Random Childhood Flashbacks Colliding

[ashdawn8287]

Last night while I was taking a bath I had a flashback and let myself feel it. I cried. Right around the time I got sexually abused (4-5 years old) I also almost got kidnapped. And around the same time a 13 year old boy tied me to a pole, which I still have a scar on my wrist, from being tied up for so long. I have always thought about this stuff but I thought it was normal and just pushed it out of my head. I didn't realize how much that stuff impacted my view of the world.

I felt unsafe and scared when I was in the bath and I realize I was not in danger. My eyes just flooded with tears. I'm glad my fiancee pulled me close and held me. I got my sense of safe back.

I asked my mom what happened to me in kindergarten. She said I would never leave her side and I would go to the bathroom in my pants. I couldn't go to school without holding my sisters hand everyday. I had a hard time going to school each morning. It was terrifying.

Last night, it felt like all of those situations collided into one and it was powerful. It was the first time I allowed myself to cry over it. It felt good. It just really threw me off.

 

[ChoctawWarrior]

Aww, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that! That sounds terrible.

My mother told me that after my father died from pancreatic cancer, I nearly stopped talking and isolated myself all the time. I was also EXTREMELY clingy to my mother. Within the many years afterwards, we went through many insane events (I don't feel comfortable talking about all of them right now- most of them are in my intro, though). In my later teen years (like 2 years ago, when I was around 16) I started becoming easily irritated and lashing out in anger- on top of it all, I also have ADHD. The symptoms seemed to get worse after I had a nervous breakdown in October. :cry:

I also slept with my mom until I was 11....I was a pretty scared little kid. I understand how you may have felt....bottom line is, you're not alone. Throughout all of these struggles, we don't only lose, but we gain strength, courage, wisdom, and hopefully pride from how you persevered. :)

It's such a tough road, isn't

 

[ashdawn8287]

Thank you for responding. I slept in my parents room every time I got scared until I moved out when I was 17 haha.

I'm sorry you had a nervous break down, I have experienced one, and they are not fun! Whew do they take the energy out of you!

Those were really uplifting words, I appreciate it.

Yes, my friend it is a tough road, but possible. :)

 

[WillyKat]

You and I have similar stories. I was five when I was abused by a neighbor, about 14 or so. He terrorized me for the next few years until we moved to another town. At school, I'd often wet my pants.

But similarities sort of end there I suppose. I'm lucky in that I don't have many flashbacks. I do have a lot of suicidal intrusions, so much so that it took me years...years to realize that I had them all the time and that they weren't normal. I suppose I got so used to them that I no longer really noticed and never bothered to tell my therapist until a few weeks ago.

I'm so glad that you were able to let it out with a good cry. Letting yourself feel, as much as it hurts, is all good. The alternative is to either not feel or bottle it up. Good for you.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Thank you for sharing and responding.

I am sorry about what you went through.

And yes, I agree. It's good to just feel those bad feelings no matter how much they hurt. It's cleansing to the soul :).