idea how that one operates.)

 

[EveHarrington]

So there are two possibilities.

A) You are a unicorn.

-or-

B) You are not a unicorn.

I think that most of us who have gone through trauma have an “I’m a unicorn!” phase, no matter what the trauma.

But in the end, there are no unicorns.

 

[bellbird]

But maybe I really AM alone in my DV/SA experience. And if I'm alone, sharing my story isn't going to do anyone any good at all.

Not really clear on your logic here, pal.

It'll help you get the help you deserve, for starters.

And it'll help others.
Even if there weren't any other DV/SA male survivors (which I strongly believe otherwise), you sharing your story on this forum has helped me feel less alone. That's one person at least.

I recognise this type of thinking as the kind that pops up when you're going through a difficult patch, so I hope that you'll take in the comments of the folks here as a means to try and challenge it.

You're not alone.
I understand how and why it must feel like that, but please trust me when I say you aren't.

 

[Ronin]

& Regardless of the other survivors around, one way or the other...

That is trauma talking, all of that ugly how you do not matter, need to keep it to yourself, need to not speak up ever, and such. Trauma could be talking that nonsense at ya even in a room full of people with exactly your trauma history, because it is alienating and full of twists and lies like that.

You are not alone, or deserving of any of it, then, now, future.

 

[littleoc]

Like others are saying: If it happened to you, then it happened to someone. You are someone. And it has happened before.

You are absolutely not alone. In high school, in 2011, this was one of my research topics for reasons. It was something I could look up then, so I imagine the information is just slow to get out.

Many men may not even recognize that they had been sexually abused. The topic is THAT “obscure” that sexual abuse just “doesn’t happen” for some. You went through that yourself.

Even if you were completely alone (which you are not), you’d still be doing good in the world. You’re turning something awful into something positive.

 

[bellbird]

Many men may not even recognize that they had been sexually abused. The topic is THAT “obscure” that sexual abuse just “doesn’t happen” for some.

This.

I mean, it took an army to get me to the place where I could see any of my abuse as abuse. One of the key parties in that being Women's Refuge.

And I am under no illusion that men do not have anywhere near the accessibility to such resources as women do.
There was no "Men's Refuge" down the street to help any man in an analogous situation to my own.
I certainly wish there was.

 

[blackemerald1]

First, that it happens, but that men don't want to discuss it, so they don't.

So..that means what? That they don't think it's important, they don't feel they can, they don't speak in a public forum because of some other reason or they bottle it all up and suffer.

Or second, that it really doesn't happen very much and so there's nothing to discuss.

"very much" - so it's still happening SRG and your're right none of us know the true prevalence of this bc society is so slow to recognise the problem. But those that it has happened to and who do want to discuss this also need a safe place just as much as any woman does.

I would be wary of concluding that bc you don't see it in main stream media or have it being called out that somehow this means you're abuse is not real or important enough to warrant appropriate attention. You do and it does.

Oh and edited to comment on the title of your thread... it does happen in real life SRG - it does. It happened to you and it's happening to others.