Randomly Attacked - I Hate Feeling Helpless

[Justmehere]

I went to a new therapy office about 5 days ago. I went to get medication management and group therapy support. I was standing in line. I was playing a game on my phone to stay grounded. I was suddenly attacked by another patient. They were screaming out slur words about the minority group that I am a part of.

It was a very "mild" attack. I was able to get away fast. I "only" got scratched on my neck and chest as I got away.

There was someone in the room videotaping the person in the psychotic state just before they approached me. They were filming because they thought the woman was goofy because they are kind of a jerk to film someone in a mental health crisis...

But there is a video tape. I watched it today. There were 5 staff people. People the in waiting room intervened to help me. Not a single staff person did anything. They didn't even tell the person to leave. The head clinical staff person happened to be at the front desk, three feet away from me, and did nothing. Didn't even tell the person stop or to leave or anything.

All in all, it was a clearly not well person not connected to reality, and while that doesn't make it ok, it is different to me than a random violent stranger. I guess.

What disturbs me is that the clinic staff did nothing.

They still do nothing. I asked to switch to a new location. they have 7 locations. They told me today, that this "kind of incident is more likely to happen at other locations."

The person who hurt me was arrested and charged with a violent felony and a hate crime. I didn't "press" charges" I only told the police to keep the person away from me. They decided what to do.

The clinic, they actually told me this is "more likely" to happen again at other locations.

It all hit me yesterday. Why does this happen to me? The staff told me it was not my fault, I did nothing wrong, I did nothing to deserve this or provoke this person.

But this still happened to me, and I am facing a clinical system that is acting like it's no big deal and even likely to happen again. They scheduled me for a therapy session for CBT therapy on Tuesday. I told them they are fooling themselves if they think I'm coming back there. I asked again to go to the other location and they said ok, but then sent me on a run around and told me it was too hard to switch me to the other office. "Too hard."

I sort of lost my own sh*t at that point. I hung up the phone and dissociated and engaged in bad coping skills...

I went to a party the day after this all happened. I forgot about the scratches on my neck. Someone asked me what happened. I told her, "I was at this clinic and a random psychotic person kinda tried to attack me..." She remarked, "why would that happen? Why do these things happen to you?" I shrugged it off but it all hit me now.

I hate feeling helpless. I hate it. More than anything. My fear of being helpless fuels all my self destructive behaviors. But incidents like this, it reinforces my fear of ever being helpless. I am having flashbacks, not so much to the attacker, but feeling the pain and the struggle and fear, and looking at the staff... just standing there. doing nothing. I came for help from them, and when I was in danger, they did nothing.

It's the story of my life. As a child, I remember looking at my neighbors watching me get hit and abused, and they looked, and did nothing. Nothing.

Some people respond to trauma by developing learned helplessness. I went to the other extreme where I act more capable than I am and I fear ever being seen as helpless or ever feeling or being helpless.

I was just mugged a few weeks ago....

I think I am doing something that is putting me in harms way. I don't know what it is. But why would this happen to me again so soon? I don't live in east LA (a dangerous neighborhood). I live in a place that is pretty safe. It's not the mugger, it's not the crazy hateful psychotic person that I fear. But the people in power who stand by and act helpless and do nothing and allow me to be harmed.

I'm not sure what to do with all of this. I'm terrified to tell my therapist what happened. She will tell me I re-enacted trauma again. She will tell me I will never get better if this keeps happening. She will tell me... I don't even know what. I don't care.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I am SO sorry to hear what happened to you. I think you should stand in your truth and write a letter to the board of directors of the clinic and a copy of it to the state medical board. Someone should absolutely stepped into helping getting that psycho away from you. And they should be called out for it. I am sure they have a policy and procedure for this situation and didn't follow it.
As for believing you caused it to happen, well, it's not possible to have that ability unless you do risky behavior. I've been abused and kidnapped and strangled and poison ed and I used to feel I was a magnet to violence. On bad days I still do even though I was clearly just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Too bad it was places I should've been safe, like home and work.
The clinic owes you an apology, and if they really didn't follow procedure you have a suit against them. They should be bending over backward to accommodate you.

 

[seedling]

It's not your fault, it's just. not. your. fault!

Keep going to therapy, find a way to work through your young traumas. If your therapist isn't helping you do that find someone who will. Does your therapist truly seem to blame you or is this a construct you have put on the relationship?

It's an outrage they didn't step in - I would think they would be duty bound as staff to handle the situation. That was not a mild attack!.
You deserve to be safe, to not be attacked by others.

Why do these things happen to you?

This person doesn't know what they're talking about.
Stuff happens to everyone. Sometimes not for a long time, sometimes all at once. Nothing superstitious about it. We all bear our own burdens.

You will be able to handle this and get past it. Keep working at finding good treatment for yourself, reach out until you find people you can trust.
Whatever "signals" you are putting out to others can be worked on and changed until they are the ones you wish to put out. In the meantime, you are not to blame for being who you are, or for the bad behavior of others. You've done nothing wrong.

Hope you are feeling better, that's been a lot to go through.

 

[Yvy]

Hi I'm sorry that your therapy is such an unsafe place. I really hate how the people of the staff did nothing! Especially in a place where people need help and therapy. Especially because it must have done a lot with you this situation. From what I've read I think it's unprofessional that no one of the staff reacted. I'd want an explanation. You already said that they sent you around and around. I would also search it higher up. Especially with you having this on video. Your therapist should be there for you and care for you in some way. I think it's normal that after an attack like this you get flashbacks. It would make me feel unsafe. And as you write, it's mostly about the people who stand by and do nothing. I'm sorry you got mugged and those awful things are happening to you right now. I don't think there is something you do. I think you're just in the wrong place at the wrong time. The world is not against you, there are just a lot of stupid people. If I would have walked there at that moment that mugger would have grabbed me. I can't imagine they are acting out against you on purpose or in person. I don't think you can take this personally. Sometimes when people who don't know me on the street are mean to me or this little boy spat at me. He was sitting on the bike behind his mom. And I thought he did that on purpose that it was personal, because I look weird or ugly or seem stupid. And that someone else would never have this. But this boy didn't even know me. It says more about this boy then about me. He would have probably spat at someone else too. I mean with the spitting spitting saliva at me.

So the person chose you to act out, maybe he thought you looked really nice and friendly and wanted your attention. Maybe you reminded him of someone. That is NOT your fault. It says something about that person.

The staff that did nothing: that says nothing about YOU it says something about how bad they do their job. Of course they can make mistakes or freeze but it's their job. And if they made a mistake they should apologize and hear you and take YOU serious.

That mugger on the street is a mugger, he'll mug from anyone. Or from more persons. It wasn't against YOU personally.

Please don't put that horrible trauma of your neighbors doing nothing onto the people now. There are a lot of dumb stupid people who'd do nothing for some reason. But there are people who would help you now. There are nice people too. For instance, I would do something. And the people who read your threat and reacted or didn't react would probably do something too.

You deserve good help where you are being taken serious. Please care for yourself, if they don't in a good professional way go somewhere else. YOu can trust your feelings that it doesn't feel good.

And please see that it's not the universe against you. I don't know if you feel that way but it sounds to me like that if I may be so free... I recognize that. When you work so hard and things go wrong or work against you. I feel like I don't deserve it, should always be punished etc. That its ME who it happens to because I don't deserve better. But you do. You deserve a good therapist who takes you serious and helps you. You deserve a safe place and if the place isn't safe because of how someone acts that the staff takes care of that and does make it safe for you! That is nothing more then NORMAL in my eyes. If they don't it says a lot about them and maybe is a really big sign indeed that that place isn't good for you and probably not good for a lot of other people too!!!!!!!!!

Good luck. Will you let us know how this went further?

 

[istudypd]

"I think I am doing something that is putting me in harms way"
That is a very telling statement. I'm reading a book called "what every body is saying" by joe navarro am ex FBI behaviorist. It states that predators pick victims based on body language. People are usually unaware of their body actions especially when stresses. For example when you are standing in public keep your legs spaced out since it makes others subconsciously think you are not submissive. Also change the way you walk. Predators won't attack someone who walks briskly with their arms moving in a large motion. In other words with more confidence.